HRH The Prince of Wales, Prince Charles, walks into the office of Nick Vaughan-Barratt, executive producer of the Royal Variety Performance.

PC:  Ahhh Nick old chap.

Nick:  (Hoovering up a line of ching) Alright fella!  Fancy a line of charlie, Charlie?

PC:  Don't be ridiculous; I'm next in line to the Throne!

Nick:  Well you weren't saying that at the after show party with the chorus line last year!

PC:  Yes yes, quite.  Anyway, the reason for my visit is that I have been working on something different for this year's performance.  Camilla and I want to get a more errrrrrrr 'hands on' approach….

Nick:  (With an expression midway between terror and greed)  Ahhhh yes.  Hmmm okay.  What did you have in mind?

PC:  Well I think I can get the whole family involved: Mum, the senile old fart, the kids, Anne,  etcetera etcetera.

Nick:  Go on…?

PC:  Righty ho.  Well I walk on with Camilla.  I'll have a bit of banter with the crowd and tell a few mother-in-law jokes…

Nick:  (sighs)  Well… do you think that is a...

PC:  Let me finish, man.  Then I'll start to explain to the crowd about the foolishness of GM crops and the need for greener policies….

Nick:  (yawns)  Come now, Charlie…

PC:  Oh do be quiet; I haven't got to the interesting bit yet.  While I regale the audience, Camilla starts lifting her ball gown up to show that she isn't wearing any knickers.  I carry on apparently unaware as she starts to give her mimsy a jolly good rubbing.

Nick:  (chokes)  Oh….

PC:  Then she says "Oh do stop boring the poor crowd with your laughable attempts at being taken seriously, and get down here and eat my minge!"  So I start sucking her twat, and, as I do, Harry and William enter the stage with their girlfriends Kate and Chelsy.  They start doing the business with their young lady friends.  I think we can have Kate and Chelsy all sexy in stockings and suspenders; yes, that's a grand idea!  The boys swap girlfriends after a few minutes and I start giving my wife what for from behind.  Then my sister, the Princess Royal - Anne, comes on stage.  She is with her husband the Rear Admiral, and, true to form, he starts doing her up the rear passage.

Nick:  Good God, Charles.  Have you lost your mind?  (sniffs a giant line)

PC:  I tell you man, this is entertainment gold!  It gets better.  My mum, the Queen comes on with that doddering old fart my father.  He stops to masturbate over Kate and Chelsy, who are starting to get a bit of lesbian action going.  Mum starts to spank the boys and saying she is not amused, but reaches around for a bit of skiing action.  Camilla goes off and brings Anne's Olympic dressage horse on for the penultimate act.  This is where we all form a circle and watch Anne suck her horse hard, and then bend over to get penetrated by the beast!

Nick:  (drinking whiskey and chopping another line) Right okay. Jesus.  That's the penultimate act?  What in hell's name is the finale?

PC:  Aha!  You're going to love this, Nick old boy!  When the horse cums in Anne, the lights dim and a big coffin shaped box is lowered down to the stage.  Spooky music is played and dry ice is released.  The box opens and I go and lift out the corpse of my ex-wife, the late Princess Diana from it.  She has been preserved in freezers for evidence reasons during the recent inquiries, so she is in good shape.  We then form a chain of intercourse around her while we take it in turns to shit on her corpse.  The last person to shit on her is Mum who does her toilet right into the skull and then smears shit and rotten flesh all over herself as she frigs herself to a climax.  Then we all group up, face the audience, and take our bows to a tremendous applause as the curtains come down!

Nick:  (coughs) Riiiiiight.  The name of this 'act' is going to be 'The Aristocrats', I assume?

PC:  Good Heavens!  What are you - a simple country peasant?  Any fool could see this is called 'The Royal Family'.