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Category: Parties and Nightlife
Hello there cuntchops; long time no see; what the fuck is going on? I haven't posted in my blog for donkey's as this thing called 'real life' has cropped up a bit. Seriously – real life could kind of be depressing at the moment (if I hadn't been semi-secretly fulfilling a uniform fetish with a hospital matron from yesteryear); the 'economic downturn' has been putting the kybosh on all the normal avenues of pleasure - like drinking Champagne from ladies shoes and snorting cocaine from filth covered toilet seats. In the spirit of getting a bit of fun back into the equation, I have come up with a short list of budget entertainment ideas for the hedonistically minded.
Pay a visit to the GUI clinic. This is a cheap way of getting a couple of people to play with your sex tackle. Only the other day, I had two people play with my cock and balls; they even stuck something down my Jap's eye – twice! Okay, on the downside was the fact that they were both blokes, and probably gay ones at that, but these are testing times and one must take one's pleasure when one can. For a bonus thrill, complain about pain in the pelvis and you will get a free finger-up-the-arse prostate massage with a reach-around for good measure.
Motorway Roulette. Be a high-roller on a shoestring by crossing a busy road with your eyes shut. Each time you make it alive, you have won a whole lifetime! Even if you get smashed to bits by a speeding car, you still get to spend some time in intensive care hooked up to a morphine drip being waited on hand and foot by lovely big-titted nurses – some people play to lose with odds like that.
Glue Street Festival. For the price of a bottle of Evostik, and a bus ticket into the city centre, you can experience a carnival atmosphere. Inhale those fumes from a sticky plastic bag and hang out where the buskers are – anything could happen! Most likely though you will experience a 'Dr Livingstone I presume' moment in a bush and then vomit on a pigeon.
Watch 'Watership Down' on ketamine. This doesn't need any explanation and costs are minimal.
Go on holiday to a neighbouring town. All you have to do is pack a smelly sleeping bag and some bottles of cheap cider into a shopping trolley. On arrival at your destination, have a cider reception party in your cardboard box followed by a spot of sunbathing on the steps of the local shopping mall. Lure that gaggle of bag women over with the promise of some stale white cider and some 'Kerbside Virginia' tobacco. Later that night, you can get one of them back to the box for a spot of anal holiday romance.
Advertise your flat as a hostel for young female Eastern Eurozone migrant workers. They can pay for their keep in strong duty-free alcohol and fags from their journey in. Get them out farming the back yard in the daytime and pay them in sexual favours in the evening. Film the results on your mobile phone and create your own pay site on the internet – plough the resultant profits into heroin that you can sell to your new whores I mean tenants.
Anyway, that's all I can divulge for the time being. The next in this series will be how to eat a low GI diet purely from scabbing from supermarket skips and an evidence-based research article of the risks and benefits of diazepam as a shoplifting aid.
 | Currently listening:
Vampire Weekend
By Vampire Weekend
Release date: 2008-01-29 |
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7:59 AM
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