I think I force myself to not sleep, because its absolutely, completely, 100 percent silent when my family is asleep.

I control everything that I see, and everything that I hear.
I can control everything that is around me. The lights, the sounds, every last thing is perfectly under my control. I can turn off the lights and just sit in silence, without anyone struggling with me for control. I can turn on my music, and sit back with a glass of lemonade and just think about reality, think about the nature of humanity, the nature of love, of passion, of hatred, of friendship, of science, of mathematics, religion, God, The Devil, your fucking mother, whoever, whatever.

As long as its just me. Sitting here in the dark, with some music rolling over the sheetless specter of my bed, the dull roar of my fan blowing cool air into a stuffy room, alone.

Its the complete and total polar opposite of my sleep pattern, which appears to be, I can sleep when there are other people there. Particularly Madelaine, who manages to make me calm, relaxed, content, and very very happy. But the pattern holds with Bilal, and its held with Wesley, its held with the theatre troupe, it just holds. When I'm given something to hold my attention, or to calm me, I can sleep.

But the minute I'm in total control, and its just me, just my raving lunatic brain chattering on for hours, keeping me up as I go to the kitchen for the 7 thousandth time to get my 7 thousandth drink, I'm not capable of shutting my eyes until I've run out of things to think about.

And I never, ever run out of things to think about.

Its July now.

A month into summer, heh. I think when summer hits, my brain goes into over-drive and I'm just locked in mortal combat with my own psyche when I attempt to sleep. I dont think I've slept a single night in my own house in the last month, if I've slept, I've been elsewhere. Sometimes when I'm elsewhere, I dont sleep, but most of the time, I'm able to.

My room is a waste of a perfectly good bed. Its a really nice bed, I mean, you've all been on it or in it, you know, its a good bed, its comfy. But I just cant seem to lay my head down on the pillow if I'm not in a room with either Madelaine, or an episode of the X-files playing at quarter volume on my tv.

Meh.

I really need to get some sleep, sometime in the near future.

Anyway.

Dallas World Aquarium Today / Tomorrow...

Should prove quite fun. Going with Maddie :]

I'd like to make plans with some of the people I havent seen in a while too, so comment here or send me a message regarding that.

And once again, World of Darkness, comin' soon.

Meh.

Kindof lost my train of thought.

Maybe thats a sign I need to take a nap.