Its officially September and it has been for a few days. For the unenlightened about my life, this officially means that I'm a grown up. High school is completely over, and the last summer of that period of my life has come and passed. Everyone is back in school, High School, University, etc. And ... I'm not.

I wasted my "gifts" (read: abilities) in high school. I feel absolutely horrible looking back at my high school career. I wasted away in laziness and boredom instead of going the extra mile to do the work that was well within my grasp to do well on. I feel like I've really shot myself in the foot when it comes to college. That, was a huge mistake on my part. I just kind of laugh it off and just jovially scoff about the fact that I'm "taking a semester off", but in truth, I messed up, bad, during my junior and senior year by not registering to take a simple test like the SAT and therefore wasn't ABLE to apply to colleges. My grades are decent enough to get into a tolerable school to do undergraduate work, but in truth, I know I should already be in college, and already working towards my goals. Not wasting away reading comic books and watching old cartoons I have on VHS. But its too late at this point to change the wrong I've done. I've just got to focus on getting what I need to get accomplished, accomplished. I do however feel that the awareness that the mistakes I made were just that, is a step forward into maturity, albeit one I really wish I had taken a while back. But, onward and forward. No use in lamenting about the past, right?

Realizing that it doesn't help to think negatively about your current situation doesn't make it any easier to stop it. I'm still hopelessly unemployed, with the one job prospect I had going for me apparently completely dashed away because I failed the god-damned screener test because I "over-thought" it. I have a great social life, but that doesn't really cut the mustard when it comes to a life, does it? I love the people around me, and what I spend my time doing, but I have a void.

I have a void in my life, with nothing to fill my days but malaise and self-loathing at a failed high school career, coupled with my failed art ambitions, and my failed, everything.

Spending all day sleeping and waiting till the high schoolers get out of class so I'll have something to do, has really gotten me in a tremendously bad funk, and I think I've begun to hate myself.

Which is horrible, because I'm fantastic.

Sigh.

I really need to get back out there and hit the ground running on a renewed job search, because otherwise, I'm going to lose my mind before January.

If you have any help to offer in finding a job, it's much appreciated, though I doubt much good will come from blogging about my problems at 4 in the morning.

Cross-posted from my fully fledged blog.