Exactly One Year Ago... this same hour... Jerry Died.  It was a horrible time, so much turmoil in life.  So many thoughts I couldn't express.  Still can't.  So here it is a year later.  Who Jerry is to me is hard to explain.  All I can say is I coudn't mourn his passing with his daughters.  My wife and her family had turned away from me.  My wife had actually turned away a few years earlier...but I always loved her family soooo much.  They had been sort of accepting of me, maybe just tolerated me... like the kind of off balance in law who had married into the family that kind of made them laugh.  I was close to all their kids too.  explain more about this in a moment.  My mother was married to Jerry for 11 years, they had a bitter divorce.  I needed to talk to someone.  I called my sister... she has been the closest person I have had in my life for the past several years.  She lives on the other side of the country.

It was a lonely, lonely time. 

DO you believe in synchronicity?  I was driving home from work.  I had just sent an e-mail to Jerry's daughter.  Jerry left me in charge of his estate instead of his daughters and they hate me.  His house is still there, we can't sell it... the market is so bad.  I was thinking about Jerry... very aware of the anniversary.

When he died, so many vultures swooped in to get what they could with no regard for anything sentimental.  I made his funeral arrangements with a little help from his sister.  To this day his ashes are in my living room.  Nobody spoke at his funeral except his 9 year old grandson.  One of his ex-wives wrote a message that one of his daughters read.  And then there was me.  I remember when Ethan, Sherrie and Beth walked up there and stood together while ethan said his peice, and Beth read the letter.  Then I walked up alone.  I didn't have anything prepared I just spoke from the heart... which was broken.  I was making a fool of myself in front of a crowd of strangers.  My brother and sister-in-law were there.  My wife decided to start a fight with me just hours earlier, and my boys, too little to understand what was happening. 

prior to the funeral, I had gone through hundreds and hundreds of pictures that Jerry kept.  I scanned them for days on end, and put together a little tribute to his life.  I had put two songs behind the pictures which faded in and out.  The first one was the carpenters - we've only just begun.  Mostly pictures of his life before I knew him.  The second was... you'll be in my heart - Phil Collins from the Tarzan Animated movie soundtrack.  Songs took me forever to pick because I wanted to choose songs i knew he liked, but that were appropriate.  When I was driving home from work just now... A Pixies Song came on followed by another Pixies song.  Both from the same album.  Weird I thought.  There are thousands of random songs on my i-pod, and it was on shuffle.  I thoought to myself... I wonder if there is some synchronicity.  As I was About 6 blocks from home... 2 minutes.  The Phil Collins song came on.  All of the feelings from last year flooded back... and, I cried like a baby.  I sat in my car in the driveway and listened to the rest of the song... crying.  I'm not a crier in general... except at funerals.  All of the sadness and lonliness came back.

Losing Jerry was a big part of everything that has gone wrong over the past year.  I remembered this isolated lonely feeling.  as much a product of my marriage and the loss of my wife's family as anything else. So I'm breaking my silence about this.  Some parts I will leave out, for now... but I am sick of keeping it all inside. 

Some people are OK living in a box... being isolated from others, or keeping to themselves or family.  I am not this way.  Maybe because I had missed out on some normal family thimgs growing up.  I married my wife in 2001 after a couple of years of dating.  Some of the things that happened while we were dating should have been a red flag.  She never really wanted to comit to a real relationship... and so much of our relationship was messed up.  I am holding back here out of respect for my kids mother.  I told her family about some of the issues, because I loved her.  They shook their heads and were kind of sympathetic but mostly unwilling to get too personal.  Her father was the one who surprized me the most.  I loved her family.  No question I saw in them this quality that I missed out on in my own life.  This kind of normal-ness.  They are not without their faults, but compared to my life growing up and the crazy things in my family... it was so attractive.  I played with her neices and nephew when they were little.  I was over for holidays... it was great.  The food... always so good.  I loved just chatting with them and just being part of something.  I know I am not a full member.  They were always nice to me.  No question that they meant more to me then they could have imagined.  My Father-in-law was like a father to me.  My own dad was alcoholic and distant, always disapproving.  I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere but with my friends.. who I was always getting into trouble with.  When I decided to move and become my own man... there was definately a lonliness.  There was this void that my in-laws filled.  But my marriage was dying this awful slow death.  I had these crazy ideas that someday  I would marry a soul-mate.  Have someone that I would completely accept, and know everything about. Someone who I would be able to tell anything too.  I have all of this devotion inside of me and nowhere to put it.  It's not the kind of thing that is supposed to be funneled on your kids, or friends, family or even God.  It is the  kind of thing that can only be shared between spouses.  Intimacy, physical and emotional.  Friendship.... you get the idea... without getting all sappy.

When she got pregnant with Jake, I was forbidden to tell anyone about it.  We had to wait.;  After the first trimester still had to wait.  She would get mad if I pressured her to tell someone.  I was bursting at the seams.  I was excited, scared... al of these crazy emotions rolling around.  My wife would glare at me with contempt.  She was visibly disgusted with me.  I wasn't being a man.  I guess I am supposed to be stoic, and not talk about the thoughts in my head.  I couldn't take it anymore I told her, it's time to tell people.  She was showing and everyone already suspected it.  My wife is a terrible actor.  She pretended like nothing was up.  I convinced her it was time to break the news.  She had me go tell her dad and sister without her.  She had no interest in sharing in happiness or excitment with anybody... especially me.

I wrote it off to hormones.  She was like that anyways, but the hormones made it worse.

After Zach was born, I had switched careers.  i had just started working for NAU.  Thats when I started sleeping down stairs.  She was staying at home.  I had just started so I didn't want to... nor did she want me to, take a lot of time off.  Since babies wake up and cry a lot... and usually need to eat and I don't have breasts.  She had me go down stairs so I could sleep through the night and go to work.  Not that I slept too well anyways, I was up checking on them most nights. 

As time goes on... she gets more distant.  The kids are sleeping with her and I am cast downstairs.  I am comfortable in the office.  I decided after over a year that enough was enought and started insisting the kids sleep in their own bed.  She hated this, but didn't want to argue.  She would say whatever she thought I wanted to hear to end the conversation, and then proceed to do whatever she wanted to do... The kids never slept in their own bed, and to this Day they sleep with her, and I sleep downstairs.  There is more to why she doesn't want me up there with her.  I do not want to embarrass her or anyone else.

I started getting more and more insistent that things change.  I had gotten promoted at work, I had more pressure on me than ever before.  I was still DJing on the weekends.  Working 80 hours wasn't unusual in the summers.  We had no communication.  We still don't. 

She has her own take on this I'm sure, and know this... its never a good idea to take one side of the story from anyone.  I am posting this here because I am at a point where almost everything is lost and I don't care anymore.  She is so private and she reads my blogs but acts like she doesn't.  So does at least one of her sisters.  I have tried everything... and let people think the worst about me because I didn't want to air our dirty laundry.

I begged her to go to counseling.  I knew it was a bad idea, but even went to her family.  I told them what was going on... how I was feeling increasingly lonley.  I have lived in my little 10X12 office alone. Her dad suggested we divorce.  This surprized me... I wondered how he could think that. I was against divorce... totally against it.  Religious reasons and because of my boys. I kept it all inside.  My co-workers could tell things were bad in my life, but I didn't tell them about it.  I started to see a counselor by myself.  The counselor told me to divorce.  There are other reasons they suggested I divorce that I am not disclosing... again not trying to emarrass anyone.  I was getting increasingly desperate.  I was lonely and needed to talk to someone.  Not my family because they were already acting critical of her, and i wouldn't stand for it and made it clear they had better not disparage her.  My sister got frustrated with the lack of communication from us (mostly my wife... she is the worst communicator ever)regarding the Holidays one year.  I jumped all over her for it, and we didn't speak for several months.  She was the person I have been closest to.  I had always depended on friends... and began talking onthe phone and online with any friend I could.  One of those friends lead to a relationship of sorts.  She was willing to listen to me, and like things like this always do... I developed feelings for her.  I shared everything with her... connected with her in a very profound way.  She tried to get me to leave my wife... but I couldn't leave my kids.  They are first.  My wife knew I was emotionally cheating with this person, but she didn't care.  When this person started doing crazy things, my wife assumed it had gotten physical.  This bothered her... so I let her believe it.  She finally agreed to go to counseling.  Meanwhile this other person was going crazy.  The whole thing made me crazy... I don't know what or why but I have never felt this intensly about someone.  Maybe because I had held so much in for so long... and she and I shared everything with each other.  I knew her secrets, she knew mine.  Way more than my wife ever cared to even ask.  Still my kids are the most important thing. 

I had tried so hard to get my wife's attention.  I would go upstairs (something I am not supposed to do, because thats her turf) and stand in front of the tv and ask her direct questions.  She would turn her head and pretend not to listen.  She definately didn't care. It was frustrating.  Nothing worked until she thought I was physically involved with someone.  To me the emotional part of what I was definately doing was way worse, than what I wasn't physically doing. 

One night she freaked out... not just because of what she thought I was doing, but also she was drinking.  She called her family crying.  That was it.  They hadn't seen her ever show emotion and so when she called them freaked out and crying they decided I was bad.  My sister-in-law left me a nasty message.  I will post the audio some day

So I have been keeping a lot of info out of this story.. particularly the role her drinking plays in the story.  I won't get into it, but it is part of it.  One time she had taken the kids and threatened I wouldn't see them again. I was afraid she was drinking, because when I came home from church, they were gone, and I went upstairs and found her bottle. I assumed she took them to her dad's house.  He told me he wouldn't tell me were she was.  He is lucky he wasn't in front of me when he said that. I almost went to his house, but was furious that her father, who knows better, knows all about drinking would allow my kids to be put in danger especially not even knowing the full extent of the situation.  I haven't told her family about her drinking, because last time I had, they didn't say anything.  I didn't want to cross that line with them... where I can't tell a man that his daughter has some defect.  Instead he accused me of ME of being on drugs.  I took a deep breath and called the cops instead. 

I realized I had lost them.  Even if they knew the whole story.. even if they knew about the drinking, the absolute refusal to eat a meal with me, celebrate our anniversary... how she told me that if I come back upstairs to sleep, she would go downstairs.  And I could write a book about all of the issues dealt with.  I know when this posts, she will be mortified.  But believe me... there are some other things that would really embarrass her if I wrote them.  I am holding so much back... I'm not interested in hurting her.  Despite all of this... the sad thing for me.. the thing that kills me inside; is her family, who meant more to me than they mean to her will always side with their own.  I am not one of them, when it comes right down to it.  I wouldn't expect them too understand where I am coming from... I understand there are some things they don't see and other things they don't want to see. 

Why write this now?  It hit me how alone I am.  The song that magically came up in my car brought it all back.  I am very close to ending my marriage.  I have written heart felt letters, I have pleaded with her to do something to fix it.  Why is it on her.  Because I have initiated all of the conseling.  She very reluctantly came to a few sessions... but didn't participate.  She didn't give honest answers to the counselors, and when they asked her about it she just shrugged her shoulders.  We went to a two day marriage seminar.  Again she wouldn't participate.  She wouldn't step up when it was time to make the committment to do what it was going to take to fix the marriage.  And she wanted to leave early.  She said she was preoccupied with some lady who was mean to her.  She dropped out of counseling.  I asked her if she wanted to be married anymore.  she just shook her head.  shrugged her shoulders... acted disinterested.  I told her to say yes if she wants to stay married.  She couldn't say yes.  I have tried. She took off her ring and threw it away months ago. 

Meanwhile the other girl is long gone.  I broke it off with her.  She didn't take it well at all.  She tried so hard to ruin my life.  It kills me because I felt so connected to her, she had so many of the qualities I wanted... but I let her go to try and fix the marriage.  I'm sure I will look back and realize how crazy she was and how thankful I am that I didn't go there with her.  Still despite all she did, I miss her.

The only person who supported my idea to try and work it out was the pastor of my church.  Even the guy I volunteered to work with in the church said I should get a divorce.  My wife tried to undermine church involvement by changing her work schedule without discussing it with me. My car was gone for months.  It kills me how much they don't even notice I'm gone.  They wouldn't return my calls when I asked for help.  I haven't been there in months and NOBODY from the church has called to see if I'm alive. This is why I left church as a kid.  Story of my life... I don't fit in..  in the end I have some really great friends... who I thank God for.  But support from the people who should care is non existant.  After everything I have shared with the leaders there, and how I threw myself into my work with them.  Got baptized there... and they know my situation, but I feel totally abandoned by them.  I was on the worship team... working with the worship leader to setup and take down the audio equipment every week, and going to rehearsal.  No-One from the "worship team" so much as called, or e-mailed me EVER after I was gone.  So disappointing. 

I have felt in my life this sense that some people never really liked me deep down.  Maybe my insecurity.  But I have felt this about most of my in-laws... despite how hard I wanted to be accepted by them.  The pastor of the church, I felt didn't like me.  My boss and most of my co-workers. Its this weird feeling that I can't shake that they have to be nice, or try to be nice, but wish I would go away.  Like most people I have tried to do the things to make people like me.

But I gave up on that a few weeks ago.  I don't care anymore.  I'm done caring whether I am liked or not.  Thats why I am writing this down for the world to see.  I don't care what they say, think etc.  I have these strong opinions that I have kept to myself... and don't care about hiding those any longer...so my podcast is out there.  maybe everything is all my fault... maybe i will die alone llike Jerry did one year ago today.  But like when i was a kid and shaved my head for the first time... and said effit.  Like what it felt like the other night after doing the podcast.  It's liberating... and just like it has always been...my friends are there...no-one else is.  And they will understand me and can handle me telling the truth.. and family, work and church just disappoint.  Thats a general statement.. not everybody.  But anyone who reads this knows who they are.  I have a story to tell... a much more intersting story than this censored abbreviated version.  But i am holding a lot back.  There are good reasons... and it is for other peoples sake... or i would tell everything.  maybe tom orrow I will.  Deep sigh.  I feel a little better.