First of all - Communication.  No more making arbitrary major decisions without discussing it with me.  Including:  Choices about what religion our kids will be, refinancing the house, planning and taking vacations by yourself, opening credit card accounts in my name (or yours for that matter).

Get counseling together.  It's obvious we both have issues.  It's obvious we canot make this work without each other.  Otherwise.I HAVE to go it alone.  I am tired of going it alone.  For my Boys sake I will do whats best for them. If you want me to stop blogging about our problems then you have to work on them with me.  Not pretend they don't exist.  I am not trying to do anything other than make progress.  I don't care what anybody thinks about it. 

Two people cannot make progress if they are tied together but moving in different directions. 

I'm only asking for common sense.  Simple basic elementary stuff.  Like, how can you pay a bill if you don't know it exists. 

If my kids get hurt, I want to know about it immediately

If my kids are having a function at school, I WANT TO KNOW!!!!

It's not fair that I go to work to pay our bills so you can stay home with the kids, so you can be involved at their school, so you get to know what they are doing in school... like school plays, field trips etc.  But you don't tell me about any of it ever.  Instead you tell other people, I don't go to these functions because I don't care.

I CARE SO MUCH.

I wonder what reason you gave everyone as to why I wasn't at Thanksgiving this year.  Was it because I wasn't invited?  Or did you tell everyone that I would rather be somewhere else? Just paint a picture where I am the bad guy... and you are an innocent victim. 

I know.. and you know... that if the truth about everything was out, that its possible that even your family might understand better.

I'm not going to embarrass you by exposing it all here.  I am not interested in fighting... I am just tired of being alone.

I am tired of not having a partner.

I am sick of surprizes, like... oh yeah, I didn't pay the bills. Or our dog bit the neighbor's kid, Or there was a guy with a knife walking down the street, or the baby's face is red because he got hurt playing with his cousin and accidentally got too cose to the fire!  Or the kids had a play at shool for parents today... OR I am going to New England for vacation. I already bought tickets, made reservations, what are you going to do about the kids?  OR I refinanced the house... Or I've been taking our kids to mass for the past several weeks while you're out working on Saturday Nights, OR I didn't buy any food for you at the grocery store, I don't know (after 7 years of marriage and 2 years of dating) what you like.  OR  Why are there stitches on the side of your head (oh its nothing)?

I need to count on you... and I need you to talk to me.  I need you to talk to me about what we need to do because I can't do EVERYTHING.

I trusted you to be there for me.  I trusted you to take care of the things we agreed you would do.

Instead, my life is a wreck because I trusted you!

I am so angry and hurt by you.

You don't listen, you don't respect... You don't love me. I have had to face the hardest things in my life alone. 

You didn't stand by me.  You haven't supported me.  You won't have any meaningful conversation with me.

You don't want to celebrate our anniversary.

I could go on and on.

The more I write and think... the more frustrated I get.

If you don't start talking to me... if you don't meet me half way.  If you won't go to counseling. I will have to file for divorce. Is that what you want?!?!?

I can't have you leaving our kids at wierd places without telling me.  I can't be coming home and not knowing where you have been with my boys.  You have to clear it with me first. I AM THEIR FATHER.  I HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY WHO THEY ARE WITH AND WHERE THEY GO AND WHAT THEY DO.
You have family up here.  And as much as you don't appreciate them, they are sticking by your side.  I am having to deal with this alone.  You like to keep as much to yourself as possible.  I don't.

It is so ironic.  I don't think it would matter to you if you spent thanksgivin g alone, or inside of the home of a loved one, who died the year before.  Maybe you would be fine without your family around.

I am soooo lucky to have had friends take me in this year.  Great people.  Still I am sick, with sadness, heartbroken, miserably depressed in the lowest of places because the people I have cared about over the past year are either far away, dead or have turned their back on me.  Then there are my boys, who have no idea how much I miss them...

This is killing me.  Beyond words to be without them.  I am at the bottom.  I am clinging to my friends for dear life right now.  I am searching for the faith.  What can I say... this is hard.

Seriously if you knew what this felt like... you wouldn't wish it on anyone.  A couple of the most devastating things I can't even talk about for other people's sake. 

I wish I had someone to talk to :-(

I need a patient soul to let me open up and let it all gush out.  The truth about everything. I have held too many secrets that have eaten me up inside.  I have done this for other people. 

But all of this stuff surrounding Jerry's death, and all of the stuff I am dealing with... I have to do alone... downstairs, in my own 10 by 12 room. Instead of in bed with my arms around my soulmate in the dark, where it's all OK.

Sometimes

I

HATE

LIFE.

Is there a reason for this to be happening? 

This void in my life has been there so long.

Am I supposed to stay married... tough it out.  Wait for things to change someday.

Will anyone even want to spend their life with me if I do get divorced?
Will I even want to dare to get involved with someone else again.

I'll be honest.  This is my darkest hour.  And I am waiting for the light.

It has always come before

Its been one hell of a long night.