Spades Tour Oct 13-28, 2006

Beasts In The East

October 13

Sneaky Dee's, Toronto

Deportees, …And Hell Followed, Spades, Maximum RNR

What a way to introduce a band from the other side of the world to Canada: five guys freaking out that no-one's gonna show up to our little party. You could feel the tension as The Spades started to wonder if their thousands of dollars in airfare was a fucking waste when London's Deportees kicked off a strong show to a handful of people. However, as the wonderfully late Toronto rock 'n' roll crowd proved, they do end up showing wonderful support. The venue, once cold with anticipation wound up running hot with alcohol-fueled bodies. People were slow to pick up on The Spades' advanced brand of laid-back rock but eventually understood. They got into it. As Keith Maurik noted, this was Maximum RNR's best/strongest Toronto show ever, with people in front of the stage screaming and rockin' away. People were chanting, "Louie, play 'Mother!' 'Keith, play 'Mother,'" but thankfully we weren't so drunk as to know that we probably all forget it. Like an idiot, I got revved up and kicked Childs' cymbal so hard it bent the wrong way around. Somehow, a few of made it back to Maurik's house just short of sobriety to cap the night.

October 14

Playhouse, Montreal

How do you spell ominous? Try two eerie bands in a garage rock vein opening for balls-out rock 'n' roll. The turnout was strange because the show was moved from Club Lambi to Playhouse and there were Circle Jerks/Pennywise, Bloodshot Bill and Suicide Girls all going on that night. Still, we had approximately 75 to 100 people out. The club is an old strip joint which was enticing…too bad they pulled the brass pole out from the stage though. The crowd was pretty subdued while we played but still seemed to enjoy it. There's always an atmosphere of people being afraid to fully cut loose when the place is like, almost half-full. Someone might see! Many thanks to Hot Carl and Degeneration Overdrive Magazine though. They busted ass to make a great night out of a lot of hassle and venue changes. It made co-opting his home, getting wasted and eating all of his food so much more fun. Kudos must go to Sydney and Maurik for keeping him up all night drinking to the point where he could barely form a cognitive sentence on the way to CJLO the next day…

October 15

Maverick's, Ottawa

…Which was amusing when Maurik realized that CJLO meant performing in his drunken stupor; a document for all of eternity as we were recording a live show. As expected though, once the adrenaline of strapping on his weather-beaten SG kicked in, the fucker was fine. Much better than those of us who actually managed to let head hit pillow it seemed. The Spades recorded four songs and Denvis, The Spades' singer, did an interview which ended with me mooning him through the control window and him describing my asshole over the air. I wound up doing our interview while the guys loaded up…suckers. Maybe interviews aren't so bad after all. We were all tired but drove to Ottawa for the gig and met up with The Spades who had been visiting with Denvis' family. Assholes were all stuffed on a zillion-course meal while we were fighting over table scraps! Naturally, The Spades tore it up and the crowd loved it. We politely decline an encore and were then invited back to the home of our amazing friends Bobby and Kitsch to crash. The neighbours must have loved our impromptu 2am grindcore jam session the basement. Go figure that everyone was loaded once again. Even I'm starting to develop a taste for this lovely brew called "beer." I wound up sleeping in one of the kids' rooms and was about to become a carnivore again as the poor rabbit at the foot of the bed kept trying to gnaw its way out of the cage. I felt for it but man, was that fucker asking for it.

October 16

L'Arlequin, Quebec

Rolled out and took Louie's buddy Eric back to Montreal. He had some amusing stories about photos of him being shaved at some fetish night in a photo album which he took to his mother's house to store. Surprise, surprise…she found them.

Got to the club and hung out drinking and watching the rock videos while we waited for the whopping half-dozen people to show up. People warned us about Quebec City on a Monday night but it was either that or not play at all. There was debate about not bothering going on but with some people paying to see our sorry asses, we wanted to do it. If no one at all had bothered, we might have blown it out. Good thing we did go on though. Spirits were really low before but once we all started rockin' out, everyone had a blast. We played and The Spades were all up front goading us on. We goofed around and just did it for the reason we're all supposed to do this anyway: to have fuckin' fun. Sometimes you can forget that the people there are more important than the ones that aren't.

Besides, The Spades had some bona fide fans there that were eating it up and singing along. That felt great. Sydney was wasted, running back and forth across the dance floor, Louis was break dancing and I wound up having a big wrestling match with Sydney and some dude. Beer was everywhere. We fucked with The Spades while they played too. I wound up pulling Louis' cock out and waving it at them, then Louis took off Frank's (The Spades' bassist) shoe and put it on the cymbals. Putting on our "big boy pants" resulted in a good show.

After the show, we were loading up and Sydney was so wasted, he started pissing on the van. Denvis grabbed Sydney's bag and threw it under the stream of piss…Sydney was so drunk, he didn't even notice; just kept pissing all over his own clothes.  We laughed – heartily.

October 17, 2006

Day Off, Quebec City

Fuck, I can't sleep much. My brain is on overdrive and…I don't know. I'm kinda getting nuts. Not like Louie nuts though. He goes weird if he doesn't get his sleep and alone time. Denvis woke us up by storming into the room naked and rubbing himself all over us. Lovely. Walked around Quebec City to actually see one of the towns we play other than the block around the venue before scoping out Maurik and Sydney at some dive bar where we all coagulated. How funny that it was like, THE town's gay bar. Still, we took over the joint for four hours talking, yelling and drinking. The Spades taught me how to play Toep, their beloved card game. They get so out of hand with that game, it's nuts. They beat the shit out of each other and yell their heads off.

October 18, 2006

Bugaboo Creek, Fredericton

Denvis is right: if the person who invites you to the party leaves without saying anything, don't go to their house. After swearing he was having a party, some clown gives us directions to his place. When the 10 of us show up, he's fast asleep. Being the kind sorts we are, we left.

Oh yeah…the show. Ah, it was fun. People like the rock!</SPAN>

October 19, 2006

Elwood's, St. John

Denvis stormed into the room again. This time, he tried to get Sydney to go swimming by yelling, "Get in the water, Marine!" After Sydney wouldn't go, he threatened to pour Louie's Szechwan seafood on me. "You need an excuse to swim? You need to be dirty?" Then he picked me up and carried me like a baby across the hotel courtyard. Naturally, at this point, it's such a commotion that every other person in the hotel is standing on their balcony wondering why this massive, tattooed dude is hauling my ass around the place in nothing but Speedos. He did let me get undressed before jumping in though. A hot tub and swimming, then we split for some running around town before St. John. The bar was cool and we found out that Bionic and The Alley Dukes were playing with us. That was a lot of fun.

Our set was cut to seven songs 'cause bands went on late but we had a good time. I grabbed Louie around the head with my thighs and he ended up nailing me in the bag. Fuck, I almost puked all over his greasy head. Everyone then stormed some hotel for festivities.

October 20, 2006

The Attic, Halifax 

Met up with Iron Giant and Bionic for the show…it was a late one. Alex from Jagermeister wound up getting me right shit-faced before the show. Naturally it had it be a pretty cool turnout and I could barely stand. But I wasn't alone. Frank was blasted and almost got kicked out of the club; he ran up on stage and tackled Louie, taking me out in the process. Some guy from the club ran up to try and stop the "fight" while Louie and Frank were wrestling onstage. Then Frank was standing at the bar getting wrapped up in a Jager banner by two girls who got kicked out. Keith mentioned the visual power of us walking into a clean club to load in and when we came back the next day to load out, the place was trashed. After the show, I went to the van to have something to eat and duly passed out cold. I woke up like, two hours later not knowing where I was or how long I'd been there. Went to the club and no one was there so I stopped in at the hotel where everyone was off the hook. You could hear the din a block away. Roel, The Spades' 21 year old guitarist, was shocked to see "real rock 'n' roll partying" with booze AND drugs in hotel rooms.   Hell, aren't these guys from Holland?!?

October 21, 2006

Manhattan, Moncton

Ah, how much fun it is when you get into town just in time to set up and play? It makes for great spirits! Still, we made it. After the show, we went back to PJ's to party. Everyone was up until about 9:30am. We're totally on the rock 'n' roll schedule now: breakfast at 4:30pm…and Jonathan Cummins was STILL asleep!

October 22, 2006

Day Off

This was supposed to be our Rivieres du Loup show, but the guy had to cancel with some hokey reason about the bar forgetting they had a private party. He was kind enough to offer up his place to stay but we decided to go see Iron Giant and Bionic in Fredericton instead. That was a lot of fun. PJ and Chris from Iron Giant were having a punching fight while playing. Crashed at the hotel and the next morning Denvis was running around the courtyard naked with a towel as his cape while Peter (The Spades' drummer) filmed it. I imagine the owners of this hotel cursing the architect as I watch Denvis' flaccid penis wave at the other patrons.

October 23, 2006

Bar Le Trash St-Hyacinthe

Bar Le Trash rules. The bar and staff are amazing. The place was decorated with coffins, cobwebs, bugs and crazy artwork. The town is beautiful too. Playing, Louie finally got Frank back. During The Spades' first song, he walked up on stage looking like he was gonna say something to Frank, then spit a mouthful of beer on his face. Frank, Childs and I went up after our set to do some Misfits covers after the show which was fun. We massacred "Where Eagles Dare," "Astro Zombies" and "Bullet." Kids were singing along and jumping around just screaming their faces off into the mic…which was all I did too!

Afterwards, we decided on another prank: steal Denvis' camera and Frank's bass, take it into the washroom and get Louie to rub it all over his balls and asshole. Then sneak it back into the case. Apparently Denvis loved it. The wonderful Hot Carl put us up again but this time we were all too beat to take over the place.

October 24, 2006

Day Off

Was supposed to be a basement show in Fonthill, but the kid called and said his parents don't want a ton of people in their house. We think they all just freaked out. So we're heading back to Toronto to relax. Fine with me, 'cause I'd like a shower, change of clothes and sleep.

Not to mention that Keith Maurik probably wants to get his other—I mean, ONLY—pair of shoes! Poor sap went to sleep in the van (note to other bands: we always take the precautionary measure of having one dude sleep in the van with the gear to avoid getting our livelihood ripped off…TAKE THE LESSON) and being he kind soul he is, put his shoes and socks underneath the van.

See, his foot odour is the human equivalent of Agent Orange: a fire that doesn't burn. We all have our physiological eccentricities if you will and we'll save you the details but in this case, it's instrumental to the story.

Anyway, Maurik puts his shoes and socks under the van to let them air out. Waking up the next morning, he can't find them…someone has ripped 'em off! We're talking Converse hi-tops that probably have more holes than fabric and socks that have seen about three or four nights of hot, sweaty shows. Who the fuck would want 'em? Other than a toxicologist, your guess is as good as ours. However, they're nowhere to be found and it's now a trip to China Town so he can snag a cheap pair of shoes to get back to Toronto. Man, there's nothing as sad and hilarious as seeing that scraggly motherfucker wander the streets of downtown Montreal barefoot in search of a new sole. The homeless would take pity.

October 25, 2006

Oshawa, Dungeon

Show? What show? Welcome to the fun nights you never fucking hear about. Bands are always too willing to tell you how "amazing" every show is. Guess what? They're full of shit. EVERY BAND has a bad night. Welcome to the Maximum RNR version:

Already pressed for time, we find out that Bionic were supposed to play with us tonight but aren't because they've run into some technical troubles. We head over to where they're staying and convince them to drive the hour to Oshawa anyway. After some jibing, they agree. We arrive and find out that we're two hours late, the first two bands have played and they're shutting down the show…no one has paid to get in. After some persuasive words from The Spades, the soundman agrees to stay, but only for them. So, we hump our gear into the venue, watch The Spades rip out an amazing set (for us and the other bands) and hump our gear back into the van. Great. Maximum RNR: Rock N Roadies. Then the promoter—who incidentally isn't allowed within 50 feet of the club because of a restraining order—goes to pay us but we have to go through this cloak and dagger business of sneaking around buildings and through dark alleyways to get to him. Rock 'n' fuckin' roll!

October 26, 2006

Peterborough, Trasheteria

What could potentially be a dangerous night turns out to be quite fun. It would seem as though the promoter has had a bit of a tiff with the venue the previous night which resulted in his bruised ribcage, welts and scratches. They don't get along so well. He confides in us that he's not gonna bother stopping in to see how things go and maybe the show has been cancelled. Undaunted, we trek over and things run perfectly: the venue is gracious and the contingent of Peterborough crusty punks are ravenous to the point where they beat the shit out of each other and eat Denvis' snotty facial tissues – really!

October 27, 2006

Hamilton, Underground

I don't remember a fucking thing about this night. I was passed out in the van…again.

October 28, 2006

Kitchener, Circus Room

Ah, the eventual final show. After two weeks of battering and bruising the East Coast, everything culminates in this one last bash with buddies The Saigon Hookers. In keeping with tradition, we hatch the devious plot to paste The Spades' touring vehicle in a variety of condiments, courtesy of the lovely Heather Ostrander. While they bash away onstage, Heather, Louie and I douse their car in ketchup and whipped cream, then wait until the perfect moment in their set to deliver a pie to the face of Frank and Peter. They retaliate by jumping us while we wrap up our own chaotic show.