(The following is a sketch I wrote for Project Turkey Day for the Empty Space Theatre. Black Friday was the capper for a series of Thanksgiving-related sketches. Very few people saw the play, but I understand that my sketch was very warmly received.
(The stage is blank, the only setting suggested by a long line of customers dressed in winter clothes, all in anticipation of the hot new computer game 'Durango 2-10.' It is the day after Thanksgiving, very early in the morning suggested by dim light. Among some colorfully dressed nerds to suggest the fantasy characters in the game, we see friends DEREK and MONTY, two not too-young guys shivering in the cold.)
DEREK
Man! The second I was done with Thanksgiving dinner yesterday I was waiting out here in line! No time to say hello, goodbye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for a very important date -- the new Durango 2-10 game!
MONTY
Right on! The Internet buzz on the features on this baby have been huge! Seven different levels! All the returning characters, all with different features!
DEREK
And don't forget that state-of-the-art joystick! It's going to blow every other comparable game right out of the ballpark!
MONTY
Yeah! My mom wasn't too happy about me cutting out of dinner just a little too early, but hey! That's her loss!
DEREK
Yeah! Who wants another Thanksgiving dinner with the same old dysfunctional bunch of characters?
MONTY
Yeah! I couldn't stand one more minute of my uncle going off on his tired old conspiracy theories! Please spare me! Or my cousin Kyle, giving us a blow-by-blow account of all of his medical problems over the past year! Bleah!
DEREK
Bleah is right! I got pretty sick and tired of my sister going off about how talented her snot-nosed children are! 'Oh, my little Brian knows all of his multiplication tables and he's still in the first grade!' Big deal!
MONTY
Yeah … (Noticing a young man in front of them, ERNEST, who appears to be the only one in line without a jacket, gloves or scarf on and seems to be dressed for a casual dinner date.) So! How long have you been waiting in line for the Durango 2-10?
ERNEST
Oh, I'm not in line for the video game or whatever … I'm hear to see Tami Hall, the reporter for the local cable affiliate! She's going to be interviewing the people in line this morning, and I have to see her! I'm her number one fan! I'm going to present her with this portrait that I drew of her when it's my turn in line to speak! (ERNEST reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a piece of paper wadded into a ball, and smoothes it out. It is a black felt pen drawing of a round face, two eyes and a mouth with a pre-Kindergartner's version of girl's hair, long lines with a bow on top of the head. MONTY and DEREK can scarcely contain their horror.) Pretty good, isn't it? I spent a lot of time researching her face … I taped it off the news, got all the different angles and stuff. I especially like it when at the end of her newscast she looks out to me, directly, and says 'I love you,' but she says it so quickly and so under her breath no one else notices. It's like when Carol Burnett would tug her ear at the end of all of her shows to say hello to her grandma, right? Well, that's not all, I've written a novel about our love affair soon-to-be, and (ERNEST pulls out another balled-up wad of paper out of his pocket, smoothes it out and begins to read) right here's an excerpt: 'Oh, Tami, your body looks so beautiful in the moonlight, naked in the swimming pool … your eyes are so deep and wide, and there's a question I've been dying to ask you --- what do you think of those Dodgers?'
(DEREK and MONTY break into a hurried dialogue in order to evade ERNEST while keeping their place in line.)
DEREK
-- but like I say, there's going to be a state-of-the-art joystick that's going to blow all other comparable games right out of the water!
MONTY
Yeah, yeah, yeah! With graphics to sear off your eyeballs! Yeah!
(An OLDER GENTLEMAN approaches DEREK and MONTY.)
OLDER GENTLEMAN
Excuse me, but are you young men waiting in line for the Durango 2-10 Video game? I just got here, and I see that both of you have a better place in line, and well … getting the Durango 2-10 would mean an awful lot to my boy.
DEREK
Well, I'm sure they have enough. This store is very good about meeting customer demand.
MONTY
Yeah, just give it a couple of days and you can get it way below list price on eBay!
OLDER GENTLEMAN
Well, yes, but it would mean an awful lot to my boy if he could get it today. Things haven't been going that well for my little Bobby … (Sentimental music begins to play) He's been having health issues for some time now. The doctors try to help him along as best they can, but it's been really hard lately. It's a tough job being a father and a mother to Bobby, and with all these recent disappointments, the strain has been really great. It would mean the world if he could have a little enjoyment at this point. His life is little more than one doctor appointment right after the other, and I don't remember the last time that I saw him smile … (A cell phone rings in his coat pocket.) Oh, excuse me -- (He answers it.) Hello? Oh, it's you Bobby! (Suddenly very irritable.) NO, I haven't got the game yet! I'm waiting in line shivering my ass off just so you can get this lousy thing that you'll grow tired of in less than a week! NO! I won't stop by the fast food joint so you can have a Happy Muffin Meal! We buy lots of food for you and there's plenty of it in the fridge, go make yourself a sandwich! Bobby! You shut the fuck up! I'm waiting in line so you can have this stupid-ass game that costs way too much so you can break it immediately afterwards! Bobby? Bobby? I don't care! You go in your pants for all I care! Just don't trip over the I-V! (He hangs up, reverts back to kindly tone.) Like I said, having the Durango 2-10 game would mean an awful lot for my little Bobby, and -- (He discovers that both MONTY and DEREK have forcefully turned their backs to him. Eventually, the OLDER GENTLEMAN gives up on the notion of crowding in line and leaves. DEREK cranes his neck a bit.)
DEREK
They've opened the doors, and they're letting people in! Good!
MONTY
Well, you know how it works. The people in the store let all their friends get a crack at buying the game first, and they make everybody wait in line in anticipation. It's all part of the hype and merchandising.
DEREK
My, my, aren't we being cynical at the beginning of the Christmas season?
MONTY
Well, I should know. I used to work at this store. It's all a big sham. They let the people in, let the first few grab the games and then say they're all sold out so they can get even bigger bucks. Part of the game, part of the game …
(A woman dressed as a Viking picks her way through line. She looks crestfallen and lost. She walks up to DEREK and MONTY.)
VIKING WOMAN
Excuse me, but I've been asking everyone in line, and I just need to make sure for my own peace of mind.
ERNEST
Sure, what is it?
VIKING WOMAN
Is this the line to the latest 'Lords of the Ring' sequel?
DEREK
No, it isn't, it's for the new Durango 2-10 game, and --
(VIKING WOMAN bursts into tears and runs away. There is a pause. SLY GUY, a man who has been biding his time waiting in line behind ERNEST and DEREK introduces himself.)
SLY GUY
Now, you two guys look like you've seen it all before and waited in countless lines just like this one. May I offer you a few tips on getting what you want, when you want it, all at a very reasonable price?
DEREK
Sure! Go ahead!
SLY GUY
(He pulls a cheap windup toy out of his coat pocket.) I present to you -- a toy. Not just any toy. A toy that I bought at a 98-cent store, ran by immigrants from Pakistan. The toy is made in a sweatshop in a country not that far removed from Pakistan, using only the cheapest plastic and tin. Its net value? Not EVEN 98 cents! But the secret, they say, all lies in presentation. Now, observe and watch the master. (SLY GUY winds up the toy and feigns intense joy over it. A SPOILED BRAT with a brand new Durango 2-10 in gaudy packaging walks by and sees SLY GUY's enjoyment over the cheap little toy.)
SPOILED BRAT
Hey Mister, what do you have there?
SLY GUY
It's just a toy -- from a faraway land -- that only I, and a few others, know how to obtain! It's a wonderful little toy! See how neat-o keen it is?
SPOILED BRAT
Yeah!
SLY GUY
Why, if you push a secret button it flies across the room and spells your name out in rocket smoke! But the thing is, you have to really, really look for the secret button, and it takes weeks, months and sometimes years to find it! Better yet, it becomes your friend! You talk to it, and when it earns your trust, it talks back! (He holds it up to his ear.) Yes! It is very cold and dark this morning, isn't it, Frederick? It's just the best little toy in the whole wide world!
SPOILED BRAT
Cool! Where did you get it?
SLY GUY
Only a few people know where to buy them, and very few people know where to look for them! And whoever owns it, the toy becomes theirs forever and ever!
SPOILED BRAT
Great! How can I get one?
SLY GUY
Tell you what -- why don't you trade me that Durango 2-10 and you can have this for your very own?
SPOILED BRAT
Sure! (They exchange toys, and the SPOILED BRAT skips away happily with the cheap windup. SLY GUY waits until the kid is out of sight.)
SLY GUY
There you go! Good luck to you two gentlemen! (He leaves.)
DEREK
You know Monty, I was thinking … you know how Halloween gets a bad rap about being a satanic holiday? You know, I think Christmas is the REAL satanic holiday!
MONTY
What makes you say that? All those Christmas trees and stuff, Kris Kringle, Santa Claus -- all that stuff is strictly pagan, but I wouldn't call Christmas 'satanic.'
DEREK
Why is it that everybody commits suicide around Christmas? It's because all their expectations have been smashed to bits! Either you won't get what you want for Christmas, or you'll get what you want for Christmas and you'll stay exactly the same, and you'll be horribly disappointed.
MONTY
True, true. Christmas is all about gimme, gimme, gimme …
DEREK
And the stuff you see on TV? With snow and icicles all around? What happens if you're a kid who lives in the Nevada desert? What then?
MONTY
Better yet, what happens if you're Jewish? Or you're a Hindu or a Muslim? Christmas is an exclusive holiday!
DEREK
The way I see it, Thanksgiving is way underrated.
MONTY
Hear, hear. You don't have a family on Christmas? Disaster! You don't have a family on Thanksgiving? You're just thankful you have friends!
DEREK
Yeah, if you don't have any friends on Christmas, you want to slash your wrists. If you don't have any friends on Thanksgiving, you're just thankful that you still have your health!
MONTY
Right on! If you can't have a turkey on Thanksgiving, you're just grateful you have a bologna sandwich! On Thanksgiving, you should be just grateful, chill out, and be thankful for all the things you have!
DEREK
It's not like Christmas, when your head is full of things that could be and should be … with Thanksgiving, it's just a matter of chilling out and being thankful for what is!
MONTY
Hear, hear!
(There's a groan through the crowd. MONTY cranes his neck.)
MONTY
Oh, no! They've already run out of games!
DEREK
Oh, who cares? There'll be another end-all and be-all game this same time next year. (The crowd begins to disperse.) I think I'm going back to see my ma, maybe spend some quality time with her.
MONTY
Yeah, I'll think I'll go back and catch up with my uncle. He's been under the weather lately … and, oh -- Have a Merry Christmas! Anyway.
(Everyone on stage goes their separate ways.)
THE END