My first love is cinema, and to honor Valentine’s Day, I ventured to the Burbank Marriott Convention Center for the semi-annual autograph show. I had previously collected signed photos at various horror conventions and whatnot, but this world-famous event gave me the ample opportunity to see a wide variety of faded celebrities – within and without any genre – hawking the remnants of their fame. I went with a limited amount of money and with two goals in mind, securing the autographs of Malcolm McDowell and Paul “Pee Wee Herman” Reubens. There were to be far bigger stars that day such as Debbie Reynolds, Carrie Fisher, Tony Curtis and Joan Collins (more on her later), but Reubens’ and McDowell’s signatures would be the only one that I would pay money for. ....
Arriving at the Marriott, I was surprised to find a very long line snaking around the main hall. Seeing as movie stars are a very commonplace occurrence in Burbank, it was interesting to see so many local people interested in shelling out recession-era dollars for autographs and memorabilia. When times are tough, escapism appears to be a hot commodity. ....
Seeing as McDowell is still high in demand as an actor, it was reasonable to expect that he would have the longest line. He certainly had the one with the longest wait. While chiefly known for his role as Alex in Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange (1971), McDowell has had a very long and distinguished acting career in movies and television, and as s luck would have it, I would have to be behind the fellow who had EVERY film poster that McDowell ever starred in. Prices at this show were $30 to sign a personal item, $25 for a signed photo. I just so happened to be behind a rich fan with massive poster collection. ....
After a thirty-minute plus wait, I presented McDowell with a most unusual Clockwork Orange souvenir. At the time of Clockwork’s release, there had been a flurry of cheap, fly-by-night record companies that packaged the classical music used in the film. These records have long since been consigned to budget racks in thrift stores. The album I proffered McDowell that day had by far the ugliest cover sleeve of all: a butter knife plunged into an orange with a puddle of blood painted underneath. McDowell agreed that the sleeve was indeed hideous. “I have never seen this album cover before in my life, and with luck, I will never see it again!” he announced before signing the jacket “Viddy well! Malcolm McDowell”....
With McDowell’s signature, I sought out the signature of Pee Wee Herman. My nieces are big Pee Wee fans, and I brought along two DVD slipcases for him to autograph. Reubens was there in full makeup and costume, but seemed rather nonplussed by the whole affair. The wait for his autograph was a relatively short one. Approaching his table, I said, “Hi Pee Wee, I have two nieces –“....
He cut me off unexpectedly. “I have two nieces, too! We’re exactly the same!”....
I was unsure of his cost of autographs – would he charge me for two autographs, or one? He was gracious to autograph the slip-cases for the price of a single signature, and my mission for the day had been accomplished. ....
One celebrity that warranted special attention was Joan Collins. She was in her own room off from the main ballroom, with the shades drawn to keep away the light. Only seven people were admitted at a time. “Ms. Collins can’t abide crowds,” I was told at the door. Fawning fans begged signatures to old Dynasty kitsch, and there was a selection of black and white photos available. Disappointed that there were no pictures of her in her horror movies roles like Tales from the Crypt, Empire of the Ants or I Don’t Want to Be Born!, I passed on getting an autograph but was thrilled to be in the presence of such an icon. Wearing massive shades to perhaps cover wrinkles, Collins nonetheless “put on a big show” with ample décolletage …....
There were many, many other celebrities and quasi-celebrities at the event. The B-move field was represented by Arch Hall Jr. (The Sadist) and Richard Kiel (Eegah!), both who seemed too busy for autographs by the time I wound my way to their table. Also on hand was porno star Seka, a salty survivor who has since came out of seclusion to host her new porn-on-demand Web site. When I told her that Inside Seka was my very first porn film, she declared, “Bless ya, hon! Go to my Web site and spend lots of money! I promise I won’t get mad if you look at any other bodies other than my own.”....
So many other personalities were there … child actors Robby Rist, Pamela Ferdyn, character actor Yaphet Kotto, rock drummer Carmen Appice … but my money had run low. Chatting with some old acquaintances at some of the memorabilia tables, I beat a hasty retreat back to Bakersfield to return to my life of quiet desperation. ....