Usually I always have a mood. It's either happy or sad, or somewhere in-between. And sometimes it changes in a blink of an eye because I have the god given gift of being bi-polar. But lately I cannot decide what my mood is. Or even if I have one at all. I am blank, neither sad, happy, or any of the subcategories. I am but a blank slate, a brand new whiteboard at the beginning of the school year that slowly gets old and marked by teachers and students and stained with the constant burden of being written on with bad pen and not cleaned on a regular basis.
I haven't been able to find any music to suit my mood because I have none. So one asks themselves, "should I not listen to music at all then?" I have considered this, but then I feel I would become even more empty because I do not have constant lyrics pouring into my mind or the wail of guitars and drums like machine guns filling the void of space in my room and in my head.
I am losing a sense of who I am because of this constant feeling of absolute nothingness. Yes, I am still Paige who still likes My Chemical Romance and rainbows and dragons and warm coats, but really, everything I have built up until this point has lost meaning. Not lost importance, but I just need to be reminded of who I am. I need someone to show me how I first came to love these things. I want to talk to someone who has known me for a long time. I need a sense of familiarity because I cannot remember how or why I first came to like these things to begin with. It's like a childhood memory, I don't remember how or when I got it, I just remember getting it.
Please, please, please someone just take the time and talk to me. Fill me with new ideas and old ones. Old memories and reassure me we'll make new ones. I need to know who Paige Lindsey Carlton really is again.