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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"



Last Updated: 11/25/2009

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Status: Single
City: CAPE CORAL
State: FL
Country: US
Signup Date: 10/11/2007
Monday, March 23, 2009 

Category: Life

I can't begin to tell you how many times a day this conversation happens:

(Phone rings)

Me, answering: "Company XYZ, this is Joe."

Caller: "Hello, Keith?"

Me: "No, this is Joe."

Caller: "Is Keith there?"

I understand that Keith is the owner of the financial advising business I have a contract with, so most people that call are calling for him.  But apparently nobody listens to what anyone says when they answer the phone.  I want to start testing this theory out, but I'm not sure which greeting I can get by the callers.  I'm thinking about:

1. "I bent over your mother last night, how can I help you?"
2. "ASphincterSaysIsKeithThere?"
3. "Phone Sex Hotline, what fetish can I transfer you to?"
4. "PapaJohns, would you like to try our new Supreme with my 'Special Sauce'?"
5. "911, what's your emergency?"
6. "PLEASE GOD DON'T BEAT ME AGAIN!"
7. "Hello and welcome to MovieFone.  Please touchtone the movie you would like to see."
8. "This is the IRS Automated Hotline.  Thank you for your request to be audited.  We will be in touch in a week."

I don't think it matters what I say.  It will always be answered with a crotchety old voice saying, "Is Keith there?"  Regardless, that is what I came up with.  If you have any ideas what I should say the next time I answer the phone, leave it in the comment section.



P.S. Obviously, I had to change the name of the company I'm working with.  Even on a shitty miniblog like this, I have to be careful.  So I don't work with "Company XYZ".  The real name is "Company ABC".




4:47 PM
 
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NightRains...

 
ha! Kramer is a riot !!!

:-)


 
Posted by NightRains... on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 4:56 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
I'm impressed you remembered.
:-)
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:47 AM
[Reply to this] 
Laura A. Lasley
Laura Lasley

 
Mad Dogs mortuary and ice cream parlor mad dog speaking.


Always a personal favorite.

 
Posted by Laura A. Lasley on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 4:59 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
I'll have to try that.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:47 AM
[Reply to this] 
Lady Anita von RockStar

 
"wondering if your "Special Sauce" would make me fat..........*



Candy Kisses!





 
Posted by Lady Anita von RockStar on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 6:43 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
My Special Sauce cures cancer. You'd have to see my stand-up to know what I'm talking about.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:48 AM
[Reply to this] 
Claire Hearts Keith Olbermann

 
I make it a point to catch the name of the person answering the phone and USE it. Bastardos.

 
Posted by Claire Hearts Keith Olbermann on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 7:20 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
You are one of the rare ones.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:49 AM
[Reply to this] 
Beth
Beth B.

 
I think you could totally get away with #1 and no one would catch it.

 
Posted by Beth on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 7:39 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
I'll try it tomorrow. You might not want to call.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:50 AM
[Reply to this] 
Unbecca Happypants

 
you'd be surprised. we used to actually play this phone game in the office. of course whenever the caller said "WHAT??" we'd make up something else... but it kept the day from getting boring.






try it! at least once!






 
Posted by Unbecca Happypants on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 9:45 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
What was the point of the game? How did you win?
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:50 AM
[Reply to this] 
Eve

 
"Thank you for calling Wal-Mart. We are now accepting applications for greeters over the age of 87...please press '1' to speak with Keith.
"
 
Posted by Eve on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 10:43 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
Excellent! The way Keith's clients have been losing their asses in the stock market, they may actually need those jobs.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:51 AM
[Reply to this] 
Lisa
Lisa Squillace

 
I think #2 would be funny the classics never go out of style ;-] you gotta try it and let us know how it goes lol
 
Posted by Lisa on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 11:24 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
I am impressed you know what movie I'm talking about.
:-)
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:51 AM
[Reply to this] 
sheryle

 
when i did telemarketing (dont judge, i made good money LOL) some of the girls would sneak "i'm a ninja" into their script, or make animal noises.



i was too chicken shit to do that, but it was hilarious to listen to the customer on the other end.
(we recorded them, "for quality purposes" LOL)
 
Posted by sheryle on Tuesday, March 24, 2009 - 2:36 AM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
Haha! That is funny. Also, screw you for interrupting my dinner.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:52 AM
[Reply to this] 
Transitioning
Yep Yep

 
How about answering the phone "Keith here", and then just going with it. Then a nice goodbye.

 
Posted by Transitioning on Tuesday, March 24, 2009 - 4:08 AM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
No way...then they'll actually ask me shit. God knows I don't want to be counted on for anything.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:53 AM
[Reply to this] 
Black Widow

 
Mistress Mindy's House of Pain.... How can we hurt you today?
 
Posted by Black Widow on Tuesday, March 24, 2009 - 11:04 AM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
That's pretty close to being included up there.
Or is that how you answer your own phone? ;-)
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:53 AM
[Reply to this] 
*Joe*

 
"Detective Simmons, Dade County SUV.
How exactly did you know Keith and where are you calling from?"
 
Posted by *Joe* on Tuesday, March 24, 2009 - 12:49 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
haha! Did you ever hear that clip from Bob and Tom?
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:54 AM
[Reply to this] 
*Joe*

 
No. Not sure who they are but it's an old routine. The Jerkyboys did it too and it was pretty freaking hilarious.

 
Posted by *Joe* on Thursday, March 26, 2009 - 12:03 AM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
Listen to THIS.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, March 26, 2009 - 1:42 PM
[Reply to this] 
Tralfaz

 
Did you ever think about the fact that maybe, just maybe, the caller is someone who has a thing for you? And who, in their mind, has decided that your name is Keith? So they just keep calling over and over again waiting for the day you will finally acknowledge their secret love? I mean, geez... how often do I have to dial that... er... never mind.

 
Posted by Tralfaz on Tuesday, March 24, 2009 - 2:28 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
HAHA! Okay, I know it isn't you because there's no way you're that old and crotchety.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:55 AM
[Reply to this] 
Stephanie

 
'Thank you for calling Keith's answering service, how may I help you?'
 
Posted by Stephanie on Tuesday, March 24, 2009 - 5:15 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
No way. Uh-uh. Then they might expect some SERVICE from me. I actually work a different business in the same office, so I don't need to be doing any more work than I already have.
:-)
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:56 AM
[Reply to this] 
BANGIN BRUNETTE

 
I like number 3.
The End!
 
Posted by BANGIN BRUNETTE on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 12:09 AM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
Any special requests?
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 3:56 AM
[Reply to this] 
C.C.

 
Why not just play along & say you're Keith? Could be tons of fun... think of how you could mess with these people.
FAB!
 
Posted by C.C. on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 - 5:14 AM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
I may do that next time.
Sure, Keith may lose a $20,000 commission, but what price humor?
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, March 26, 2009 - 1:43 PM
[Reply to this] 
Darlene

 
How about Phone sex hotline this is Keith speaking? Than go on with It will be $3.99 a minute to speak with me.




 
Posted by Darlene on Thursday, March 26, 2009 - 11:00 AM
[Reply to this] 
Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
Do you know how to process credit cards?
 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, March 26, 2009 - 1:43 PM
[Reply to this] 
Darlene

 
Most definately. My husband thinks you should answer the phone... Hello this is Joe would you like to suck my sack. He had a cashier once when he ran a food store that would answer the phone hello this is Ray and our food is low end crap. And not one person from corporate ever noticed.

 
Posted by Darlene on Thursday, March 26, 2009 - 1:59 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sheila Delaney
Sheila Delaney

 
Really?


Surely you already have the answers and you're just writing a blog for enterainment.



But I'll bite.



The answer you might give for 'Is keith there'


'Keith is out of the office but I'm in it, naked and ready to service you'


Anyone who doesn't listen to this deserves to be ignored.

 
Posted by Sheila Delaney on Monday, March 30, 2009 - 6:44 AM
[Reply to this]