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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"



Last Updated: 11/25/2009

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Status: Single
City: CAPE CORAL
State: FL
Country: US
Signup Date: 10/11/2007
Thursday, June 04, 2009 

Category: Sports

Last night, I took a hard look at the entirety of my life, and discovered that something was missing.  I’ve worked hard so that my friends, family and fans could enjoy how much I suck at blogging, suck at relationships, suck in careers, and suck at comedy.  But a nagging thought just kept coming to my mind, just as sure as it must come to all of yours:
 
Surely, there must be something new that Slow Joe can suck at.*
 
Alas, your wish has come true.  Last night, for the first time, I posted an article on a sports news blog.  It’s website for Tampa Bay Buccaneer fans called BucStats.com, and it is actually one of the few blogs I read absolutely every day.  Not only is it informative, but the main writer is outright hilarious.
 
And, lest you be worried, I wrote my piece over there with the same humor, silliness, and imagination that I would over here.  So, I guess you could say I now suck as a sportswriter.  Check it out when you get a chance.
 
 
*Anyone who tells me I shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition gets a punch in the clavicle.

THE CAPTAIN - OFFICIAL MYSPACE
Eliza Lovett

 
I don't know whether I'm supposed to say, "YAY! CONGRATS!" or "Awwww Poor Baby!"

???

 
Posted by THE CAPTAIN - OFFICIAL MYSPACE on Wednesday, June 03, 2009 - 11:14 PM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
You should congratulate me!  I am the best at sucking.  I sooo do not suck at sucking.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Wednesday, June 03, 2009 - 11:15 PM
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THE CAPTAIN - OFFICIAL MYSPACE
Eliza Lovett

 
Now I'm all turned on. 
 
Posted by THE CAPTAIN - OFFICIAL MYSPACE on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 12:45 AM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
I still got game.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:37 PM
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Virtual Flower

 
:)
 
Posted by Virtual Flower on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 12:03 AM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
;-)

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:37 PM
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Lisa
Lisa Squillace

 
We love ya no matter what you suck at or on for that matter.  Not a big sports fan but if you wrote it I'll have to read it!!
 
Posted by Lisa on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 1:18 AM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
It wasn't a whole lot of sports jargon.  It was mainly me being kind of a dick. :-)

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:38 PM
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Laura A. Lasley
Laura Lasley

 
*Anyone who tells me I shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition gets a punch in the clavicle. ((absolutely had me about to spit my coffee all over my computer screen)) I plan on useing that exact line in the future. Thank you for the laugh so early in the morning.

 
Posted by Laura A. Lasley on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:54 AM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
You're quite welcome.  I love making physical threats that people thank me for. :-)

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:38 PM
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HEIDE

 
Jason Bartlett is a male whore who sucks anything and everything he can touch. TB can have him. Joe Mauer has only become better since we shipped Bartlett's bad ass ego down there. Good luck with the sportswriting gig, though. It sounds interesting and fun.........
GO TWINS!
:-)

 
Posted by HEIDE on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 11:16 AM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
I am completely disregarding this post.  Don't make me have to write an article on that blog about YOU. :-)

GO RAYS!

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:42 PM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
What if I write about football but I'm hung like the one under the jockey?

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:43 PM
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Claire Hearts Keith Olbermann

 
Anyway, "surely there must be something new at which Slow Joe can suck" just sounds wrong.
;) Will check it out.
 
Posted by Claire Hearts Keith Olbermann on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 1:03 PM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
Well, sounding "wrong" just about keeps in line with the rest of my writing. ;-)

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:44 PM
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Joshua: Just Some Guy of the Eighty-Four Glyde!

 
Are you going for the title of Suckiest Suck who ever Sucked? Because I know a lot of people who would beat you out for that title. Best stick to being funny and making people laugh. You're not as bad at it as ex girlfriends might have told you!

 
Posted by Joshua: Just Some Guy of the Eighty-Four Glyde! on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 2:00 PM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
Actually, attempting to get any of my ex-GFs to have sex with me generated some of the biggest laughs I've ever got.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:44 PM
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*Joe*

 
Congratulations. Maybe this will be an opportunity to suck before a larger audience.

May you suck out loud for all to witness!

I have a ton of bad sports metaphors if you find yourself running low.

Wait.

You're a Tampa Bay fan you say?

Never mind.

 
Posted by *Joe* on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 3:19 PM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
As a Tampa Bay fan, I have witnessed a LOT of sucking in the last twenty years.  So I have had some great examples set for me.

And yes, I am striving to extend my Sphere of Suckdom.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 7:46 PM
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Chopped Liver

 
Wow!!  You're SUCKTASTIC!!!! ;)

 
Posted by Chopped Liver on Thursday, June 04, 2009 - 11:58 PM
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Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe"

 
I'm amazing in my suckitude.

 
Posted by Joseph Simmons aka "Slow Joe" on Friday, June 05, 2009 - 2:13 PM
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weezie

 
Loved it, Joe.  You are the sucker!
 
Posted by weezie on Saturday, June 06, 2009 - 9:13 PM
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BANGIN BRUNETTE

 
oh.  i thought it was gonna be a link to redtube or something. 

 
Posted by BANGIN BRUNETTE on Monday, June 08, 2009 - 12:14 AM
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Pamela

 
vampires suck too

 
Posted by Pamela on Monday, June 08, 2009 - 7:29 PM
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ChildoJesus

 
Great blog. I feel so sorry for that player. I hope he gets well soon. I'm not really a big sports fan. I like tennis, downhill skiing and track.

Btw, your smile of the day: People who live in Nerf houses shouldn't throw sponge bricks.

 
Posted by ChildoJesus on Saturday, September 12, 2009 - 4:08 PM
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