so...i am fine with some "friends" not being the best to you at times...i think most friends are really just close acquaintances but that is a matter of sematics and is a discussion i am really not willing to to discuss now...but when a real friend..someone you trust, admire, care for and plainly just love decideds to treat you so shitty that you are forced to reevaluate that friendship is a very hard thing to deal with...now i know i open up too much, i talk too much and the most of all i trust too much... and it gets me into problems most the time...namely when you have misidentified certain people as being "friends" when they were not...i hate how my heart hurts like that..and most of the time situations liek that only tend to affect me when it happens from someone very close to me (often a girlfriend) decided to be a different person or treat me in a horrible way...but it happened to day and while one of the people i genuinely believe to be a close friend did in fact act in that regard, i was able to sit down and talk through it, even thoguh it hurt...the screwed up part is that there were others in this situation that i genuinely was distraught over the way they were treating me...now i can understand a lot.. andi am fine with taken much of the agency through empathy,...but the fact that i obviously had a mcuh higgher reagrd for them than they ever did for me is saddening and depressing to me... why cant people sometimes see confrontation as positive, even if the tone of the confrontation or discourse is heated...i am not talkign purely devils advocate stuff here either... I am just constantly being hurt by my apparent lack of being able to see into some people...maybe i am just lonely and wanting some comradry, or some kind of feelign of acceptance.... how weak huh? why do i hurt myself so much...why cant i just shut my mouth and nod??? why cant i just accept that i am not as great of a person as I would like to be...i have trouble seeing it myself anyway...i guess i shoudlnt be so surprised that others dont as well.. i guess i am just denying it... oh well...

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