So I haven't been here in a while. Most of the friends I keep up with on here... I keep up with far more often in real life. So it seems silly. But that aside... posting a blog here seems strangely comfortable to me considering that I cower at the notion of allowing others to see what I write or how I think.

2008 has been a fascinating year. In Jan and Feb, I was really sick. In March and April, I dealt with heartache and my own stupidity. In May came my first experience with unemployment. Now June is almost over and I'm learning that this is not the year that God is killing me slowly for His own entertainment... but it is the year that I am being forced to overcome... to see what I am capable of surviving... to truly learn God's character and to TRUST Him like never before.

I'm enjoying being out of work and having everyday to do with as I please... we'll see how I do once this month's bills all clear my account. I quit smoking (again) and this time I don't really miss it. I'm going to the gym everyday and eating really healthy. I'm working on a handful of projects for friends. I'm spending time with my family. I seem to be busier now than I was when I was working full time.

God got my attention in all this... and it surprised me. I thought that I was getting angrier - and at first I really was - about my circumstances. But then I realized that all I ever do is consider my circumstances... I dwell on them and analyze and over analyze them... I complain about them... I try to change them... and I fall back into the center of them to complain about them even more.  And somewhere in the middle of that revelation, I let it all go. I can't describe how or explain why... I just did. And I was the most surprised of all.

I'm no longer working on changing me or my circumstances. The only thing I am working on is looking up.

I've prayed to be thin... but I realize now that being thin was the focus. I've prayed to be a better Christian... the focus still on me. I've prayed for different circumstances - specifically and honestly... but the focus was always on the circumstances. Now I'm just trying to pray... to talk to God... to focus on HIM and not ME and my never-satisfying circumstances.

It's becoming a really interesting walk. I'd consider it a crawl at this point, but the reality is that I am just trying to stand still and focus appropriately. When my focus is right I know I will see things more clearly and maybe even see myself again (if I ever really saw me to begin with). Then I can walk again.