I wrote this a year ago I think it still applies




On Thursday I had the great opportunity to live out my Katie Couric
Fantasies (Well not the one where she is wearing a grass skirt and asking me
for an up close and personal)

On Thursday amidst the hurricane of misinformation I thought that I had the
rare opportunity of getting some great journalism under my belt. Well sort
of.

The scene was set in a few hours my humble abode was going to be under water
(gotta love South Tampa) all of the lawyers and plastic surgeons were in a
frenzy and thought it best to stock up on the essentials. I thought this
would be great for the Nixon Interview.

My bay area media colleagues had most of the bay covered. Unfortunately my
idea of covering people stocking up for Armageddon. Was.. well thought of by
every media person worth his salt, and I couldn't get a word in edgewise at
the various grocery stores besides, I don't have any credentials and would
look as silly as Bob Hite in a Speedo. So naturally I put a Nixon twist, on
the Nixon interview. Instead of talking to people at various local grocery
stores, I decided to hold my interviews out side of my local liquor store
(besides I was out of scotch)

Feeling like a younger, tanner, and more handsome version of Mike Wallace.
I arrive at A.B.C liquors with a pad, pen and wearing my Jerry Nixon smirk.
I was prepared to ask some hard hitting questions. I felt like a seasoned
journalist. (I finished off some crown royal before I arrived.)



I met Jennifer a well heeled working mom who after being allowed to leave
work early to prepare for hurricane Charlie and evacuate her home, decided
to get a couple of things in order at the liquor store


Jerry- Hi would you mind if I ask you a few questions

Jennifer- not at all

Jerry -I see your stocking up on the essentials

Jennifer- yeah

Jerry -did you buy any food

Jennifer- I knew I forgot something

Jerry- how long have you lived here in the tropics

Jennifer- huh?

Jerry- well Florida is a tropical environment and granted I am no
environmental specialist but well a hurricane in the tropics is nothing new

Jennifer- I have been here for five years

Jerry - do you think the storm will hit us?

Jennifer- well it will but it won't be as bad as they say

Jerry- wow you're a meteorologist

Jennifer- no I work at Price water house

Jerry- what is your favorite hurricane drink of choice?

Jennifer well Corona, I mean whiskey, I mean tea

Jerry- in the event your Price Water house weather information is incorrect,
and the storm does hit and you are without electricity. You know no
internet no X box and (God forbid) no Oxygen network how would you pass the
time

Jennifer- why do you think I'm here at the liquor store (no don't write that
I am going to get some reading done)
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After being studied by several workers outside the liquor store I managed to
have a couple of words with a beautiful twenty-something with a very big bag
named Alicia

Jerry- wow where is the hurricane party

Alicia- not a party I am just stocking up just in case

Jerry who lives with you Ted Kennedy (I'm kidding)

Alicia- Hey!!!!

Jerry so how long have you lived here in hurricane central

Alicia- I have lived here all my life 25 years

Jerry (25 wow I don't believe you, you got any I.D)

Alicia- thanx I think

Jerry so do you think the hurricane is gonna hit

Alicia- yes but it won't be as bad as they say?

Jerry Wow you're a regular Al Roker granted he is a meteorologist and he
even has the Super Dopler what do you base your prediction on a twitch in
your left knee (I'm kidding I haven't seen those gams twitch once)

Alicia- what kind of reporter are you

Jerry- One who didn't pay attention in my journalism class

Jerry -Well miss not a hurricane party what is your hurricane drink of
choice

Alicia Wine

Jerry- So I see you are getting prepared for the hurricane did you buy any
food


Alicia-food why didn't I think of that

Jerry So Alicia how are you gonna pass the time during the hurricane

Alicia I am going to read

Jerry who's your favorite author

Alicia Huh

Jerry- Author you know the person who writes the books? Oh never mind enjoy
that Green Eggs and Ham that book is a classic


Unfortunately I was asked to leave the A.B.C liquors parking lot I am sure
Stone Phillips would not have to put up with this kind of harassment This is
an outrage. I happened upon a bewildered blonde in my travels Mike Baldwin
told me in a drunken stooper he was an artist.


Jerry How long have you lived in Florida?

Mike- all my life and I have the scars to prove it

Jerry I believe you for God sake keep your shirt on. So where are you off
to?

Mike I am going to the liquor store I got to stock up.

Jerry Shouldn't you be going to the grocery store you know food water Duct
tape

Mike what do I need food for if I have liquor? Seven bottles of Gin and a
bottle of tequila fuels the mike-ster

Jerry- so where is the hurricane party?

Mike- there is no party buy your own bitch

Jerry- so in the event that there is no electricity no television to watch
your porn what are you going to do

Mike Drink!!!! Hey I got to go Gin doesn't drink it-self

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I needed to calm my nerves after being threatened on what may be the last
day before Tampa becomes the sister city of Alexander Egypt ( look it up
Taylor) I arrive at The hub and met a big Bald John nursing a practically
transparent glass of whiskey and coke

Jerry - you seem in great spirits for being so close to Armageddon if you
will

John-Ha! I am not worried about it, if it happens I have enough food and
well… I won't have electricity, but the Amish don't have electricity and
they seem to be doing just fine. What I am really worried about are my two
dogs

Jerry-what will you do if we loose power?

John- well I have some books and if all goes well here tonight I will have
hook up with a lucky lady who will keep me entertained she can read to me in
bed.

Jerry Do you have a Favorite Hurricane drink

John whatever is within reach I am not High Maintenance. See you I am gonna
talk to that Blonde in the corner


Jerry