So now things are progressing in weird ways. My emotions are just rocking from one feeling to another. I feel relief, loss, pride, self disgust, love, anger, and peace. But what is ripping on me right now is the moments the loss feeling comes up. It is overwhelming. I burst in to tears this morning while she was getting ready for work. I mean the only thing I can try to compare this to was marriage destruction number 1. I had a lot of waves of emotion then. But I guess I was more immature, or perhaps cocky or something odd that let me not burn so deeply. Well that whole thing was an unintentional conquest for me. To leave for someone else. My pain was more for the ways I was wronging Lynda than for just a sense of loss. The loss was there. And I did have one night where I got hit with bad. I mean it remember it like it was yesterday though it is more than 10 years now. I got smacked with guilt and loss and pain. I went outside, it was a few days before Christmas. In Illinois. Tons of snow. I sat in my car. And bawled. And I was so drained I actually slept out there for a few hours.

This is just a sense of loss. As sense of being wronged. As sense of doing wrong. I have been overwhelmed by karmic lessons throughout this relationship. Feeling I wrong my first wife. Feeling fake to my current wife. Feeling unable to connect. Feeling punished. I feel my pancreatitis was a result of being such an emo freak. And having such guilt and karma hit me that I made myself terribly sick. I have had escapism as a major issue for these 10 years. Like, oh man, I am guilty, I am wrong, I am convincing myself that I have done the right thing and not believing it. It ached at me. I drank pretty hard when we first got together. Ceased shortly. Started back up. Ceased. Then the disease hit and the pain was so great. The opiate pain medicines were like the doctors saying its ok fella take your escape pill. And that spiraled me down into a darkness which is where I have been since.

But the loss. That hit today bad. But I guess its needed to feel. It is amazing how much physical pain I can tolerate and how this hurts far worse than being hacked into two. Worse than massive attacks of pancreatitis. I guess I put the loss off until it ate at me.

Yeah so right now I dealing with my portion of causing this to fail. My part of making wrong choices out of a sense of conquest. Lying to myself. Karma.