It's been almost two weeks now since PSG. It hasn't been easy readjusting to life on the outside. I remember being told by a friend there that the you that comes back from it isn't the same person who arrives there and I know now how true that really is. I don't know how obvious it is to others, but it is to me. I feel different.
The hardest part is accepting this new sense of vulnerability. I feel exposed and it's not really all that unpleasant but it is unnerving. Sometimes I really feel like I'm complaining but I guess it's just sharing my feelings. I find myself telling people things I wouldn't ordinarily say. It doesn't feel bad, just different.
I worry about appearing weak, becoming weak. I value my inner strength so much, it's very hard to let go of. There are new dear friends in my life and their good opinion is very precious to me. I worry about my weakness in front of them. In regard to my new friends, I have never felt so close to new people so quickly. For a long time now I have maintained my distance from most people. I haven't had new real friends in a long time. After being alone for so long it's aways been too hard to let new people in. Loneliness isn't fun but it is consistent.
**********
Today is the Fourth of July. I don't have any particularly patriotic feelings about that, but I do have a few memories to share.
Most of my memories are about fireworks. When I was little they scared the hell out of me. I'm still not real fond of the noise, but at least I have gotten over the fear of them falling on me. Mostly, I remember watching them with my dad, who loved the loud ones and the golden dandelion shaped ones that have always been my favorite.
Probably my favorite memory is with Teran. We got bored that Fourth and decided to drive nearly an hour to Wells, an extremely small town, for dinner. We laughed and talked and sang in the car, just generally had a good time. Then we drove back to town and lay in the grass at the city park. We were surrounded by people and families and we kept singing a faintly dirty Bowling for Soup song all evening.
**********
I don't really mind working graveyards. I've always been a night person and strangely my insomnia isn't so bad when I sleep during the day. Obviously, I was just made for a different time zone. Besides, What do I really have to do during the day?
Already, I've earned the nickname "Vampire" at work. I think that's so funny because I've been called that so many times. Chock it all up to pale skin, dark hair, dark clothes, an aversion to sunlight and a tendency to bite.
**********
I think about going back to school all the time. Maybe I could finish my music degree and teach music. Maybe social service and work in child protection. Maybe theology...
See, that's the problem. I can't seem to settle to any one thing for very long. I change my mind so much. Jack of all trades, master of none.
Then, of course, I remember how much I hated school. I have such a hard time paying attention. I get frustrated when I don't understand the material. I get frustrated when other students can't keep up. And when I get frustrated, I get angry. It's like a default setting.
I always did well in school. I'm not stupid by any means. My only blind spot is math. Damned numbers. Give me anything with words and I'm fine, but numbers just refuse to work in my head. That's kind of funny when you consider what I do for a living now.