How to perform a proper kilt check
- as instructed by the reigning kilt inspector (ME!!)
By popular request (and lack of a better blog subject this morning!), I have decided to answer ALL your questions about exactly what is is a "kilt inspector" does. Our Las Vegas Renaissance Faire is only two weeks away, and that means lots of chances to practice our 'skills'.
First and foremost, EVERYone wants to know what it is exactly those boys wear under their kilts. Well, if they're true to their scottish or irish heritage, the correct response is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That's right. And that's what we're checking. (what can I say, it's a good way to meet new and 'interesting' people!) When you find one of these correctly-attired lads, we first strike up a conversation by asking them, "Are you regimental?" or "Are you breezy?" Please for the love of gawd do not just walk up and stick your hand under these guys plaids!! Incorrect social etiquette and it shows a serious lack of training and manners! Basically, you would be the white trash of kilt checkers.
Usually, if a lad is, um... attached... to his own wench, this is another reason to ask permission FIRST! Most wenches going anywhere with a lad in plaid already know the temptation for other wenches is too great and will be accepting of this. Still, it's just respectful to get permission first. After asking if they're regimental, most of the guys will respond with, "would you like to find out?" or "Go ahead and check". Now your safe and may conduct either a "PG13" kilt check, or even move on to the "R" rated kilt check if you're not shy and happen to have some of your handy blue ribbons available.
(Ewan McGregor)
Now... the PG13 check. After finding a young, hot scot in a kilt, and once permission is gained, look around to make sure there are no children directly behind you or the kilt in question. We wouldn't want to flash them and scar them for life. Men tend to either be jealous or homophobic of any guy that looks good in a skirt to start with. (and yes, we chicks really do dig it!). Also, during the old war battles between the Scots and the English, raising your kilt and flashing your bum at the enemy was considered a taunt and an insult. Much like the "Bird".
Next step... run one hand under the kilt, generally starting on the side of one leg and gently and lightly move up to the tushy and then move your hand around to the buns. Most guys will flex for you on this... just give them a little "oooh.." or "ah..." or "very nice". Then give them a friendly pat on the bun and remove your hand. Look... you're already playing a wench, may as well stroke the ego while we're at it! You can stare into their eyes and giggle a little if you must, but self-confidence is the key to pulling this off.
You may stop there, flirt a little bit, or smile and sasche' away. Or you may continue to the "R" rated kilt check. I recommend a lot of regular checks first, and a few stiff guinnesses wouldn't hurt.
There is NO peeking, you may want to practice on something at home first so you at least seem like you know what you're doing. You will need blue ribbons for this, not too thick, about 6 to 8 inches long (the ribbon, that is! HA!). I keep them on my tankard at all times, just in case an opportunity presents itself.
OK... pull your scot or irishman out of direct view of everyone else. You'll still get some attention, but you don't want to do this in the middle of the food court or jousting match (we're at renaissance faires remember?) Once you have permission to "TIE ONE ON", and you have already checked for the authenticity of the kilt wearer (the PG 13 version), you are to kneel down in front of the standing male specimen. Come on ladies, we've all been there... at least there's something between you and 'it'. Next step, take your ribbon and reach UNDER the kilt. Do NOT, by ANY means, lift up the kilt, expose the male to the cool breeze, or scare the bejesus out of any little girls in the area. Shrieking is very bad!! Using your imagination and dexterity alone, take the ribbon and tie it around the only available apendage under the kilt. Yes it takes two hands. I have been accused of chewing on my bottom lip in concentration when the appendage is... less than cooperative. The idea is to get the ribbon tied with as little contact of fingers to appendage as possible. It's a teasing thing. And please, please, please... DO NOT PULL THE RIBBON SUPER TIGHT! Ow!!! Just enough to put a bow on it and make it stay.
Once this is done, smooth down the plaid, stand up, and most gentlemenly scots & irishmen will assist you to stand, and then give you a sweet "Thank you" kiss on the cheek. At some point, the lad will remove the ribbon and place it somewhere highly visible on his person. It basically breaks down to a pissing contest... it shows all the other boys how many wenches have considered him worthy of a ribbon, see? Boys will be boys after all!
BTW... after many years of experience, I recommend wet-naps be kept handy ladies. Some of our faires are held in the hot summer months. I will not elaborate.
And there you have it!! A real official kilt-check on two levels! Should you have any questions, ladies, let me know. Should you have any questions, guys... put on a kilt and come see me in Vegas in 2 weeks. Mu wah, ha, ha!!!!!
And on a closing note, if there is ANYONE I would just love to kilt check, it would be my Hollywood Hottie #3 Gerard Butler (Left), who is also up for consideration as future James Bond. Its time we had another scotsman in that role!!
P.S. I looked EVERYWHERE for a media version of the Sierra Mist "Bagpipes" commercial from Super Bowl 2004 (where wallace is doing the Marilyn Monroe in his kilt)... alas, it's one of my favorites and of course I couldn't find it. Bummer.