I dont like it but I understand pure hatred and the burning desire to have something alive dead. Yes. I was filled with that desire and fear was the reason. I HATE roaches. I know its not unusual but its a crazy sensation to have that type of eagerness for death to another to give me a sense of peace. After three screams. the blood curling kind the fat flying roach is dead.

I was on my couch talking with Stephanie and I witnessed the crawl above my bed. MY BED. I knew they have that irratic flight pattern when impending death is recognized but there was no other lie I could possibly give off that might make it follow a pattern of peace. NO. I grabbed my tilex and got two sprays in before it flew off the wall and towards me. ScReAm number one. I shake everything and run away scream number two. My skirt keeps touching me sending shivers that remind me that the roach is still alive. I go back to the war zone and I see it crawl under the fridge.. still close to my bed but I assume its got brains enough to stay there in a dark hole and either survive inorder to escape when Im away or just die.

I move back to the couch finish my phone conversation and regain composure. Sympathy from Stephanie helps. Its under my fridge. I get over it.. its not coming out again. No longer hesitant I return to the bedroom and turn on the tv. flip and on mtv2 there is an actual video. I havent seen any videos in what feels like years.

I make a non roach affiliated plan. some videos some reading and sleep. Then the feeling happens. The one steeped with angry swear words. I make a direct glance over to my world map and grossness is fluttering its wings. I freeze. I cant spray. The roach will fly craZy again plus I dont want tilex on my map. I dont know what to do. My synapses are fireing fight or flight. flight options seem to go nowhere because I sleep here and no one can help me. Im alone. I have no choice so fight kicks in but so does the Roachs flight. Up and over to me again. ScReam number Three. Onto MY BED. Confused it rolls around my pillow and my comfortor. IM FREakIN OuT. IT runs on top of my comforter and onto the ground and beneath my bed. I look but I dont see it. Heart beating. I need shoes - I cant bare the idea of walking.

I wait. trying to find my heart find some sort of caring for all living creatures. I cant. Im pissed that it exists.

I grab my comforter and move it into my living room to shake out. Pillows next. No Roach.

THen I see it. by my oven about to crawl under but I spray and spray and spray until it turns on its back. Im creeped but happy because I know the fight is over. Once its on the back. No wing access to fly. No leg access to run. ITs Death has arrived and Now I can pick up the residue.

But something wont rest. Is it possible that the roach near my oven is not the same uglyness that was near my bed????? I cant find peace. I cant imagine the chance of two stupid roaches not knowing when to come out... but it could happen. Im in front of my computer now.. writing to help me get over this angst. Ive completly shaken anything in my bedroom that can be shaked twice.. no second roach. It must have been the one I killed.

I try to believe they are the Angels of our world (from Purvis Young). I really did. but, yuck. I hate roaches.