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Tuesday, December 18, 2007
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Felicidades!
Here is my round-up of all the media I enjoy during the holidays (not just Christmas, even if it may seem like it -- who can forget the Jewy episode of Rugrats that taught me about the spirit of Chhhannukkkahhhhc?). Yes, yes, a nice little list of all the movies and music I enjoy this time of year.
My list is a highly-involved one. Consider the fact that weeks are also taken up decorating the house and shopping, leaving me with very little time to watch/hear all of these classics. Nevertheless, the crowd has "asked"...
From the Rankin/Bass stop-motion absolute favorites (think 25 Days of Christmas on ABC Family), the kind I am obsessed with:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. A classic tale about discriminating against those who are different. Let's all stab Sandy Claws in unison now.
The Little Drummer Boy. And his groupies. ;)
Frosty the Snowman. Before Lois got to him...
Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town. Featuring the almighty Winter Warlock!
'Twas the Night Before Christmas. My suspicions were correct. They are inbred.
The Year Without A Santa Claus. zomg!!!!1 Do you see that picture of all of those figurines I don't own! *Splooges*
Unfortunately, this whimsical tale of marginally gay flamers also gave rise to an ill-wrought NBC special last year. Condemn at will:
The First Christmas: The Story of the First Christmas Snow. Poses the eternal question: how can he sing when he is blind? Hottest. Nun. Ever.
Frosty's Winter Wonderland. The one where he bags a babe.
Rudolph's Shiny New Year. Starring the emo New Year's baby.
Nestor, The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey. If only I were a cherub...
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July. The Cheech and Chong of Xmas.
"I'm telling you, I'm huge!"
Like the face that taunts 1000 Alfreds.
Biggest cockblocking douche in all of animation.
Pinocchio's Christmas. So whimsically he sings: "Gonna get lucky, knock on wood." Hahahahahahaha.
The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold. Murder ensues.
The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. Santa fighting goblins? Dude!
And now, a list of holiday-themed movies that do not involve the genius of Rankin and/or Bass.
Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. Also about Halloween, incidentally. Emo kids across the land learned that Sora, Donald, and Goofy visited the Pumpkin King a couple of years ago.
Ernest Saves Christmas. And we owe him big.
Scrooged. The ghost of Bill Murray's wit.
The Muppet Christmas Carol. "Has there ever been a bad Muppets movie?" "Nope, but there hasn't been a good one, either." "O hohoho!"
A Muppet Family Christmas. Fozzie throws a bash, Fraggle Rock responds.
A Very, Merry Muppet Christmas. The best part is when Piggy is a destitute phone whore. Whoopie Goldberg as God is not the best part.
The Christmas Toy. The most charming Chri'mas movie you've never seen. Trust me.
 The Simpsons. It seems as if every year brings a new Simpsons Xmas special. Stick with the faves, such as the one where Santa's Little Helper finds a home (the first Simpsons episode to ever air, FYI), or else watch Bart portray the baby version of The Passion of the Christ.
A Christmas Story. An allegory for safe sex, I'm sure.
The Santa Clause. Forget the, ugh, sequels.
Jingle All The Way. The all-time holiday favorite, Conan? In this picture, Ahnold explains how Total Recall is the Jingle All The Way of Martian superthrillers.
 Bad Santa. Because Lauren Graham should always be this hott. (With this title, I also send a shout-out to Home Alone 2. Odd...) And Shrek the Halls was better than Shrek the Turd.
Christmas Every Day. That's not an image from the movie, but Google said it was relevant, and how could Google be wrong?
How The Grinch Stole Christmas. You know, before Jim Carrey and Ron Howard made it pervy.
 Woodland Critters Christmas. Peace, love, and sweet animals raping each other in this timeless classic.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. Cash-in animation? Yes!
 KISS Saves Christmas. The best Santa Claus guitar solo you'll ever see.
Love Actually. Someone I know loves this movie. No, I...doesn't.....
A Charlie Brown Christmas. In my zeal to get this blog up ASAP (since the MySpace sandbox is the most unfriendly blog spot on the Web), I forgot to mention one of my all time faves, A Charlie Brown Christmas. Favorite part besides Linus's evangelism? That dirty kid dancing.
The Star Wars Holiday Special. I've only seen it once, and, yes, it is as godawful as everyone says it is. Conceived in the wake of Star Wars' massive popularity in the late 1970s, the Holiday Special, which brings back all of your favorite actors (including a singing Leia), is the most reviled thing with the Lucasfilm license attached to it. Yes, more so than Howard the Duck and Jar Jar. The plotline? Chewie goes to Kashyyyk to visit his family. Many Bothans died to bring you this information.
This crummy cartoon was the best part. o_O
Now a wee list of movies that MUST be watched during the season. Why? Because they all came out during this time of the year; also, they take up about 98 hours of my life, and Christmas affords the most free time.
The Fellowship of the Ring. To this day, that Burger King collection haunts me. Damn you, Legolas!
The Two Towers. Benicio del Toro! THAT'S who Gollum looks like!
The Return of the King. Followed by Revenge of the Uruk-Hai.
And now, Christmas songs that must get played during the season of Jebus. I'm sorry if I exclude any favorites, Santa Bot.
"And there won't be snow in Africa
this Christmastime."
It took all of Band Aid to figure that out.
Last Christmas. Nothing says "love me on Christmas, woman" more than George Michael.
Christmas Wrapping. More New Wave fun, courtesy of The Waitresses' sass.
(The rest are your typical fare...)
Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer
Santa Baby
All I Want For Christmas Is You
Jingle Bells
Jingle Bell Rock
Frosty the Snowman
12 Days of Christmas
Winter Wonderland
Little Drummer Boy
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Santa Claus is Comin' To Twon
Feliz Navidad
Deck The Halls
Joy To The World
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Let It Snow
Blue Christmas
Here Comes Santa Claus
Silent Night
Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
Something or another by Los Chipmonks
A Kind Of Christmas Card. Not so much Christmas as it is a reason to listen to Morten Harket during the holidays -- it is, after all, about a hooker in L.A..
Thought That It Was You. The only a-ha song that mentions the word "Christmas," so there we are.
Of course, there exists a plethora of Spanish Christmas songs from Latin America that get their fair play, like "Los Peces En El Rio" by Pandora y "Faltan Cinco Pa' Las Doce." I don't know their names, but rest assured that my mom and my entire family will play them ad nauseum. God bless them for that.
Can I talk about my dancing Santa Homer and my collection of Rankin/Bass figurines now? I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Snow...
(By the by, does anyone know where I can get all of the songs in the Rankin/Bass movies? I sure would love it if my iPod played host to the likes of "It's Just What I Always Wanted" from Jack Frost and "Blue Christmas" from The Year Without A Santa Claus, even if Elvis's version rocks.)
Merry non-denominational holiday, Christians! This is my December...
5:42 AM
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