Hello, everybody!
If you remember, I compiled a countdown of the movies I had watched up to summer, from worst to best of 2OO7. Well, since then, I have watched roughly double the amount of movies, so I figured I would reshuffle this personal critique on what's hot/not in Hollywoodland.
This year was mostly comprised of three things: going to the movies, drinking (even if no drunken revelry has occurred in entire weeks), and crushing on a handful of girls. (Who? I'll never tell, teehee.) (Bunch of stupid, sadistic, blah, blah, blah...) Now, I wish to relive one-third of those experiences. (I can't do the other third by myself without feeling totally despondent, and the last third are all cold bitches, so there you is, snatch.)
You feel me, kiddies? Put away those lewd thoughts of underage girls -- it has begun! (Mortal Kombaaaaat!!!)
33. Shrek the ThirdStill at the bottom of my list. As mentioned elsewhere on my http://blog.myspace.com/alfredeus -- bookmark this shoegazer's dreamsite -- the made-for-TV special Shrek The Halls was heckuva lot better at only one-third this the Turd's length.
32. The Invasion
Not even the hottie from Batman Forever and the en vogue license-to-thrill-'er could salvage this rehash from feeling so dirty.
31. The Ex
Arrested Development's Jason Bateman. Scrubs' Zach Braff. Amanda Peet's eyes. Alas, nothing could save this ne'er-do-well "comedy" about cockblocking with a handicap decal. It's so lackluster, so unimpressive that I actually saw this during the summer -- and I totally forgot to include it on my previous list! Talk about not leaving an impression.
30. 1408
Not knot-inducing, no, but not worth remembering, either.
29. The Heartbreak Kid
Ben Stiller's worst comedy? Well, that's like saying mustard is Ben Kingsley's worst enemy. Exactly.
28. Blades of Glory
It isn't as "Hilarious!" as it is inoffensive.
27. Resident Evil: Extinction
A movie where I can watch Milla Jovovich (I shouldn't know that by memory -- or its pronunciation) kick zombie ass is a good movie. Unfortunately, the movie in question is Resident Evil: Extinction, the third and final movie in the made-for-Hollywood Alice story arc. The Resident Evil movies weren't bad -- they just didn't live up to their video game lineage. Fortunately, Jovovich's Alice keeps it real as one of my fave ballsy babes (!), and this moie reeks of shameless fodder for 13-year-old males. And speaking as a someone who spends most of his time ogling 13-year-old females*, this movie pulls off the brainless (pun) fun. Too bad Ali Larter was cast as my Claire Redfield...
*Haha. I would never do anything to incriminate myself. There's a strict 18 and older code of ethics with me. (Allegedly.)
26. Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas 3-D
Tim Burton's animated opus (nuts to you Corpse Bride -- and I piss on your Wonka, too) returned to the silver screen with an encore of 2OO6's 3-D conversion. I love this film, so why does it sit on the sidelines? Well, the experience wasn't great. We were sitting in the second-to-front row, so my neck had an ache or two. Also, a certain Tugboatus Maximus kept crackin' wise throughout the film, annoying me to no end (sorry, Jose :). He made up for it with his imitation of "This is Halloween / This is my penis..." which only became a bother during the ride home, oh, three minutes in. Lastly, those fuken 3-D glasses. I hate them. One cannot don 3-D specs over reg'lar prescription goggles without experiencing discomfort. Damn me and my myopia. Was there a Beautifully Out Of Sorts in attendance?
25. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Keira Knightley, the anorexic, Orlando Bloom, the one-trick pony, and Johnny Depp, the sellout. Three stars, three movies, one giant black woman, and a sinking Black Pearl. Spoiler warning: I'd rather be in 2OO3.
24. Beowulf
When they told me they were doing a feature film of the epic poem I have never read, I was psyched. When they told me the Back To The Future Trilogy's Robert Zemeckis was helming it, I was even more psyched. When they told me he would once again take the route of The Polar Express, I was less psyched. Admittedly, the rotoscoped animation was good. However, something was a little off. No, not Angelina Jolie's pixelated nakedness. Maybe it felt too much like a video game, not enough like a medieval epic about daddy issues.
23. Juno
The story of a girl who gets knocked up by George Michael Bluth. Oscar noms should be given to Juno's parents for making me believe that the parents of a sixteen-year-old girl could really be that nonchalante about teenage pregnancy. My cohorts may have admonished the cheeky dialogue ("wizard"), but I found the character of Juno endearing (and smoochalicious, teehee). The biggest turn-off in this movie was the usually-charming Jennifer Garner, whose desire to be a mother is clouded by her desire to not seem creepy. Sure, I was remiss that Jason Bateman and Michael Cera (star of the year, folks!) did not have an Arrested Development father and son reunion, but Cera's penchant for Tic-Tac-poppin' made up for it. That kid is bringing awkward back.
22. Spider-Man 3
Oomph! Spidey takes a career-ending nosedive! After careful deliberation, I have knocked Sam Raimi's third Spider-Man film to just outside the top 20. It was good, yes, but not Spider-Man 2 good (a film I watched twice in theaters), and given the hype of being the biggest blockbuster of the year, it could not help but disappoint the dedicated fanbase of woeful webslingers. Tobey and Kirsten won't be back (to be replaced by Gyllenhaals -- eww), but let's hope that the pizzazz that brought the arachnid alongside the Man of Steel and the Bat can be refueled. 2OO8 belongs to the Joker. "Why so serious?"
21. Stardust
A fantasy about witches and princesses? Golly, where do I sign up?! Ah, but Stardust isn't your run-of-the-mill tale of bosomy sorceresses and she-should-be-a-tad-better-looking Claire Danes. Nay, this twisted fantasy is rife with fornication, gay overtones (Bobby DeNiro, what would Raging Bull say?), and Ricky Gervais doing something comical, I suppose. Brothers killing brothers, wenches falling in love with Britons -- what's more macho than five strapping young lads going to watch a film named Stardust on a Saturday night?
20. Enchanted
Another fantasy about princesses and witches? I should hand my penis over to someone...(Too easy a sexual joke could be inserted here.) (Yes. "Inserted.") This movie was all about Amy Adams. She made everyone believe she really was a Disney princess culled from the loins of Walt himself. Heck, the Mouse Ears Co. was nice enough to poke fun of itself; I mean, come on, there's something really demeaning about those fairy tale princesses. Of course, my biggest gripe is with Ariel and her band of swimming whores. Oh, so you fall for some guy, huh? So what do you? You leave your entire world behind, forsaking your family and royal birthright, not to mention the awesomeness of being a merperson, all for the sake of being with a man. And an airheaded one, for that matter! God! McDreamy, kill someone, confound you!...Anyway, Enchanted was enchanting, disarming, even. And before anyone attacks me for watching girly movies too often, I'll have you know that I went to the theater with three very lovely ladies. Hm..."went to the theater"...Man, I really need a girlfriend. Anyone know if Amy Adams is single? *Wikis* Son of a bitch -- she ain't!
19. Ratatouille
Pixar, the purveyors of 3-D animation, and the unequivocal king of the genre, continues its quest for rightful world domination with an original about a rodent who makes good French food. Well, duh.
18. The Simpsons Movie
2-D animation thrives in this little quiet tale about a father who screws up his town. The Evergreen Terrace clan, and their extended Springfield family, are all present and accounted for in this extra-long episode. But you know what? The straight-to-DVD Futurama movie, Bender's Big Score, was lightyears ahead of The Simpsons Movie. Nuanced and rich storytelling -- plot twists! bizarre love triangles! Seymour my precious puppy! -- made Bender's Big Score the best animated title from Matt Greoning's superseed this year. However, Futurama does not boast anyone named Harry Plopper.
17. Transformers
A microwave and that kid from Even Stevens team up to eyefuck the shit out of Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Millions at the box office.
16. 300
Transformers on this list instead of vice-versa like my summer countdown because of how unexpected 300 was, and because it really was a visually dense violence pornography. It did for Spartans and Internet cliches what Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth did for PowerPoint.
15. TMNT
"Raphael is cool but rude. Michelangelo is the party dude." Nowhere as fantastic as the 1990 movie, but nothing really is.
14. I Am Legend
The last man on Earth moved in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. I'm always a fan of the Fresh Prince ("Will2K" is probably the greatest song of all time), so it was nice seeing him branch out into the sci-fi genre. Heh. The baddies didn't look real enough to me, however, and I thought that there would be more tense moments like when I Am Legend faces off with the mannequin (creeeeepy), or when I Am Legend goes into the building to retrieve his dog, Sam, who was easily the best character in the movie. Also, the ending didn't sit right with me. He should have whistled for a cab instead. "We're gonna party like it's nineteen -- hold up, it is!"
13. American Gangster
Denzel Washington. Russell Crowe. Ridley Scott. David Hasselhoff. All masters of cinema, all kicking ass one cokehead at a time. I always love Crowe's work (A Beautiful Mind is his brightest star), and Denzel never fails at being Denzel (except when he's around Oprah, maybe). Hey, any movie that inspires Jay-Z to rap about Depeche Mode is OK in my book. However, this film felt longer than it should have. I owe that to the fact that I watched it on the night when Daylight's Savings Time went into effect, so my loopy mind thought it was an extra hour long. Still, its running time is comparative to Zodiac's, yet Zodiac ensnared me wholly with its take on how-to-take-down-the-uncatchable-fiend narrative. Alas, Ridley Scott will forever be known for his unfinished movies. I should watch the Final Cut of Blade Runner, and I'm sure he just wants to retool Legend. It's 2OO8 -- there must be a way to digitally remove Tom Cruise.
12. No Country For Old Men
This film appears in countless Top Ten lists. Critics love this movie, Christopher loves this movie (he is to blame since he begged me to go see it), and I agree, it's great. It stupefies you with its gritty realism, and it blindsides you with its earthy attention to bittersweet malice. And yet, the ending kind of left me aloof, particularly the fate of the protagonist, a man who is running away from gangsters who want their $2 million back. Of course, the direction with his coup de gras was very artsy, but I wanted to relish his swan song when it happened. I guess I'm very George Lucas in that regard -- you know, wanting to see the wampa ice monster in The Empire Strikes Back Special Edition. Anyway, the movie is tops if only for Javier Bardem's role as the insane Anton Chigurh, a hitman whose poetic, murderous eyes fill your heart with rabid desperation. If he doesn't get the trophy for Best Supporting Actor, then I spit on the Academy. Like one critic said, you have to hand it to the man who can be the creepiest entity in a movie featuring Tommy Lee Jones.
11. Eastern Promises
This list features a lot of popcorn movies, but it also boasts a lot of left-field, not-that-mainstream crop of films that have movie previews by the likes of Focus Features, Fox Searchlight, and Paramount Vantage. This is one of those films. If No Country For Old Men is about cowboy gangsters in Texas, then Eastern Promises is about Russian gangsters in London. So Naomi Watts (you know, that Nicole Kidman wannabe whom we -- and by that I mean I -- saw naked and lesbian in Mulholland Drive) happens upon the Russian mafia that resides in the paler streets of London. Right there, the disconnect occurs because, for about half the film, I thought it was set in Eastern Europe. The Lord of the Rings' Viggo Mortensen ("Aragorn son of Arathorn!" I squeal!) is the muscle trying to move up in the ranks, but he may not be who King Kong's main squeeze thinks he is. In fact, I'm not too sure I know who he is by the end of the film. He reteams with the the director of A History Of Violence -- needless to say, this film is much better. He is very deserving of Oscar recognition -- what other Middle-earth legend have you seen brawl naked? And I don't mean ass-naked -- I'm talking about flopping naked. Rest assured, we never want to see Samwise Gamgee do battle in a towel-less sauna.
10. Live Free Or Die Hard
Artistic integrity shmartistic shmintegrity, I wanna see things get blowed! Die Hard faces off with the I'm A Mac hipster and Kevin Smith -- geek chic with cojones!
9. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
The last movie I saw this year (December 29) makes the top ten, yay! So Johnny Depp can not only star as a shemale-faaabulous pirate (ooh, matey), but he can also belt out showtunes. How devilish. The marriage between Depp and The Cure's Robert Smith's alter ego, Tim Burton, continues with this sinfully pale dose of song and murder. Depp's been charged with murder, wrongfully, and he returns to London many years later with revenge on his mind and a song in his heart. The judge who had him taken away, a more ghastly version of Harry Potter's Severus Snape, rapes Sweeney's wife and seeks to wed his daughter. Lovely. Harry Potter's Wormtail is also here as the sniveling henchman, a trademark of his also seen in Enchanted. Last of the Harry Potter gang is Bellatrix Lestrange, or Helena Bonham Carter to you muggles (as well as Burton's wife), who acts as the perfect foil to Depp's madness by being only slightly less mad. She sings, she's bouncy-bosomy, and she has an English accent -- color me smitten. And that soundtrack! "I will have vengeance / I will have hot dogs." Not since Grease 2 came out have I been so gratified by a musical. Oh, yeah, the bucketloads of creative blood also did quite nicely.
8. Hot Fuzz
Ouch, Hot Fuzz took a steep tumble since the last countdown. No, my appreciation for it did not diminish with a home viewing -- however, over time, my adulation for the other movies on the list increased, so Hot Fuzz was taken down a few pegs. Still, its acerbic, irreverent humor is as ludicrously British as ever, so go rent it or something. Timothy Dalton commands you.
7.3:10="" to="" yuma=""> 3:10 To Yuma
Russell Crowe is a darkly-humored Old West outlaw looking for his freedom after being derailed by Christian Bale, a Civil War veteran who's down on his luck and is trying to do right by his eldest boy, a headstrong lad who is ashamed at his father's inaction. You have two big names squaring off in a caustic atmosphere -- what's not to like? It's about the decisions one makes in life -- the right path versus the easy path, the desire to set an example versus the need to survive. Oh, yeah, the gun-slingin' was boss (and that kid from Flash Forward was psychotic). After this one, The Machinist, The Prestige, American Psycho, and a little something called Batman Begins, I think Christian Bale is definitely my favorite actor of the generation.
6. Gone Baby Gone
Ben Affleck - Director. Holy fucking shit. Saying it even tastes funny. But there you go, the failed actor returns behind the scenes with a tense drama starring the not-one-for-nepotism Casey Affleck. And you know what? Baby bro is a helluva better actor than Jennifer Garner's seat cushion. Set in Boston, Casey Affleck is a hired P.I. who searches for a little girl gone missing. Problem is, she comes from a very broken home, so who knows what might be up. With more twists than an inverted colon, Gone Baby Gone is a surprising thriller that will leave you guessing until the credits roll. And the moral dilemma presented by Morgan Freeman! My God!
5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Pop-culture phenom of the year? You bet your sweet Hermione ass. And after weeks of tip-toeing around the issue, I finally purchased the 2-Disc DVD. Now I have to finally rewatch it.
4. Knocked Up
Ah, the more accurate movie about what it's really like to get accidentally pregnant by guys whose names only the likes of me know (Seth Rogen, guh). Funny, sweet, and Judd Apatow -- why haven't I watched Walk Hard?
3. Zodiac
As creepy as it is long. You are Donnie Darko. You will find the Zodiac killer. He will be the trannie brother from The Drew Carey Show. That is all.
2. The Bourne Ultimatum
Ultimatum? Watch this superagent badassery or get punched in the face through a book. Next up, The Bourne Colonoscopy.
1. Superbad
I've watched 33 movies in theaters this year. That's 15 more than the next leading year in my life, 2OO3. That's a lot of scratch, gents. That's, like, two days and a half spent sitting in front of a screen. (I'm almost sure that's correct.) And what did it all lead up to? Superbad, a comedy about high school dorks trying to get laid. I know, I know, how can I possibly relate to anyone who is like that? But come on, it's funny, and it's got a heart. Yes, a menstrual-cycled-pissed-on-the-leg heart, but a heart nonetheless. What's more, I got the DVD for Xmas. How wizard is that? This year, Judd Apatow presented us with funny, Seth Rogen showed us funny, and Michael Cera squirmed funny. It's like feeling happy and sad all at once, and then realizing that those bittersweet tears are a form of happiness. The good sadness. Like having an impossible crush on a girl -- she ignores you, it infuriates you, yet you fall for her all the more after the hurt washes away. Tangential, yes, but that's what makes life so superbad.
Thank you for reading my little review of films of 2OO7. It only took my the entire first night of 2OO8 to write it. What does this year hold for us? Batmen? Indiana Jonses? The return of the greatest rap duo in history? Be fresh, be kooky, my loves. (And dudes in the audience, cockblockiness is next to ungodliness.)
