The One Time I Make My Personal Life Public.




I've learned alot about life lately when I thought there was nothing else to learn.
To be truly honest, I don't remember my life from September 08 to May 09.

"She sorted every person in this world into two categories: A person who is
useful before they're morning coffee, and those who aren't."

I recently moved from Downtown Los Angeles "The Sticky House" back to
Encino (about 10 minutes North of Hollywood). I can never stay anywhere
consistantly. Something always goes wrong or my mental health just gets
too over whelmed to the point where I just snap and have to move to the next place.
I moved to four different places between January and April.

When I moved into the Sticky House in March/April, I felt 'charmed'. Everything was going well.
I had so much cash in my purse at all times, I could buy as much herb, cigarettes,
or "whatever", whenever I wanted. I was with fascinating people and I felt like nothing
could surpass the gift I got blessed with. A gorgeous loft with a building that resembled
an old school hotel from the early 1900's. With 14 floors up and looking over the L.A Skyline,
I kept wondering what I did to deserve such a blessing. Everything in the house was civil for the most part.
Never would I have suspected that the people I was dining with in Time Square, New York
would soon be my roomates in this unbelievable house. I didn't think things would ever change.

I'd walk into the front door and know all the securty guards, get away with alot of
stuff in the building, have the lounge to myself at 3 AM to write music-
and quite frankley I started reflecting on my career. I had FOX11
filming my photoshoot/day/interview over at our loft, and at that point, I just decided
this is where I would rise up.... hopefully.

Here's your answer: I was living in a dream world. For every pill was like a dream
or vacation where something always came out right.
 I'd pop a pill, do the shoot. Pop a pill, do the shoot.
Pop a pill, do an interview. Pop a pill, do laundry. Quite frankly, I was living like
a mother fuckin princess. I'd walk across the street and get a burrito
every few days that I'd eat, and just.... pop again. Honestly.

 I became sober in mid-May, and that's when everything hit rock bottom and everything
started to change- in my sober mind I could just see everyone for who they really were.
I realized I had no more money left in my account, I was 93 pounds and I was on
the verge of dying because no food would digest in my system without pills that I needed
to have but unfortunately I don't have medical insurance... so I was slowly just feeling
my body give up on me, on the 11th floor at The Rowan Building in downtown.

Everyday just got rougher, and my New York "friends" eventually turned on me.
Filming the reality show at our loft made everybody hate each other-
Tension started forming in the house- Our "landlord" banned the only two
friends that had capabilities to come see me while I was in the process of
sobering up and having haywire emotions and suicidal tendencies.

Everyday became slower and slower- one day felt like ten. I also became
severely depressed which led me to cry alot- with no privacy, ha, they'd
zoom the camera up on me as I genuinely sobbed. At that point I didn't
care anymore. The whole world saw Amor Hilton crumble into pieces.
My weight continued to drop and my health continued to fail with sleep
deprivation, withdrawals, stress, depression, and most of all the most
un suspected feeling- loneliness. My once Stickam/New York party pals
were no longer anything but enemies, which in Hollywood, is all you'll find
yourself in sooner or later.
 Nobody really, really cared enough about me in that house;
You can't expect your producers / gossip site owners to be you're real friend...
because to everybody in this internet world, I'm just pure entertainment-
which is technically right, but I am a real person too.
A real person who almost lost hope for living.

I remember looking down from the 11th floor with a cigarette in my hand,
100% sober, looking straight at the cars parked below me and thinking,
"I wonder if I jump, will I just fall?" as pathetic and emo as this is starting
to get, this was my reality. Waking up everyday wondering why your still alive?
Feeling your body slowly but surely shut down on you, knowing your heart
is starting to slow down, your energy starts running low, and so do the numbers
on the scales. I had thought about so many ways I could kill myself but then
a man named Ryan gave me reasons why I should live. At this point,
I'm sure he would take all those reasons back.

Ryan & I moved into the Sticky House together in order to keep our love
and relationship alive. The more sober I became, the more I realized
what kind of person he really was. " Who was he? What was his last name?
What was his sisters name? His grandmas?" I had no fucking idea.
I didn't even know specifically how old he was or his birthday-
I just sat there and went OHHHHH my god Amor. Your stupid drugs
made you believe you were in love- and I guess it just takes the first
couple weeks of being sober to realize the real things that are in front of you.

But still, I gave it a shot. He had nothing but good intentions on making me happy
and making my life better for me. I needed out of Sticky House - He needed
out of Arizona. And we were supposedly "in love". My family all fell in love with
him immediately and said they thought he was going to be the one for me.
Like I said, the more sober I got, the more things I realized I shouldn't of done
or said or caused. Like the destruction of an innocent guy's life all for a pretty girl
who promised him the world that she couldn't give him.

Things changed after we got our apartment together far away from Sticky House;
the more time we spent together, the more little (sober) things I'd over analyze
about him and make me distance myself more and more. It's so sad to say you
fell out of love, because love is a very rare thing in this world. His personality
changed as mine did- and I won't go into our personal details but things got ugly.

I will admit to breaking his heart- which breaks my heart to have to admit.
He moved his life from Arizona to Hollywood for a girl who has too many
issues and love problems, and is wayyy to complicated for him to keep up with.
I broke Jake's heart- which I'll never forgive myself for because he's just like
Ryan in a positive sense: nothing but good intentions and loving. I know I'll
see Jake Wolf on MTV someday and just know I let something awesome walk
out of my life. But when you are shredded by state lines, all you can do
is day dream. It was too perfect to be realistic.

I've relapsed a few times since, and with Ryan leaving my apartment
in two days (finally, you know how it is)  has just made me set my
ambitions and goals higher then ever.  I still  can't believe I got the front
cover of Lipstick Royalty Magazine... that's so nuts.  It's sooo weird
seeing yourself in Magazines, they're all over my coffee table that my
roomate keeps and haha it weirds me out some times, no lie!

 A musician from Black Veil Brides,
Sir Chris Hollywood, said we'd be the perfect HollyHood couple on the scene
and I think I might of met my match. We spent two nights together and we
just clicked. We (most soberly) finished each others sentences- he played
all the songs that I like, and he thinks its cute when I fight. We went to
an event last weekend and there were so many camera flashes that we
were blinded for the rest of the night haha The Model & The Musician...
isn't it so cliche? But so perfect at the same time? Some people
would say "wow you slut, moving on so quick".....
My response to that, most honestly, is that life is so fucking short.
Do what makes YOU happy. Cause  in the end that's all that matters.
I believe in fate, and i believe you follow your heart and it leads you
to where you need to be. Everything happens for a reason.


Screw the tabloids/gossip sites/ what they have to say...
They don't know me anyways ;)