6/6/09
Am I high when I write this shit?
I almost fell in love. then I realized how completely ridiculous (no; not REDiculous. this is not some fucked up AIDS campain with Bono or some shit) and fucking retarded it all was. It's a fucking scary thing. i don't wanna get into it.
Maybe it was just the situation. maybe I was more afraid of the fact that I was almost in love, rather than the actual....thing....? Whatever. The fuck if I know. All i'm aware of is that i'm glad that shit's fucking over.
Except now i have new feelings. fuck my life? Somehow there's an optomistic spark inside of me...no matter how small, or how far down that spark may be.
I've signed a pact. For the past like...2 months, i think....i haven't fucked with A or B anymore. C was a failure. i have the scar to prove it. Oh well. Fuck it.
I realized that i really just don't care about fucking anything. it's probably terrible and it's probably wrong but i'm really just proving how true it is by not doing anything about it.
Separation from the mega beast soon.
I am fucking ecstatic.
Also, i love Palahniuk.
I think i'm just on the edge of starting to get it.
2/10/09
Despite the fact that I more often than not hate my life, I have a lot of shit to be grateful for. My teachers basically all failed me this quarter, and I am going to exist in a civilization-less existence when the Bitch finds out, but at least I have my own opinion and am not going to be stuck in a shitty mediocre job teaching burnouts at a deadbeat high school in Bumblefuck, Long Island, similar to aforementioned teachers.
I may have had a bunch of people treat me like shit in the past, and I still deal with all their hilarious delusions to this day, but now I have new friends, who are actually in it for who I am, and not what I can give them. I'm in a band with not only the most incredible people I've ever met, but probably the most talented as well. How many people can say that? Not any of the ones around me, thankfully. The people in this town don't know shit. They're in it for the vanity and what's there for the moment...they're going nowhere in life. It helps me sleep at night knowing that half of these fucks will probably end up dead by the age of 40 out of pure stupidity, and I'll be all alone at my high school reunion (save for VM, of course- they're radical).
I have a lot of things I should be thankful for. And you know what? I am.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaahaaaaaaooohhhhh fuck.
Where is this taking me? I don't know where I am anymore...
They're in it for the control.
They're in it for the control.
They're in it for the control.
They don't want to help your kids.
Theyr'e in it to fuck them up.
2/9/09
"We, as individuals," is a giant fucking contradiction.
Why does everyone hate Barbra Streisand? She seems like a nice enough person to me.
2/8/09
Hello. I'm an oxymoron.
Point. Intrude, trick dime. Turn right.
Turn in.
Burn in.
Burn me
who am...
Trick.
Trick into.
Trick onto
....I?
Thick burn
Slow burn
Blow turns and torches blown-
UP and sewn
stitched up?
Ripping at the seams, while sipping on the dreams
That melted from the saccharine
sweet?
Sleep tight, love- my sound
Soft ground.
My
Oh
My
My sight?
Left turn. Point made.
It's either really easy, or really fucking difficult to think over the dull roar of a plane engine. It's like having someone constantly interrupting you. It's like the guy that repeats his jokes over and over again because he thinks no one heard him, when in reality they were just never funny in the first place. Everything around you is always noise like that. When no one's even saying anything, it's always fucking noise. It's either awkward tension, or hostile tension, or just plain stupidity, but it's there, and you can hear it.
The engine's still buzzing,roaring,crying,moaning,mocking, but it's calmed down from before...all I hear is the thickness in the air. Everybody's smiling but they all want to slit each other's throats.
I wish the engine and everyone it's talking to would just fucking stop.
I said I always wanted to live in California, but now I'm not too sure. Everything's too mellow. I'm on the bus going down one of the major highways, and there are neon signs alerting everyone about some child abduction and to look out for a silver Saturn. In New York, they'd get every sob-fucking police officer out there gunning off at every silver car they see. In California, they trust the people to do something about it. I find it funny. I wanna look out my window and see people getting the shit slapped out of them. The thing about California is that it's all behind the fucking scenes.
1/7/09
I came home from school today because I felt like curling up and dying. I'm just fucking adorable like that. My dad thinks I'm depressed and wants to call a doctor....fuck my life.
Nancy Drew is a shitty movie, so I'm not really sure why I'm watching it. Oh, and I started fasting again. I have decided that one of my biggest pet-peeves are people who use every aspect of their name in display names and screen names. Like, for real, how many times have you seen someone on Facebook who's name is like "JeNnIfeR AnNe RoSe MaRiE KaTinkA FuCkhEaD JoNeS-AndAHalf<3333~~~"
Go die.
I think my head is going to explode.
1/5/09
I realized that I make a shitload of fun of people to their face, they just don't notice it. Tim Burton is probably the owner and sole creator of Hot Topic. I hate school. Like...no. I don't really hate school, I just hate everyone there. All of you...seriously...like...every single one. I think it's about time I shaved my head. I wish I could pierce my entire face just to repulse everyone around me so that no one would ever talk to me. Scene kids are fucking disgusting, especially Tommy Scene...I'd like to kick him in the face one day- YES THIS IS A WRITTEN THREAT HAHAHAHAHA- I wish I could smash my TV out a window, but I'd probably get everything taken away from me. I listen to the best music ever, and your music is shitty. Rap requires no talent, and Kanye West is secretly a woman, who's fucking 50 Cent, and their pathetic bastard love child is Soulja Boy. Boi. Boy. Girl. My room reeks of smoke. Sweet fucking deal. Bret Michaels is gross and feminine- any woman that goes after him is a dumb ugly hoe, and anyone who looks up to those women is going to get shot. By me. Personally. My news years resolutions included being a lot nicer to people, and a lot less judgemental, but holy shit. This is way too much fun.