Just because I broke up with my ex-girlfriend doesn't mean that my family has to "divorce" her. After all, in the five years we were together, my family also developed a close relationship with that person. You might even say it would be selfish of me to just expect my family to cut ties with her just because our relationship didn't work out.

If that's the way you feel, then there's a problem. And it's not me … it's you!

I got into it with a family member last night over this very subject. This person is a blood relative, not some distant cousin, twice-removed bullshit. She maintains a friendship with an ex-girlfriend of mine, the same ex-girlfriend who slapped me in the face, stole money from me, and cheated on me. But my relative sees no problem with being her friend, and she enjoys bringing this woman's name up in conversation. She did it again last night and I called her out on it.

Her reply was priceless. "Whatever happened between the two of you is between you two," she said. "Until she does something bad to me, I'm going to continue being her friend." With that, she grabbed a ham roll from the plate in front of her and popped it in her mouth, signaling to me, I suppose, that the issue was now closed for discussion.

How rich! During the five years I was with my ex-girlfriend, this relative was always in the middle of our arguments, usually taking the ex's side. So this "don't-put-me-in-the-middle-of-it" defense was a bullshit objection from a classic bullshitter. What I also found humorous (read: hypocritical) is that my relative will be the first person to call upon "family loyalty" when she feels someone has done her wrong. So I decided to share my opinions with her, as only I can.

"What kind of emptiness exists inside you that you feel the need to pad your ego by befriending my ex-girlfriend?" I said. "Why don't you just make your own friends instead of trying to swoop in on my relationships like some kind of vulture."

And that's when she went berserk. She started dancing around my parent's kitchen like some crazed bantam rooster in a West Virginia cockfight. Face beet-red and veins bulging in her neck, she had a maniacal look in her eye as she pointed her finger in my face and screamed at the top of her lungs. "You don't tell me how to live my life!" she said. "I'll be friends with whoever I want to."

This bizarre floorshow went on for about a half an hour, but I never lost my cool during its entirety . Finally my father had to ask her to leave. What else could he do?

I've often said that our family is the one who puts the "fun" in dysfunctional, and last night's events proved it yet again in chilling detail. My relative's actions show me, in no uncertain terms, exactly how much she values me as a relative and a friend, and her kind of "family" is one I don't need. Real family would show some loyalty in situations like this. They would be appalled that someone did their cousin/nephew/brother/son wrong, and they wouldn't want to have anything to do with the person that did it. These ideals should be so basic, so ingrained in anyone consciousness. Yet here I was last night having to argue about it with a family member who obviously thinks more of herself than anyone or anything else.

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this particular family member would be a friend with someone as self-absorbed and narcissistic as my ex-girlfriend. "Birds of a feather flock together," as my Uncle Glenn would say.