I was TRYING to sleep, unsuccessfully, I might add so I got up and started to look through some old blogs and noticed that as much writing as I have done, I have not really written much on self deception and long term relationships.  Huh?  I know right...I'll explain as I have been guilty of this in the past as well.

Self deception as it pertains to long term relationships is the process that is used to minimize the flaws in a relationship so one can rationalize not leaving it.  Okay, the office of Dr. Stang is officially open.  Check this out.

A woman is in a relationship with a man that she is very sure is cheating on her.  She has caught him so many times in the past, he won't change his behavior and some very familiar signs of his infidelities are surfacing again.  Why does she stay?  Well, other than for love, she has convinced herself that no matter how many times he cheats, he always comes home, therefore, deep down, he really loves her.  Furthermore she has convinced herself that if she is patient and sticks by him that he will see that she is loyal to him and will, at some point, reinvest in the relationship because he'll see what a good woman she is.



This woman is lying to herself so she can be comfortable accepting behavior from him that she knows is unacceptable and that under normal circumstances, she would not tolerate for a second.  Self deception.

You know what, I'm so on it that I just struck a nerve with my damned self.  I just wrote "Furthermore she has convinced herself that if she is patient and sticks by him that he will see that she is loyal to him and will, at some point, reinvest in the relationship because he'll see what a good woman she is."

I have to put myself out there and say that on more than one occasion, I have gotten caught up in that fuckery.  I have given men who should not have gotten a second glance, the license to run amok with the belief that at one point, they would see that I was different than other women they had dated in the past.  I was so good, I had also gotten myself to believe that they just needed the chance to see that I was different instead of just kicking those relationship underachievers to the curb.

Women are not the only ones guilty of this self deceptive behavior.  Men, may actually be MORE guilty of this behavior, believe it or not.  Women tend to self deceive because they are in love and hope things to change or "get better".  Men tend to self deceive because their ego requires it and they are going to MAKE things "get better".  Pay attention to what I just said, women HOPE things get better and men are going to MAKE things get better.  So, when men self deceive, it's almost like they do it with a time limit in mind.  Women self deceive LONGER while men self deceive more OFTEN.  Make sense?

Cool, okay, now we've gone through all that to say that people need to stop bullshitting themselves.  If your relationship is bad then take the steps with your partner to work on it or get out.  Lying to yourself and thinking things are better than they are or things are not as they seem is emotionally taxing and helps to pack that baggage we talk about so often.  No one can lie to you like you and if you consistently lie to yourself then over time you have no inclination to believe what anyone else tells you either, even when it is the truth.