My life will never be perfect and I guess I've just gotta learn to accept that. My two biggest down falls were my ex girlfriends. One of whom changed my life, I think when she left me she gave me the ability to be stronger and more determined. I'm bipolar so I have a lot of ups and downs, sometimes I get so down that I feel there isn't anything left for me to do but just... End life where it stands and save myself and others a lot of heartache. And then I realize that just because it'll never be perfect doesn't mean I'll never have those perfect moments.

Moments are what we all live for, that moment standing under a tree in the pouring down rain and deciding that THIS is the time make a memory- to live, to laugh, to love. And you press your lips to theirs and you see the importance of what life gives you. I haven't made that memory yet, I'm still waiting. I do remember Washington, starting to rain, jumping out of the car and pulling Hallie along with me just so I could give her the very first kiss she'd ever had in the rain. Sometimes it breaks my heart remembering these moments, but it's what makes us live on.

My second downfall was my second official girlfriend, but I don't know how official you could call her. I learned from a lot of mistakes with Hallie and wanted to be better, to be different for Mikal. But it just didn't work out that way in the end. In something it did, how? I cheat on Hallie in the backroom of my bestfriends house while I was incredibly drunk. I'd been dancing around a crush on one of our friends and I couldn't help myself from pressing her to the floor as we kissed. But the next day it painfully hurt and I regretted it in so many ways. I never wanted to hurt the girl I loved more than life itself... And you can have those fucked up moments where you do something wrong but only realize how much more in love you are from them. But in this case I did not want a repeat, so I never cheated on Mikal. This made me weaker, and it made her stronger in power to control me. I didn't give into temptation.

How is she my downfall? I will let any girl I love control me. If I love her, I'll do anything for her. It makes me weak, and fragile but if you can't trust the person you love, who can you trust? I don't trust Mikal, though I my feelings still run very deep, I can't. My heart felt broken, but in truth how could it be? From the very beginning of this relationship I knew it'd never work out, and I told myself this was just another learning expierence. I would never fall in love with her, I'd never get that close. In some ways I haven't but in others...

I think I fell a little in love with her the day I met her, I can still remember clearly. I didn't know who she was, I thought she was someone else. She was cute, and not the type of person I would befriend on a normal basis. But there was something about her that drew me in so unexpectedly. I was having a terrible day, my families dogs had been murdered and I was looking for comfort from my friends and... and... SHE walks through the door. Her jacket, her coffee, her hair... All of it burned into my memories as if a fire had melted.

The first time we kissed amplified my feelings, but I kept telling myself not to get to involved with her. She wasn't my type and to even start something would be akward when it ended. I was drunk, it was the only way I could bring myself to get in her truck... Because I knew I'd have to kiss her. I knew it was coming and that excuses just couldn't hide it. She always gave time limits, she reminded me of Hallie because when me and Hallie hung out after we broke up she to gave me these fucking time limits. You have until this time, I'm leaving at this time.. BLAH BLAH BLAH, FUCK time limits. Fuck them all hard in the ass. Seriously. I think I can still taste the cherry lip gloss from that kiss.

I can still taste the cherry on my lips, from the very first time we kissed.

And it haunts me inside that I can't hide from you.

My birthday party might have been the night I actually fell in love with her. She left school early, though I doubt it was really a big thing. Kissing her on the stairs that night made it feel... Perfect. I don't know why. I knew I'd be lying to myself if I said I felt nothing. I tried to though.

The night we had sex I knew it was coming... I knew why she wanted me to go with her, I'd been fearing that moment for so long... How could I have sex with someone like her? Someone who had sex like it was nothing... Someone who... Who... Wasn't Hallie. My heart ached so bad as 1AM rolled to a stop and my arms ended up around her and as scared as I was I knew I wanted to be with her, just like this.

I went to Missoula with her. And I waited for hours in the doctors office for her. And I sat against this wall looking out the window down at the city. And I thought, and I continued to think until there was almost nothing left for my brain to think. And finally I turned around and their she was.... And there she was.

The last day I saw her before she left I looked into her eyes and my heart dropped. To realize I wouldn't see this person everyday from here on out crushed me. She isn't the most hot supermodel in the world but somehow when she walks into a room my heart just stops beating, and my fingers tingle in anticipation. She is more gorgeous than anything I've ever seen.. And looking into her eyes that day I couldn't help myself, I fell more in love with her then ever.

You know when you feel empty inisde yet... Your not? Maybe you don't, and thats okay.

I'm not done writing this.. I just.. need to write things out.