The 2008 presidential election race is finally here! We're 24 hours away from the first primary, taking place in Iowa, and I could not be more thrilled. I fucking love the race for president. I'm exceptionally thrilled this year, as Rudolph Giuliani is campaigning for the Republican nomination. I've been a Giuliani fan since 1996. I didn't actually follow politics at the time; I just thought he was very charismatic. I liked him even more when I actually started to follow politics and realized I agreed with most of his ideals politically. When Rudy announced his intentions of running in 08, I knew he had to be a lock for president. With his humor and charisma, not to mention his spectacular handling of 9/11 (he was called America's Mayor, and was knighted by Queen Elizabeth, for his strength in a time of such crisis),
I knew that people wouldn't be able to resist voting for this lovable Italian. I anxiously awaited seeing Rudy's first political ad, as I was sure it would win over anyone watching.
My friend Carson, who had no intention of voting for Rudolph Giuliani, called me after he saw Rudy's first ad on the Youtube debates. After telling me he watched it, I immediately asked, "So, you've changed your vote, huh? Hopping on the Rudy train, right?" Carson's response surprised me. "No, I don't think so, Nick. His ad was actually pretty shitty. I would say it was probably the worst one they showed." I laughed to myself, as I couldn't believe that Carson's liberal bias would cause him to lie to himself that much. As soon as I got home, I got online and looked up my boy Rudy's new ads.
Hmmm…that one wasn't too great. Maybe even a little forced. That's okay. First-time jitters, I'm sure. Now that the first one was out of the way, I'm sure the rest would be home runs. I went to his website and looked up the rest of his videos.
FUCK! What the hell happened? Like, isn't he paying millions of dollars to someone to write this shit? Why is this so bad? Why is he coming off so forced and not funny? He's a funny motherfucker, believe you me. Look at this video from when he hosted Saturday Night Live. And yeah, that's right, hosted. No cameo, no one-second skit, this fucking guy had the whole damn show written around him.
HAHHAHAHAAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Hilarious, man! So why is this shit so bad?
The Rudy train has been kind of derailed lately, and as of my last check, he's not even leading the Republican polls for the primaries in Iowa or New Hampshire. I think these commercials are to blame. And I think if this trend of shitty commercials continues, Rudolph Giuliani will not be the 44th president of the United States. And there's only one thing left to do to change that.
I am going to start writing commercials for Rudolph Giuliani.
You read that right. I usually don't like to volunteer for politics too much; usually the only volunteering I do is showing up at the victory parties and consuming as much food as I can. But I think desperate measures have to be taken here. And I know how to make people laugh, and I know what traits Rudolph Giuliani needs to focus on, because it's those same traits that attracted me to him so much, and those will be the qualities that will win the American public over.
I plan on submitting my scripts for these commercials to Rudy's official site, and I'm hoping that maybe by posting them on Myspace as well, they'll garner enough attention where Rudy's handlers have to take notice and get me to save the campaign.
So here's the script for my first commercial, complete with images.
RUDY AD 1: WHERE WERE YOU?
NARRATOR: In the 2004 fantasy film "Fahrenheit 9/11,"
a major question is poised. What was President George W. Bush doing when the World Trade Center was attacked by terrorists?
He was making an appearance at an elementary school, reading a book to a child. Even after being informed of the attack, he remained at the school and continued to read for several more minutes. This raises an interesting question: how can someone lead us against the terrorist threat if they can't even bring themselves to stop their own personal activity in the midst of an attack? People railed President Bush for this, and maybe with good reason.
But now George W. Bush is leaving office, and the Islamic extremist threat is still as great as ever. So shouldn't we hold our Presidential candidates up to the same microscope that we held our current one? How important did these other candidates think the 9/11 attacks were as they happened? We'll show you.
8:48 A.M: Joe Biden, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich, and John McCain were having their weekly "Loser's Brunch" at a local Washington D.C. Waffle House.
8:48 A.M.: Bill Richardson was attempting to smile big enough to tear his facial muscles.
8:53 A.M: John Edwards was taking in a mud bath, just as he does on every Tuesday, or 11th, or if it's a cloudy day outside.
9:00 A.M.: Mitt Romney was engaging in the usual morning rites of passage for all practicing Mormons.
9:04 A.M: Barack Obama was sitting at his house, doing nothing. He was only in the Illinois state Senate at this time, and actually had nothing of importance to be doing at this time. Senator Obama would like you to know that, regardless of what he was doing, he was against whatever anyone else was doing, and he has always felt that way.
9:12 A.M.: Ron Paul was planning his escape.
9:15 A.M.: Fred Thompson was participating in the worst photo-op of his career.
9:22 A.M.: Mike Huckabee was diligently doing Internet research on issues important to him.
9:34 A.M: Hillary Rodham Clinton was getting her bimonthly update at the lab.
Only one candidate was there in the midst of the attack. Only one candidate stopped what he was doing, and shared first-hand in the pain and suffering of the American people in the midst of this attack. Only one man:
NEW YORK MAYOR RUDOLPH GIULIANI!
He breathed in the ash, he felt the heat of the fire, and he pulled those on the brink of death back into life. From a few minutes after the attack, until late in the afternoon,
Rudolph Giuliani was there, side-by-side with the everyman, American citizens like you and me. And it's experience like that, which lets us know we can put our faith in Rudolph Giuliani. He's seen first hand the tragedy that a terrorist attack can bring, and he knows why he must make sure it can never happen again. That's why, whether it's the people he rescued to the firemen he stood next to, they only have one choice for President of these United States.
The preceding ad was provided for by the Nick Shantazio for Rudy 08 committee.
