This one's not really safe for work. 

So a lot of people were pretty upset about this writer's strike that occurred throughout the fall. 

Whether it was "Desperate Housewives" or "The Closer" or whatever network show you prefer, all were put on halt during what is usually the most productive season of the year for TV shows.  Lydia was crushed because the shitty "Office" was one of the shows that stopped producing new episodes. 

I, however, could not have been more thrilled, as no new scripted shows only meant more…REALITY TELEVISION!!!!!!  I love shitty garbage reality TV.  Not trash like "American Idol" or "Dancing with the Stars," but I love the ridiculous concept ones like "My Dad is Better than Your Dad."  Reality shows that should make our society ashamed of itself, that's my cup of tea.  And my absolute favorite of those is easily CBS' Big Brother. 

I fucking love this show!  Never heard of it?  16 people live in house for 3 months, voting each other off every week until one person is left.  They can't leave the house, and cameras watch them every minute of the day.  Not only do I love it because of the idea of people winning money just for living in a house, but I also enjoy it because of the absolute unpopularity of it.  It's been on 9 seasons, and yet I know almost no one who actually watches it.  My pal Nina is one of the few who is into it just as much as I am. 

I'm actually moving into Nina's apartment complex in a month; I'm hoping that maybe we can set up some Big Brother viewing parties when I'm not busy peeping on her.

Anyways, Big Brother only comes on in the summer, but due to the lack of scripted network shows, CBS started a new season a couple of weeks ago.  Since cameras are watching the contestants 24/7, CBS actually offers a live feed you can subscribe to where you can watch the house live whenever you want.  I've always been interested, but never subscribed.  More recently, CBS has partnered with Showtime to offer "Big Brother: After Dark."  Every night on Showtime 2, from 11 P.M-2 A.M, live feeds air from the Big Brother house.  I watch this religiously every night.  If I'm not home, I record it.  Why, you ask?  It's live.  I watch it for the same reason any guy watches any live televised event, whether it's the Superbowl or the Today Show or the president's funeral. 

One reason: what if a titty comes out?  That's right!  This shit is live, no censors!  What happens if someone's boob happens to pop out of their shirt?  I don't want to be the one guy who fucking misses a bare titty on live TV!  So for the past 2 seasons of Big Brother, I watch this fucking 3-hour program every night.  And for nothing.  I might see a g-string occasionally, but for the most part it's been people talking or sleeping or brushing their fucking stupid teeth.  I've gotten pretty discouraged, but I still watch, because what if?  What if I don't watch one night and that's the night there's a 3-hour handbra contest?  I can't take that risk!

So Sunday night I turn on Showtime, getting ready to be bored out of mind for 3 hours.  And what's the first thing I see on there?  2 of the female houseguests, topless, giving the other houseguests lapdances. 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!  Finally, patience pays off for something!!!  This shit was happening in real-time, and I was watching it LIVE!  I kept waiting for it to end quickly, or for Showtime to go to another commercial for the fucking "Tudors," but it didn't!  It only got more extreme!  Whipped cream was licked off of nipples, girls were making out with girls-it was crazy! 

The two slutty girls then suggested everyone go out to the swimming pool.  AWESOME!!!  Every guy in the house followed them out, of course.  After the two girls jumped in, a cavalcade of guys started jumping into the pool in their boxers.  Not as cool, but hey, there's still two naked girls on live TV!  Fuck yeah!

Then it became contestant James Zinkand's turn to jump into the pool.  I had the sound muted (because who wants to listen to a reality show when people are naked), and so I don't know if he was dared or what, but somehow James got the idea to take off all of his clothes before he jumped in the pool.  I guess it's only fair that if Showtime is going to show titties, they might as well give the ladies at home an obligatory dick shot.  So they cut to James, fully nude, and my jaw dropped.  "God DAMN!" I exclaimed out loud.

This guy James hasn't really stood out this season.  With his tattoos, scrawny frame, and stupid red Mohawk, he looks like your normal Hot Topic customer,

and someone who would not fare well in any type of game show.  I can't even really recall anything this guy has done this season, that's how little he stands out.  But not anymore.  James Zinkand has the biggest penis I have ever seen in my entire life.  Ever.  I'm not counting porn stars here, because they are supposed to be well-endowed.  But as far as regular nothing-happening guys go, James Zinkand takes the cake.  When the camera cut to him, I was in shock.  I even felt intimidated.  When the phrase "one-eyed monster" was coined, someone must have been thinking of this guy's fucking dick.  It was huge!  I'm surprised he didn't splash all of the water out of the pool when he jumped in.  And I just sat there in awe, shocked at the big cock I had just seen on my television screen.  I imagine I had the same look on my face as did the first people to test the A-Bomb. 

When I shaved my body last year, I put up a naked picture of myself with a bald eagle over my crotch.

It's majestic, I know, but size-wise, it's nothing to phone Grandma about.  A damn flock of eagles would not block out this James guy's fucking penis.   I don't know what bit of Americana to use to censor his crotch.

I don't even know why he's on a game show, because he's already fucking won.  If life has a lottery, James Zinkand is definitely the grand prize winner.  He definitely beats out Kristen's boyfriend, who was my previous designee for the "Life's Lotto Winner" title. 

James has probably never had sex in his life, because if I was terrified of just looking at his dick, I can't imagine how horrible the idea of having it inserted into me must be.  I imagine the Zinkand penis would part a girl in half like she was the Red Sea.

I did some research online, and it turns out that James has done a bit of amateur porn here and there.  Gay porn. 

Hmm.  I would make a joke about it, but all he would have to do to retort is mention that his penis is still the size of my arm, and he wins.

No joke, this guy has a pretty good-sized johnson on him. Kudos to the Zinkand family. Here's some links if you really would rather look at pictures of dicks instead of my poorly photoshopped censorings of them

NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!