A pretty big medical milestone happened last week.  The first-ever face transplant in the U.S. took place in December 2008, and on May 5th, she showed the results to the public for the first time.

Why would one require a face transplant?  It's a pretty serious case.  In September  2004, Connie Culp was leaving a bar in Ohio when her husband, Thomas Culp, appeared and proceeded to shoot her in the face.  With a shotgun.  From 8 feet away.  He then turned the gun on himself.

Miraculously, Connie survived.  According to ER reports, all that was left of her face was eyelids, forehead, and chin.

I can't imagine what a shitty day that must have been to work at the ER.  "Dude, I'm so hungover from that party last night man.  If I have to do anything that needs more than 10 stitches I'm going to flip.  Oh, somebody just got brought in; let me check them out."  And then he sees someone with no face.  NO FACE!  What do you do with that?

That's a lot of missing face.  Just in case you can't picture it, here's a normal picture of me.

And here's one with that much of my face removed.

That's a lot of missing fucking face.  What the fuck is a doctor supposed to do?  This doctor did his best and was able to keep Connie alive.  For years she lived in tremendous pain, and was unable to eat or drink or even breathe on her own.  I personally have never understood why people continue to live after something like that.  It's not a life!  If you cannot function at all are you are doing is wasting someone's money and stealing away care from somebody who might have a chance.  What did Connie Culp do for those years?  She just sat around in constant pain and waited for her next treatment.  Woohoo!  People get so weird about this "sanctity of life" thing and it doesn't make any sense to me.  Just die!  It's the natural progression of things!

Connie Culp, however, chose to live, and spent the next several years of life looking like this.  Brace yourself, this is pretty harsh.

In December 2008, the last resort of a full face transplant was suggested.  The surgery lasted 22 hours.  Here's an x-ray of what Connie's skull looked like pre-surgery.

And this past Tuesday, she was unveiled.  I, for one, was excited to see the results.   Here are some of the faces I'm used to and am a fan of.  Faces that I would think a doctor would recognize as good complete faces.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to a normal life, the new and improved CONNIE CULP!!!

Umm....huh?

What uh.......what happened?  Is this a mean joke or something?  Does she take this off and then reveal her regular looking face?

Hmmm...she looks like a cross between Birdie the Early Bird and the artwork from The Wall.

I mean, I guess technically it is a face.  It's got all the components of facedom.  How much did the doctors get paid for this?  If Lydia asked me to take out the garbage, and I opened the front door and threw it outside, then technically I have taken out the garbage without really doing it.  Is this the same thing?  Did the doctor call in that day or something?

Dr. Maria Siemionow led the transplant operation, and she also spoke at the press conference.  Unfortunately, her public speaking ability is on the same level as her face-transplanting ability.  She made several comments that were beyond ridiculous.  For starters,  she informed the press in attendance that the surgery was done to improve Connie's quality of life and that it wasn't done for cosmetics.  Thank you for informing us of the obvious, Dr. Maria Siemionow.  Just to let you know, when I urinate, I'm doing so to relieve waste and not just so I can look at my penis.

Dr. Maria also let us know that now that she had a mouth, Connie "eats hamburgers and enjoys her pizzas."  Fucking middle America, man.  "Now that I'm done got my face healthy, I'm gonna eat me some shit and fuck my stomach up!"  I'm glad our medical technology has advanced to the point where a shotgun blast can't prevent someone from eating garbage.

Dr. Maria said that Connie's face allows her to "blend in with society."  What society is Dr. Maria around?  Sid and Marty Kroft's?

The donor family was thanked at the press conference, but was not mentioned.  I assume they would have a closed-casket funeral for a face donor.  I can understand why they didn't, but I wish they would have had a picture of the donor so you could compare faces.  It took me a few hours, but after massive internet research, I was actually able to find a picture of the donor.  The resemblance is amazing.

My mom told me I shouldn't write this blog.  She said Connie Culp had been through a lot and I should have sympathy for her.  And she's right....almost.

At the beginning of this blog, I mentioned that after shooting Connie, Thomas Culp turned the gun on himself and fired.  Well, this guy must be the worst shot in Ohio, because he lived as well.  He was sentenced in 2005 to 7 years in prison.  Connie Culp was at the trial and, after asking the judge if she could have a few minutes alone with Thomas, proceeded to say that she forgave him and would be waiting for him when he got out of prison.  When asked about waiting for him,  Connie reiterated the statement and then said that Thomas "better put her on a pedestal once he's released from prison."  Please remember that he is in jail for SHOOTING HER IN THE FUCKING FACE WITH A FUCKING SHOTGUN!!!!    This whole "no face years of suffering" gimmick could have been avoided if not for the shitty actions of this one guy!  She could have been eating all the pizza she wanted!  And she just wants to be put on a pedestal?!?  That's where I lose sympathy.  What a dumb trashy bitch, face or no face.  I hope the second he gets out of jail and sees Connie he shoots her again.  I hope he shoots her twice!  And this time, there'll be no public sympathy, because she willingly put herself back into that situation.  At the face transplant conference, Connie would only say that she had been shot.  She refused to go into detail or answer questions about it, because she knew if she mentioned how much she loved her face-shooting husband, then nobody would give two shits about her situation.

Connie Culp is now an advocate for disfigured people.  She is an a position to be a role model.  How is anyone going to be helped by someone who is willing to put herself in such a stupid position to be disfigured again, all in the hopes of some guy being nice to her?

And I hope Thomas Culp is sweet to Connie.  I hope the second he leaves prison he shows up at her doorstep with chocolates and roses.    And then I hope that right after he gives her that fistful of flowers, he gives her a face full of bullets.

Or maybe he just gets Super Mario to jump on her head.