Dear World,

I think the telephone is one of the rudest inventions, ever. I mean, think about it. Someone dials your number, and their behavior is predicated on the premise that you will drop whatever you're doing, however more important that may be, and handle what they want RIGHT THEN. The older I get, the more convinced of this I am.

I think people should have to make appointments to call me. I'm dead flippin' serious about this. If they would like to speak with me, why should it be at THEIR convenience?

I'm a fan of email. Emails can be answered when it's convenient for me, and if a phone conversation is necessary, one can be arranged beforehand by mutual convenience, NOT when one person decides I should be happy to put my life on pause to accommodate them. It pisses me off to no end to stop writing, answer the phone IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE NO LESS, and find it's some dipshit who wants to give me a credit card.

And don't even get me started ..ular phones. Sure, they're cool; they're jazzy; they're convenient. They're also tiny little instruments of stunningly disgusting discourtesy. They give people an excuse not to look at or THANK the person ringing them out at the grocery or tip the bag boy. They give people an excuse to bump into people as they're power walking down the sidewalk. They give people an excuse to neglect the ones they're actually with and make them feel inconsequential. They give people an excuse to talk too loudly in front of strangers, as if anyone gives a shit what they're bringing to the BBQ. And finally, they should be banned from the roadways, because they distract drivers and cause as many accidents as someone with a buzz.

Sure, I have a cell phone, but I almost never use it. To my mind, they're for emergencies and should be used politely, not as bludgeons to show people who don't care how cool you are. I prefer mine for texting because that means I'm not calling someone who might be busy. If they are busy, they can set the phone to vibrate and get back to me when it's convenient. Which is also why I prefer email. I don't like calling people unless we've prearranged a mutually convenient time. I don't like assuming they'll be happy to interrupt their lives on my timetable. So this isn't an author thing. This is a feeling-we've-forgotten-some-basic-courtesies-as-part-of-modern-life thing.

I'm thinking of changing my phone number and giving it out on a need-to-know basis. I wish I was a spy and could get one of those numbers that's constantly randomizing itself for security reasons. Then I'd get a spy email from the phone company every day telling me what my number is today, and I would give it to practically NO ONE.

In conclusion, don't call me. Srsly.

--Ann