Yesterday morning I attended church, and watched as the children put on the annual Christmas Children's Musical. It started with the youngest getting onstage and singing jingle bells and we wish you a merry christmas, some singing as loud as possible others sheepishly singing along as quiet as possible and all of them ringing christmas bells in their hands with all their might. This was followed by the rest of the kids performing a small 45 minute musical that revolved around making a new girl feel welcome to her new carribean home. Just as the children were being ushered in in their tiedied shirts, one of the smallest little girls from the first group came running down the aisle to join the bigger group, she attempted to climb the stairs but her attempt was stiffled by one of the adults as she carried her off, making the crowd chuckle at how cute she was. later she was ushered back on stage as her and the other smaller children were brought on dressed like sheapherds, mary, joseph and the rest of the nativity and there was that little girl dressed up like an angel, the cutest little thing on that stage stealing the show.

Looking back on that show and how cute those kids were, and how nervous the main actors were as they looked to their director searching for the next line it made me remember of the Easter musical I was in at their age. I was one of the children to greet Jesus as he walked toward the stage to be greeted by the people as we sat palm branches in front of him. I also remember the innocence of those times. I remember how my biggest worries, at that age, were watching WWF on thursdays and wondering which nation ball team I would be on during recess. At that age life was so simple. I remember in sixth grade running for school president, and making signs for my campaign, for those of you who don't know I was the Ralph Nader of that election. Now I'm grown up. I'm finally in college like I always used to want to be in. I have a job, a car, money, and real responsibilities, just like I dreamed of growing up. And now I have real problems, and worries, and insecurities.

It's amazing how times change. I remember thinking when I was younger, what it would be like to live during a war, and then 9/11 happened and I never want to see something like that ever again. I remember wanting to be president and now I don't wish that fate on anyone. I thought mere talent could catapult me to the big leagues then realized that practice does make perfect and knees are fragile. I would watch movies like Forest Gump or Backdraft or even Tombstone as a boy and thought that anyone could be the hero, including me, and that love was so beautiful and  warm, and learned that not just anyone can be a hero but only those that have the character to do the right thing during times of termoil and that being a hero isn't neccessarily a positive thing (i.e. vietnam vets) and that love, even though it is beautiful, can be one of the most hurtful and treachorous feelings imaginable that requires us to take chances a daredevil wouldn't risk.

I also never would have imagined, at that age, that I'd be the man I am today. I never would have thought that I would have to struggle through as much as I have and am going to have to. And every once in a while I miss it. I miss playing cops and robbers, putting on my little firefighter outfit, lacing up my cleats and playing because I love to, or  getting married in my best friends back yard in 1st grade to a girl that I loved and whom loved me simply because we were who we were; two kids that liked to play together and enjoyed eachother's company, no other factors involved. I miss that innocence and how easy it all used to be, but I also wouldn't give up anything I've done or learned and even though I'm terrified of the future it excites me to see what life has for me, and all the things I'm going to look back on in another 19 years.