You got that right, pardners. Everybody is getting all up in arms about Conway West interrupting Tyler Swift at the MTV Awards, and I say it couldn't be any worse than the time Sasha Barren Cohn put made M&M taste his ass. I tried calling my cable provider after that to get MTV taken off my service. But that's impossible, and my young son Jughead Jake Jr. likes it. You know, when I was a kid, if I wanted to beat off I needed to steal a "Buck" or "Stag" magazine from a country store outside of Riverdale. ?
One time, 16 Magazine had an award show and we went. Reggie and I had a few too many soda pops (yeah right) and walked up on stage while Bobby Sherman was accepting an award for "Most Dreamiest/Most Favest Rave" or something stupid. We were mucking about and pretended to be Sammy Davis and Peter Lawford, except neither of us could dance. Then Barry Williams from "The Brady Bunch" showed up, grabbed Bobby Sherman by the dick and joined me and Reggie in an improvised dance bit. We got thrown out, but since no cameras were rolling, it didn't get reported on and no one was the wiser.
Yaknow, the press used to have a pretty good relationship with celebrities. We gave them puff access and they wouldn't print our dirt. Army Andrews died the other day and he had the scoop about Cesar Romero being a fag but held back because Cesar was just a character actor and much more than that a nice guy (even if lavender as hell). Nowadays you can't be the third banana on some shitty sitcom without Perez Helton or The TMZ blowing it up like it actually matters.
Here are a few bonus questions for the people out there:
Jughead, are you a Mac or a PC guy?
I'm a Mac guy. I've never been politically correct. I couldn't be politically correct if I wanted to. I'd love to be a nice guy and love all the blacks and Jews and messicans but dammit they've let me down time and time again with their basketball playing and their circumcisions and taking over our jobs and not liking white people.
And I run Mac at home and work.
Jughead, do you still play the drums?
Not so much anymore. I keep a pair of drums in the garage, but there is usually a tarp covering them. Don't drum as much. I prefer to strum the old guitar every now and then. I don't write songs, never really did that. I like playing old rock songs like Steve Miller and Joe Walsh. Oh yes. Other than that, my music career is dormant. Sorry, fans.