that's the scariest 'what if' ever in my world.

i'm sitting here in the middle of moscow... trying my hardest to relax and not think about work. BUT I CAN'T. the fact that i can't makes me wonder about the origin of my drive. there's a thin line between being ambitious and being too stupid to stop. it's almost like i'm not as talented as i am autistic. don't worry- i have reference points:

 the first thing that got me on this kick really heavy was a stat i heard on a documentary. apparently, the population count in New Orleans pre-Katrina was less than 250,000 people. as you all know, Little Rock and North Little Rock and Conway combined have 659,776 people (according to 2009 Forbes) [*link below]. yet and still i can't get a collective push toget my almost 30 year old ass up out of here!

i know what you're asking yourself: 'Why doesn't he move? There's nothing in this town for him...blah blah'

i'll tell you why:
 1.) everywhere i go (cali, florida, new york, texas) the big wigs ask me the same damn question, '...what are your numbers like where you're from?'. i reply, 'they're not the best, but i have more of a global appeal'. then they say, 'if we invest any capital into you, we'll do it on a small scale which will be a test market in and around your hometown... if you can't get your own friends and family to support you long enough to get anyone's attention- you probably suck.'

MAYBE I DO SUCK. if you had your last relationship on video, ripped it to editing software, and took the audio away; you could probably see the outcome so much earlier than you recognized it at first. i said that to say this: if i took away all the verbal praise and just looked at the actions of those same people- it would tell me i must be merely OK at what i do. average at best.

2.) don't quit your job until you have another job. i live in arkansas. it happens to be one of the states least effected by the recession. not to mention home to most of my super-huge family and my network. what the hell would posess me to move to New York (where, in january, it was reported that 50% of blacks are unemployed)?? California is doing so great either. If i had a guaranteed job or internship there, it would make sense. But dropping out of the clear blue sky and starting from scratch in a city where the only thing that outnumbers black guys who rap is white guys with guitars... sounds SUPER stupid. it goes against all my economic teachings.

3.) before austin became AUSTIN, it was a place like Little Rock. before houston was HOUSTON, it was a place like Little Rock. the only difference, in my opinion, is the concentration and quality of their creative class. i have been a lot of places, and almost nowhere can compare to the amount of talent AND variety in Arkansas. some talent chooses to leave and chase the Cali and NY myth. the ones who do stay are so critical of other art, it makes for a bitter place to attempt anything.

now you see my dilemma. my little brother said 'you have to keep getting better in order to be the best'. i have been practicing the violin religiously. i was hoping to debut it and my new band this year, but we aren't ready. it has to be perfect.
 but meanwhile:
- i have 31 albums
- i wrote the first rap IN THE WORLD that makes sense backwards and forwards when you read or say it
- CNN heard of what i was doing and saw fit to cover it
- i was referred to the Harvard Law Department and was asked to SPEAK (not rap) at their annual conference

WHAT THE FUCK MORE CAN I DO??!! i'm money in the bank! i have done all this with no budget. i have and will continue to be recognized by respected institutions as an exceptional artist, thinker, and opportunist. what kind of cruel joke is this?! you mean to tell me that the only people who think i'm awesome are the ones with no money or influence? i don't believe it. Arkansas has a lot of wealthy people and entrepreneurs. what are they waiting for?

i always think that i am constantly being punished for the way i used to live and be. and although i've been forgiven; i can only achieve a limited level of happiness. i've heard that if the same thing keeps happening to you; it means that you haven't learned what you should have and it will keep happening until you do. i've also heard that the only thing that makes a person crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results...

Arkansas... i take umbrage to your actions (or lack thereof)

http://www.forbes.com/2009/04/23/most-dangerous-cities-lifestyle-real-estate-dangerous-american-cities_slide_10.html?thisSpeed=undefined