Ugh. Like, honestly, my life is so messed up right now. I don't even know where to begin... my life is so discombobuleted. Everything is falling apart and deteriorating. But here goes...
Everyone knows the story of me and my mom... and everyone knows how much I've tried to fix it my whole life. And everyone knows how it never works. I tried to get her help. I tried moving to California. I tried moving back to Colorado. I tried moving in with CJ, Hassan, Jermy and Bryan, then Burt and Bryan. Then moving back home with Bryan. And its just never enough. I could write a book about how confusing it is trying to please that woman... and trying to do whatever I can to get her to stop drinking. Like honestly, I'd do anything. But nothing really ever works. And the shit that goes on at home, frays out and effects every part of my life.
Friends, that shits going good I guess. I've made tons of new friends this past school year, and that makes me so happy. I've started hanging out with a totally new group of people, the bombest people you'll ever meet... Juggalos. I remember last school year, I was always so down about Juggalos. Me and Tomeka would talk so much shit... it was honestly amazing. We hated them. But when I started hanging out with Bryan and his friends, who almost all of them happen to be Juggalos, I realized that I hated them because they were different. I never really gave them a chance, and when I did, I fell in love with them. They are honestly the greatest people in the world. I have so much fun with them, its great. But I've also come to realize that this school year, not only have I made tons of new friends, but I've lost contact with old ones. And that kills me. Like me and Tomeka... we don't even talk anymore. We've both changed too much when the other wasn't around... and it killed our friendship.
School... sucks. Thats basically all I can say. I skipped school way to much my Freshman year, and I had to go to a continuation school for it. Then I started skipping there. Now, I have to go to court for truancy. Like, honestly, I realized the other day how amazingly stupid going to court for not doing something as easy as going to school really is. I could go to Juvie for not going to school. Wow. Thats kinda amazingly dumb. But I've done what I've done, and I have to live with the consequences.
Bryan... me and him, we're great. We get into stupid little fights a lot, but then again, who doesn't? We love eachother, I can honestly say that we do, but sometimes I wonder about us. I treat him like shit, I know that and everyone else does too, but I'm trying to change for him. We live together now, and I've realized that like, literally, I can't live without him. Believe me. I've tried. We have to be together, no matter what, and I like that. I miss him so much when he's not around... and I take that as a good sign. With Bryan, I really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. I love him, he loves me, and thats all that matters.
So, this stuff that I'm about to write, it might be kinda of confusing, cuz I have no idea how to word it. But I'll give it a try.
Today... I didn't go to school. I know, I'm stupid. But like, I can't help but think that my mom and my boyfriend don't want me around during the days. They tried to wake me up this morning but I wouldn't, and I can see me getting shit from my mom about not waking up... but Bryan? No way. I thought he liked spending time with me, and he was trying to convince me to actually go to school. Which is kinda wierd because he never really has before. But I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. And my mom, I don't even know whats up with that. She cries, and begs me to move back home, then I do, and she goes back to treating me like shit, like she doesn't really want me here. [[Background INFO= =I'm Bi-Polar.]] And I feel bad staying here during the days. How does that work? I don't even feel at home in my own home. Today, I got so pissed at my mom, she puts me under so much stress, honestly its insane, and I couldn't handle it and I freaked out, my Bi-Polarness came out. And I can't help but wonder if Bryan is looking at me get so angry and is like, "Oh, damn, this is not something I want to be with." So I try to contain it. But anyone with Bi-Polar knows that the more you contain your anger, the worse it becomes. But I try anyways, and it kills me.
And lastly, I'm major sick of people not believing in me. Like, example: In business class, we were supposed to say where we were going to be in 5 years. Everyone said college, and when it came to be my turn, I said college too. And the first thing out of like, everyone's mouth was, "Yeah. Riiiight." But honestly, I do plan to go to college. I may have fucked up in the past with school, but I'm trying to get my shit together, and no one sees that. Everyone thinks I'm gonna drop out and just get my GED, maybe not even that, and it pisses me off. Just because I've fucked up in the past doesn't mean I'm gonna fuck up again. It just means I have to try harder to convince people. But frankly, I'm tired of spending my life trying to convince people I can make it. Sometimes I wonder if I should just drop out when I can, and just make everyone happy. Like, no one has confidence in me, and it kills me that not even my best of friends think I can make it in this world.
So this is about half of my life, theres still so much going on, but I'm just gonna leave it at this: I'm going to get through this life, regardless of whos behind me or not.