Solitude is my best friend because then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about possibly hurting you. I don’t want to hurt you, to burden you because nobody deserves this from me. Nobody should have to deal with this, because it’s nobody’s fault, only mine. You deserve to be happier and you deserve to do better with your own time rather than hear this from me. You deserve to feel better than just feeling useless and guilty, thinking that there must be a way for you to help me, that you’re a jerk or stupid because you simply can’t come up with anything to help, to make me feel better, when you can’t really realize that this is incurable. You get to thinking that it’s your fault for happening to me, when it is not.

So rather than get criticized, misunderstood and feeling bad for being truthful about what’s going on through my head and what I feel, I keep my damn mouth shut. And you know what? You know why I like being there for other people when they need to vent or have pain inside? Because I want to take away the pain from them, and get that pain burdened on myself, because they don’t deserve it. I deserve the pain more. I figure, if I can’t do any shit to make myself feel better, I might as well make others feel better. I’m so used to loving other people, helping with their problems, being there for them that I don’t know how to love myself, to help myself, and to be there for myself. Because I run away from myself, because I can’t love myself, because I can’t help myself with my problems since there’s no cure for this. I run away from my problems because I’m scared to face the reality about myself. I deny it. I don’t want to deal with my problems at times because I’m so sick of dealing with myself. I’m so sick of dealing with myself. I’m so sick of having to fight the temptation, to confront this about myself. So I get to forget about all of this bullshit when I’m being there for my friends. That’s why I became accustomed to always being the one that people could always depend on. I feel better when I know I can fix their problems.

When something bad happens to any of my friends, I can’t help but feel that it is my fault, even if it truly is not at all. I am supposed to be the one person that people go to for anything, and I am supposed to fix things. When I don’t or can’t fix it, regardless of the situation and however little power I have in it, I punish myself. I hate feeling like I can’t do anything about it. I deserved it. I asked for it. When bad things happen to me, I feel that it happens because I asked for it to happen to me, right now, right here. It is a way of punishment, and that I deserved it because I did not do this or that, because I was not the person I was supposed to be, because I did not do enough.

After reading all of this, try and tell me straight in the eye with full honesty that you still want to be with me. Even if this was true coming from your sincerity, I still would not believe it. I would still be reluctant because you do not deserve this bull from me. You deserve better than me. You deserve better than a manic girl who only focuses on everything that is wrong with her, someone who inside is a constant pessimist in spite of how bright things look. Anyone who truly loves me has to be downright insane, so blind as to see how self destructive I am, to see the dark capabilities I possess inside. 07/02/09