Dear Emo/Hipster guy,

If your ass is too fat to fit into your skinny jeans, this does not mean you should just leave it hanging out. And no, the fact that you have skinny little-girl calves does not make up for it. Seriously dude, it's not sexy, and it's not ironic. Just because you desperately want to believe you can fit into your little sister's pants in no way means that you actually can. You look like burst sausage in a denim casing, propped up on toothpicks. Wearing Chucks and a trucker cap do nothing to disguise this. Even the little five-year-old girl you walked past thought you looked like douche. She said so.

Just sayin'.