George Carlin didn't really come up with that one; its a Chinese proverb. On the occasion of his birthday, here are some of his memorable quotes:


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

What year did Jesus think it was?

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.

It isn't fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.