Subject:
demotion to major

Body:
this notice is hereby given to the formally known as col. wade randolph hampton to inform him of an impending demotion to major for dereliction of duties ie the take care of bear clause... To avoid the demotion the following remedial activities will be sufficient:

1) call bear now at 213-7**-8***

2) send bear a contact phone number that the colonel answers or will take a call from bear

3) go to your nearest longhorn ranch, castrate a bull and use his dismembered parts for your lunch of a la pepe and balls worcestershire soup garnished with a light and spicy cream of bull.

the demotion will be effective in 27 hours 9 min 36 sec...as well as a possible bear mauling....

you have been adequately notified...

thank you for your immediate action...

your universal soul representative

bear