For some reason everytime I go to the Best Buy in West Hollywood something crazy happens to me. For example: A couple of months ago I was working as a Production Assistant on an independent film. The camera department asked me to buy them a memory card for the digital camera they were using to shoot the movie. Knowing how important this was to the film, I didn't want to fudge it up. I had exactly 30 minutes to buy the memory cards and get them back to the camera department. On your mark... get set... GO!
At the Best Buy I am that crazy, flustered, yelling, frustrated customer that every store employee loathes. Sue me. I'm yelling at the teenager behind the counter in the digital camera department saying, "I need a memory card for a digital movie camera!" He didn't know the difference between a memory card for a still camera and a memory card for a motion picture camera, and neither did I. For future reference: there is no difference. So, while I'm yelling at the poor kid. I feel something tugging on the back of my pants. I think that my pants are caught on the bottom of my shoe, or got snagged on someone's shopping cart so, I start kicking my leg trying to shake free what ever has got it's grip on me. This does no good. There is still something tugging on the back of my pants. I look down to see a little girl of about two years of age with my pants in her mouth! What the!? She has a single serving of coffee creamer in her hand that she has opened and managed to spill on the back of my pants. She then proceeded to "clean up" the spilt milk by putting my pants in her mouth. Crazy pants eating baby. I look around for the baby's mother who sees her child and is completely unaffected by her actions. I ask the woman to claim her child, but she speaks no english and doesn't understand, "Tell your child to get my pants out of her mouth." So, I look down at the baby and say "No. Bad. Don't eat pants. Shoo!" She looks up at me with a totally confused look that says, "What's the problem lady? How else am I going to get that coffee creamer off your pants?"
I back away from the baby, grab the memory cards off the counter and run to the check out. Freaking baby. There is a coat of baby slobber and coffee creamer on the back of my pants that looks like someone shot their wad on the hem of my slacks. Ha. Slacks. This makes me want to hork and I beg the cashier for a paper towel or a napkin, a kleenex, anything you got I'll take it. She gives me a look like, "Are you freaking retarded? Does this look like a restaurant to you? Dumb bitch." What she actually says is, "No. Sorry I don't have any paper towels. Why do you ask?" I tell her about the crazy baby in aisle 5 and show her the cum shot on the back of my pants. I think it made her puke in her mouth a little bit, and she miraculously pulled out an entire roll of paper towel. Who's the dumb bitch now? I thank her and do my best to remove all sight and stench of the baby fiasco. I pay for the memory cards and run them over to Panavision in 29 minutes flat. I rule. True story. I can't make this stuff up and there's plenty more where that came from.