i am eating hella candy! and blogging!  that means a sugar rushed free writing session!

i went to lunch with my-aged-coworkers and i went to lunch together. we ate vietnamese food together it was delicious...its cool to have co workers to hang out...kinda. i dont trust them i think they will rat me out. and i have so much to be ratted. christine swears too, she talks about drinking too...but i feel like shes trying to get information. i feel like they are going to fire me, thats why. like they know im facebooking and myspacing and blogging and swearing all day long. mahhhh. i fear closed door conversations, and the smug smiles and greetings from comrades. they dont want me here. i know it. it sucks tho cause i want to keep my job now, desperately cause im moving out in december and i found a lump on my neck september 25 and have two - three more now. i had a biopsy yesterday and am getting the results tuesday. i am scared its something serious but at the same i dont want this to be all over nothing. ya kno what i mean? any how, it is actually four already, i started this at three. i had to help decorate. i ate hella candy. i have to go buy flowers. i hope somewhere is open i have to write a check to. koden. is it the same in every culture, it is pretty practical. i dont know how long to stay, i am dressed so so so in appropriately, i hope thats ok. i havent showered in few too. its ok. its ok. i have too much to think of...i just heard stuff that shouldnt mater to me but throw me in to a world of madness. i am the mad hatter. i am gollum. i am the great pretender. hahah. not the last one but the first two. yo soy. i have my halloween costume idea. its way sexy and i know it. i hope i can pull it off. im so scared i wont have it all together in time. i have time it will be fine. im sad theres no disneyland but im excited to go party at jordans. i am afraid, people know more about me then im willing to share, because i had to divulge information on a need to know basis, and i dont know if those who needed to know confided in anyone else...it doesnt really matter. i am focusing on forgetting that aspect of my life completely or just for right now. you sound so slick now, i dont like your voice so much anymore. most things make me sad or angry, which is still better then before when it was just unchecked rage and confusion. im not so unhappy now. its easier to brush shit off. id say numb if i didnt hate that trite victim shit so much. i play it for hating it so much. ironico. self pitty im trying to stop. its just so easy and fun to kick myself, its like fish in a barrel. if this is so easy why would i risk trying anything else, and fail when i know i will only excel beratement. i need to not be so self involved. what to do now. what to do now. i hope the flower store is open. i dont know if i should go home to shower and change. i dont know how long i should stay. i ate five + milky way bite sized candies. i am helpful to students because i am scripted and have no problem stretching the truth, taking some creative license, lying, bullshittering, whatever you want to call it. but for the most part it is true and helpful. im blogging massively to bury a blog that is more pretentious and reveling then id like, ive already made it a preferred lister. i never made it public, just to friends. its sad how transparent i am, i just want....things i am trying not to focus on. the more and more i get out of my head, the more i realize i have little to no substance about me. i have no personality, just complaints and irrational responses to inconveniences in my life. i turn those around in to jokes, because i want attention i guess. i blog to communicate things i normally keep to myself out of fear or awareness of their inappropriate nature. i didnt even like him that much but the way he 'broke up' with me (we werent even together) was so devastating i cant stop thinking of him and still stalk him and still change my behaviors and actions because of him. i think about late night tuesdays and how they are gone and if i contributed anything to that. fucked up shit happens around halloween. my grandfather died halloween. auntie judy died halloween. i got arrested halloween. this year is no better. its not that i think halloween is at fault or bad luck or that every year when it rolls around something bad will happen, but every year i think of how sad it was that one time or the other or last year. im looking forward to getting my tattoo against doctors orders this saturday. im not telling anyone, i only told colette. because well. thats the only one i want to know. i have a painful zit. i feel them looking at me not work. i hope i get cancer and die so they all feel bad. i am a fucked up person. my head and my insides are wrong and cruel. liar, thief, murderer. i wish so much that my life is more then this. that my dreams and pursuits of them will end the way i hope and intend them too. i want to get drunk so bad. i want to take home some random stranger to bed. i want to hit and kick and punch and break and be loud and be destructive and run down dp with no shoes, i want to fight stupid blond whores, i want throw up in someone elses yard. i want to play beirut, and yes its beirut, i want to get too drunk with in the first game to defend my title. i miss my long shot. i miss the guys, i miss the girls, i miss living in the devils playground. i miss crying over alex. i miss running, i miss swimming. i miss smoking and hookas and jazmine. i want to eat red peper and free birds. i miss college i miss no responsibility i miss living in one square mile of co ed debauchery. i dont care about seans room anymore i dont care about being ignored by joel i would do it all again to have alex break my heart and let me, almost want me to run out of his house crying. i dont care about what happened at home when i was away. i had so much fun, why am i not having fun anymore. it wasnt fun going through it, remember that it was not always fun. and this tho it doesnt feel good now, will look so fun a few years from now. im going to move out and not come back this time. i might need a second job. ill do it, i cannot go back. i feel bad that i dont want to be there, its not like i dont love or care for my mother and grandma but i cant stay there. when i leave they make it seem like im leaving them, like i dont care about them, i dont want to ... im not trying to ditch them. its not that i dont want to spend time with them but i have things i want to do, i want to be independent, i dont want to have them have to take care of me. i dont know what to do. i dont help, i dont want to be a burden. i feel like i cant do anything right. im scared of everything. but lets stop, lets talk about something good. the first thing that comes to mind is the net book. hahaha. in my dui group we had a remembering successes work sheet. i filled it out with negativity and about my depression and insecurities, but when it was my turn to share, i realized i was too full of self pity and tried to talk about something more positive and spoke about comedy. and it is the one thing i did on my own, with out anyone to do it with or for, not cause i was supposed to, but because i wanted to. it really was. i had to got to school, i was supposed to go to college, i had to play an instrument, take ballet, gymnastics, church, obon, yba too. when i realized that i loved it even more, and all the hope for success i never really put whole heartedly into anything else fell into this one basket. ambition i never had started with this. now im ruined, if this doesnt pan out i dont know what im going to do. its so hard. its always been. i still havent quit and quitting now would be harder then actually trying or to work harder. that freaks me out. i cant think about what i would do if i want doing this. i cant think of anything id want to do more. which is why i do nothing at work. losing the competition makes me scared that i have no business doing what im doing or hoping to continue with it. i thanked that judge the first night and with out looking me in the eye she said keep trying. i dont think i was someone she wanted to continue. i hate myself too much i am too consumed with creating hurtles for myself. i say to myself, that no one can tell me anything meaner then i havent already said to myself. i dont believe that so much anymore, i think it was wrong of me to think it before, cause i was still shocked when i heard things, and even this,  that has still effected me, not surprised but got to me more then it should have if i was prepared. i am vaulnerable with this now. cause now i have something to lose, i care about, i have invested in. weird. i have to poop. poople. hehe. i am not cut out for this shit. any of it. but ill be dammed if its not fucking fun sometimes.

ok i can go home now.