I never thought I'd be one of those guys that looked back and was nostalgic about my younger years. And to some point, I guess I'm still not. It's hard looking back and trying to understand why I was ever sad about anything, the only real responsibility I had was not fucking up in school, which I was pretty borderline at anyways. I couldn't wait to grow up to prove something to the world. 6 years later things feel mediocre at best.

I don't understand who writes the rules that define us. As much as we like to think that we do, there's very little we actually control in our lives. I'm sure i'm not the only one who sometimes wishes to just pickup and start over, but there's always something stopping me. Probably for the best, especially considering where I'm at now.

When I was younger, I decided to take a different path than my brother and his friends. I decided I never wanted to drink and do drugs. It was a really easy decision then, I didn't have easy access to them and nearly all my friends agreed with me that doing them was pretty dumb. That decision got harder and harder as I came to college and my friends starting changing their attitudes about it. Seeing my friends cave to peer pressure made me more resolved about it, but it slowly led to the point where I am now. Feeling like the rest of my world has moved on without me.

There's not much I should complain about. I have a great family, a successful(ish) website, I can pay my bills (most of the time) and I'm lucky to be able to attend school when so many in my family haven't had that chance. But at the same time I can look at my life and be completely unsatisfied. I met this retired school counselor when I was a senior in high school, he needed his computer fixed. I worked at a computer shop at the time and drove out to his house to help him out. He asked me about school, asked how my grades were, I replied, "average". He gave me a look and said "Why? Anyone can be average. At best, you're doing what every other person on this planet is capable of doing. Why not do better? Why not do great? It's those people who can change the world". That's been something that's stayed with me since that day, and something I'll keep in mind for the rest of my life. It then becomes too easy to look at where I'm at and feel overwhelmed with my own mediocrity.

I've been in college 5 years. After changing my major and taking a break somewhere in the middle, I'm barely done with my associates degree and starting the second semester of working on my bachelors. All my friends that I graduated high school with have now all graduated college with their bachelor degrees and looking to get their "real lives" started. What have I accomplished in that time? GDA is a nice reminder of both what I'm good at, and why I feel like I'm failing. When I dedicate my energy, I can do pretty good work. But the far majority of the time it's a half-assed effort at best.

It kind of amazes me how some people can have all their shit together and be 100% content with life. It also amazes me that I'm able to be in contact with literally thousands of people every single day online, and when I'm at home and need someone to come over, there's no one around. I have 3 very close friends. One is in Alaska starting training for a job he just got after graduating. One spends most of her time working, which I can completely respect, and the other spends 95% of his time with his girlfriend. And don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, if anything, it's empathy. How is it that we can drive ourselves to the edge thinking about these things.

Why can't it be as easy as it was when we're younger. I remember going camping with my family when I was around 11 or 12. I meet this kid, William, while swimming in the lake. He and his parents were visiting the US from Germany, he was 10. We were camping for a week, and for 4 days we were best friends, and it felt like we had known each other our entire lives. When you grow up and decide that parties aren't for you, and that's the way the far majority of college kids socialize, you're left with very few options on what to do, and can end up spending your days more frustrated that you have no one to call. Then again, if I liked to party I wouldn't be in this situation because that's where I'd be with the friends I currently have. When your friends start to change and you no longer share the qualities that once bonded you, what are you supposed to do? Make new friends? As logical as it sounds, it doesn't work like that for me. I grew up with my best friend. We've been friends for 15 out of my 22 years. We're lucky to still have each other, but at the same time it's not easy when you can't be the same people you were in high school and have whatever it was back then to keep you together. It's also not easy when you feel like you're the only one putting in the effort to make sure things stay together. If I feel like this when one of my friends leaves the area, what do I have to look forward to when the other 2 leave.

A part of me wishes I just kept all these thoughts to myself, but at the same time it's worth writing them down and sharing them, hoping for feedback, because then it feels like it counts. The thoughts in my head are usually worthless unless someone else can hear them. Some people can use poetry and music or art as their outlet. None of which I'm very good at, or interested in getting better at. So I write them down. I don't really feel like there's a problem with letting others know you're human and have emotions as well. We all have our problems and have to deal with them in different ways. I guess this is my way.