Even though I bought a suit tonight, I really really want to wear my
purple pinstriped one to the memorial, with my Snoopy tie and orange
Chucks.  She always loved that.  She'd also probably throw me through a
wall if I wore it to anyone's  funeral, though, so I'm not doing it
for hers.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It
is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of
your body."

~Elizabeth Stone

I spent all of today
alone, and haven't seen anyone outside of my family for the past three
days.  And that sucks because I really need a friend right now, but
I'll admit it's not because no one is there for me.  I just don't know
how to ask them to be there for me, like, RIGHT NOW.  Didn't want to
interrupt anyone's Valentine's Day.  Or Sunday dinner.  Or, you know,
life.

She died on Friday the 13th.  How much of a sense of humor
do you have to have to die on that day?  "I know none of you are
superstitious, but watch this, fuckers!  KAPOW!"  Totally something my
mother would do.  Even if no one else gets it, she and I, we had that
bond.  We talked about stuff like that for hours.  And I'm sure only we
found it funny.

I never did hear my mother say "fuck".  Not once.  I kind of wish I had.  She'd be able to make it sound adorable.

I
remember when she was at Parkland in the coma, and they told us to say
our goodbyes, John broke down crying, and said he'd give anything to be
able to talk to her again.  Had we not moved her to Boston, she would
have died in pain and misery.  But she never would have woken up, and
he never would have had that chance to talk to her again.  I may not
have, because she didn't want visitors, but I'm okay with that. 
Because he did get to talk to her again.  Stroke her hair again.  Kiss
and be kissed by her again.  Tell each other they loved each other
again.  They really did and do love each other more than two people
could.  I never felt like I fully knew my mother until she left my
father for him.  He unlocked the best parts of her for all the world to
see.  And that means the world to me.  I hope some day to love and be
loved like that.  Or should I say, I have felt that, but getting it in
return has been... not so successful.  That's what I think about a lot
these days.  The closest thing I had to that was the love my mother
gave me.  And I don't have that now.  That makes me
feel the loneliest I ever have in my life.  Not alone.  I know I'm not
alone.  But you can not be alone and still be lonely.  The greatest and
truest love I've ever had in my life is gone.  I just... I don't know
what I'm going to do without that.

I miss her so much.  I know
we all do.  And I like to think that as long as Michelle, Devon, and I
are here, she always will be too.  Every parent has a special bond with
their children, but what I have always loved about my mother is that
her bond with her children has been a unique one to us as individuals. 
She was my mother, my caretaker, my confidant, my biggest fan, and my
best friend.  Even as recently as January, she was sending me an email
telling me it was going to be bitterly cold and to bundle up.  It's
little things like that that I'll miss about her the most.  She never
worried about herself.  Not when she was getting smacked around by her
stepfather, not when my own father was cheating on her, and not once
when she got sick.  She always worried about us.  Even when we didn't
need worrying about.  Even when SHE was the one that needed to be
worried about.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning because
I had to go to the lady’s room.  Being a lazy person, I laid there for
a long time before I finally got up.  I came back to bed and decided to
close the bedroom window.  As I was doing that, my eye caught a huge
fireball glide across the sky.  It was the biggest and brightest shooting star
I have ever seen.  I wonder if it might have been a comet?  It was
headed in a north to south direction in the western sky.  I made a wish
and I sure hope it comes true.What were the chances for my catching that, huh?  Half a second here, half a second there and I never would have seen it.~Linda, October 24, 2008

I
wonder what her wish was.  She never would have told me in a million
years.  Of course not.  If she did, it wouldn't come true.

Thank
you for being my shooting star for so  many years, Mom.  There was
never anything in this world that was as beautiful to me as you are. 
And I'll never find anything shining as brightly in the sky as you do
in my heart.

I love you.