so, last night on a whim, my friend Michael calls and asks if I want to hang out with him in the gay ghetto down in Long Beach.  I was actually working, so that was fine, and a good way to take a break.  So, the place that we originally were going to go wasn't open due to unforseen issues with the liquor board.  Michael then suggests another restaurant in the area. 

I meet him there, and am having a lovely time chatting and then something catches my eye.  I look outside and there is my last ex (who "lone rangered" me...  aka... rode off into the sunset leaving me to wonder, "who was that masked man"?)  He was getting into a car with a girl and a guy and looking like he was having a grand old time.  Now, silly me, I thought I was over him because of the f*ed up way he left things.  But OH NO... life is not that kind :)

I felt like i was kicked in the chest by a horse... and I sat there staring... getting instantly jealous and then tearing up right there at the table.

I still don't know why it's such a slap in the face, or why i reacted so strongly.  We both knew we weren't a forever thing.  We wanted diametrically different things.  I got it.  I wasn't fantasizing my wedding or what our first child would look like.  But.  I did get attached.  And he was my best friend for a while.  I still miss him.  He disappeard in early March and I haven't talked to him since.

Although it took me a while, i actually only just removed him from my AOL messenger list last week.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Now, Michael, being the sweet gay man that he is, says "this is a sign.... you should text message him and tell him you saw him".  HELL NO sez I.  It is so easy to pine for someone when you are lonely.  And I have to ask myself, what is the point?  He clearly didnt want to be with me (hence the disappearing act), nor did he want things to end on a positive so we could be friends some time later.

If any friend of mine were telling me this story i would scream "RUN... THE MAN IS AN ASS.... WHY PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THE PAIN"....

but of course it's me, so I dont have any distance or objective sense of the situation.  All i can do is feel bad and cry. 

So here i am... sad... on a lovely sunday night, because I had a chance sighting (btw, he didn't see me) of someone i still (apparently) care for.  Maybe I am not ready for this whole dating thing.

But at the end of the day... i am just.

Sad.