Whenever you're romantically involved with someone, there are times when it's clearly appropriate to speak in a whisper -- those tender, vulnerable moments when cooing to your partner in hushed tones lends itself to intimacy of the environment. However, as I continue to learn, if you whisper the wrong thing in these moments, it's double fucking creepy -- even if it what you said sounds completely innocent at regular volume.

Here's an example:
I was on a date with a very lovely girl awhile back. We were hitting it off splendidly; joking, laughing and cementing what would surely be lasting emotional and spiritual bonds over dinner and drinks. As we were walking to her apartment towards the end of the evening, it began to rain. It also happened to be chilly out and my date had bundled up in a velour jacket that had once belonged to her mother. (If you don't know what velour is, it's an incredibly soft, pelt-like fabric, that feels like a mix between suede and a puppy's belly. It's impossible not touch.)

By the time we got to her door, the rain was coming down in sheets. Since we had only gone out a few times, it was premature to invite me in; though we had had such a good time, it seemed like a shame to part ways. So, I kissed her good night and gave her a big hug. As we embraced, we shared a really special, almost cinematic moment. Despite gail force winds and barbed droplets blasting our cheeks, we continued to hold each other on her doorstep for a sweet eternity. Enamored with each other and the beauty of our tender embrace, we hardly noticed the miserable weather or the fact that it was 2am and we both had to be at work the next morning. We could've stood out there all night.

So, while holding her delicate frame and reflecting on such a sweet juncture, it felt only natural to lean in closer, nuzzle her cheek and quietly confess,

"Your velour is so wet."