136. A lot of people say that they're the (insert noun here) of comedy. I've been thinking of what I am and decided that I'm the Kim Kardashian of comedy. I don't really do anything, but a bunch of people still watch me for some reason.

137. I don't wear socks anymore. I would, but half of them got lost in the dryer and the other half are stuffed under my bed.

138. I decided that I need a nerdy girlfriend, somebody who I can take to a comic book store or record store or book store and will know what I'm talking about half the time. Basically, I need me with a vagina. I mean, it's only three inches of a difference.

139. I went to a bookstore and saw a book called Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes, and it put me in a dilemma... Because my mother always taught me not to waste food.

140. Do narcissists ever play strip solitaire?

141. They say behind every great man is a greater woman... Unless you're in prison.