For all of you who did not know- my Mother, who was and still is the love of my life, passed away over a year ago in a horrible car accident and left me here in this world devastated and shell shocked for over a year.

I never thought it would go away- the excruciating feelings of loneliness and the ultimate and pure feeling of heartbreak that one can only know through the loss of someone they truly love.  Since my Father, or Pop, passed when I was fourteen- I needed my Mom more than any other twenty something year old girl trying to find herself in this world.  So all of a sudden she was gone.  I spoke to her on the phone the night before and then like horrible magic-poof- she was just gone from my world on earth.  So I felt like my strings were cut.  No parents. No one to look up to.  No one to answer to.  I was floating in the wind, lonely as hell and ridiculously sad sad sad.  What made it worse and made me madder was being the oldest and watching my three younger brothers and my elderly Aunt Jeanne go though what I was going through, knowing how much it hurt.  The guilt I felt. Seeing them now have to fend for themselves without a MOM.  One of my brothers was just going off to college for the first time when it happened and he got an acceptance letter in the mail to a good school- one my Mom would have loved to drive him to in her van with all his college stuff.  So now it is me sometimes driving him up there and feeling like "wow" on the parkway as we drive, "she really is not here."  It is me and my younger brothers orgazining family holidays, paying insane bills, taking care the family business and stuff- and all the time I am thinking to myself in awe- "Mom, how did you do all this by yourself?"

So you can say it has been the hardest year of my life, 2007.  But I am SO PROUD, beyond words, to say, that I am feeling better.

It was hard and unforseen, but gradually I said to myself- I want to feel better, I want to live, I want to have happy moments, I want to be nicer to my family and friends, a lot of people need me to be strong (and not fake being strong, like I was for a year,  but to really BE IT).  So I started to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, which I encourage anyone to do.  I started eating healthy and all natural (no additives, caffeine, fake junk), started praying more, went for long leisurely runs and thinking and praying throughout the run.  I got more involved again at the boxing gym, I signed up for a fight to motivate me,  I stopped thinking so negatively and started giving myself a break.  I spent quality time alone and actually liked it, rather than resenting it.  I went on a shopping spree and got all this makeup and shoes and other fun stuff- FOR ME.  I ate out-alone!  I cook for myself, exactly what I want.  I shop at Trader Joes and spend all my money:) I got acupuncture, raiki healing, and a juicer.  I made it a point to spend quality time with loved ones, family, and friends- and to make new friends. I started writing a children's novel, which I am sure will be a masterpiece. I put myself out there again as an actress, model, and host- the whole time with an open mind and heart. Most importantly I was WILLING to get better, at any cost.  That became my top priority.

And guess what? Positivity has come back my way!  

Not to say I do not have my bad days, or moments, where I want to cry.  Where my heart drops to my stomach when I worry or remember.  But I tell myself that "This too shall pass" and it always does.  Or "I am bigger than this pain, this fear, this worry."  And I am, we all are.  

So back to all the positive things that all of a sudden came my way out of the blue. Number one I found the strength to write this letter, speak about my Mom, when I have been mute about it for so long- on here and everywhere. Also I have been booking acting jobs, hosting jobs, modeling jobs!  ME? Yes:)  I went from laying in my bed all day, depressed, thinking about my Mom and trying to figure out obsessively how I can turn back the hands of time to the day she got in the accident and of saving her, not showering or eating much, lashing out on people.....to gradually and slowly getting better.   If I can do this I can DO ANYTHING. 

So a bunch of cool stuff started rolling in when I decided I would work for it.  An upcoming boxing match.  Rewarding nights at the gym.  For every bad night, there is a GOOD night.  A lead in an indie film.  A magazine shoot.  A hosting gig.  A funny music video cameo.  A possible new job doing stage make-up on the side. My future New York Times bestselling novel has finally been conceived and started:)   I also have a pretty definite audition to be a DEAL OR NO DEAL Suitcase girl:) And a reality show pilot based on me and my boxing team is following us around and being pitched.  I am a future contestant in another reality show similar to THE CONTENDER but for females.  Hopefully that comes thought, keep your fingers crossed.  The History Channel found me on MYSPACE, and they flew out to NYC just yesterday to document me and the other fabulous female friends I am blessed to have on my boxing team.  They are doing a documentary on FEMALE WARRIORS, starting with the Amazon Women, and trancending through time to the modern day- us!!!! Us in our smelly gym under the Brooklyn Bridge boxing our hearts out- a collective female sorority of passionate fighters.  Pretty cool honor, huh?

Other cool things that are happening for me:

My niece asked me to come read to her class at school, first grade.  So she thinks I'm cool and not an embarrassment :) 

My brother in college seems happier and busy- when I dropped him off at his dorm his roommate and suitmates were so happy to see him! That made my whole eight hour drive worth it. 

My puppy Micky is growing into a dog! This precious spirit has done nothing but help me heal this past year when I got him after my Mom died and he fit in the palm of my hand.  He gave me something to truly nurture and watch grow (13 pound plus!) plus he is insanely FUNNY.  He makes me laugh, especially when he is huffy and grumpy with his hair a mess and I am chasing him around the house to give him a bath and the look of utter desperation in his eyes when I catch him:) He was born to be my dog- sporadic, erratic, eccentric, loving, sensitive, intelligent, grumpy, kind, and free.  I love to watch him run at the park and chase after his ball in hopeless abandon, free in his movement and in his element.  He loves running balls more than food and water and air. Then he just SMILES and pants and SMILES and pants some more, all the way home till he snuggles by my side in bed at night, pees on the floor and eats my lipstick, and then licks my face in the morning.

We had a great Chinese New Year banuqet with my entire Chinese tribe of a family along with some interesting relatives visiting from China and bestowing us with cool Beijing Olympic keychains and snapping pictures like the papparazzi :)

There has been a distinct and genuine glow on the face of my significant other because I am happier.  Isn't that beautiful?

And lastly my immediate family and significant other surprised me on my birthday last week with a a small party, just us nine.  I walked into a dark room and surprise! My niece and nephew dancing around to Happy Birthday like loons, making faces, making me laugh.  And my brother in college called on the phone, even though we were in a stupid fight,  he remembered! This meant more to me than you can imagine, this particular birthday.  Aunt Jeanne that lives with us put pink color coordinated decorations on the wall and they all got me my favorite ice cream cake and orange soda and we had yummy duck sandwiches and sauteed watercress from my favorite Chinese restaurant around here.  I broke my healthy diet that night, it was worth it:)

So all these things are awesome but they too shall pass, which makes them all the more meaningful and beautiful.  So I live life day by day, as it should be.  Knowing that no matter what, everything will be okay, through the ups and downs.  We all have fighters spirits that will take us there, will us to survive, and eventually not only to survive but to survive in peaceful awareness and being, which I strive for.

Oh, one last thing I forgot to mention: all the fun, honest, cool people I have been attracting as friends and acquantances lately that brightan and color my life.  It all adds up.  The small moments, the big moments, the in-between.  The moments when I kid around and LAUGH and I feel my former marble face crack into this huge, REAL smile.  I still take a step out of my body and look at myself when this happens- pleasantly surprised- which makes me laugh all the more loonily to myself, delighted and giddy, and people nearby may think I am weird.  I am looking at myself and saying "Cara, it that really you?  Laughing?  Can it be?  Are you......happy?"

Thanks Mom, for giving me this chance to feel all this in the first place.