I bought a condo in the wonderful city of St. Louis about a year and a half ago.  I am a fan of the Cardinals, Toasted Ravioli and The Arch so it was a natural choice.  It was a huge deal for me to buy my first home. I got a loan that was called a “stated income loan” or as it’s referred to now “the economy ruiner.” The stated income loan is exactly what it sounds like, they said you have to make X amount of dollars to buy this house and all I had to do was “state” that I could do that no proof necessary. Looking back on how easy it was I think they would have given me the loan if I stated that I would try really hard to make that amount of money, or stated that I like to make money or probably if I could have just named a state.

Just so you know it’s a fixed rate loan and I am not being foreclosed on, so don’t hate me. I really like being a homeowner; it makes me feel like a grown man, that and passing gas while I’m asleep on a bench at the mall. Unfortunately in the past month I have let my place get too dirty. Somewhere between “getting ready for a yard sale” dirty and “is this a crime scene?” dirty. I usually have a cleaning lady come in once every couple weeks. That is good for two reasons: one, she cleans my house and two, I do a nice pre-clean before she comes that way she doesn’t tell all of her cleaning lady friends that I keep my dirty underwear on my kitchen floor. That is where my laundry closet is and sometimes it’s very hot in the kitchen. On a side note I was anxious to see if she was going to be hot. But I think that’s true in any situation that involves someone coming to my house, pizza delivery, ups, escort service you name it I want them to be a hot chick.

The cleaning lady situation isn’t perfect because I don’t trust a lot of people in my life. I think it comes from my family not trusting people. When I was a kid my dad would always follow the words “your uncle is coming over” with “lock your bedroom door.” Not lying. So naturally when a stranger comes over I think she is stealing from me. The first time I decided I would stay at home just to keep an eye on her. But then it just seemed awkward.  She’s cleaning and I’m sitting there not only as an able bodied person who owns all of the cleaning supplies needed to do the job but an able bodied person with the time to use them. Not to mention when she bent over to pick something up I used her for a footstool for half and hour.
 The second time I left and sat at a coffee shop while thinking of how I’m going to go home to the cleanest empty apartment ever. After a few more times I got wise and took pictures of all of my stuff including my DVD’s, CD’s and my television. I’m not quite sure why I took the picture of the TV. Like I would come home stare at a vacant 52 inches in front of my couch then look at the camera and look at the wall then back to the camera, back to the wall before I realize something’s not right. Everything came back normal according to the photos but I’m positive at some point one of the lady took some DVD’s. I am definitely missing a good amount enough that is should be on the bill, $34 and hour plus miscellaneous DVD’s. When I get home I am going to do the nice pre-clean and get ole’ sticky fingers back over to clean the place up.

This wasn’t even supposed mention how I bought my condo I just wanted to get that off my chest. Every time the news is talking about the mortgage crisis and how it’s the irresponsible people and lenders who caused this I feel like they are talking to me. It seems like that is the goal of the news. They want you to feel sad, scared or guilty, never happy. When I watch I feel guilty for causing the recession and getting that poor woman pregnant with my eight babies.

AMENDMENT: I should trust people more. I think that would make it easier to catch them stealing. You’re all thieves.

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