You know, people are always being saying to the Jan, "Oh god!  Oh God, NO!  Please!  Please God, have mercy!  I don't even know you!  Why would you do that?  Someone HELP....  aargggchhhhh...."

Also, one time, a guy was being saying to the Jan, "Hey, the Jan."

And the Jan was like, "Yes, mortal."

And the guy was like, "Hey, you should totally be doing a mailbag sometime."

And the Jan was like, "You bore me.  The Jan will see your kidneys now."

But later, when the Jan had washed off, I thought, "This is maybe being a good idea.  Yes, the Jan shall do a mailbag." 

So the Jan had the sweet sex with a bag of mail.  This was not, in fact, a good idea.  What can the Jan say, things got weird.

But the Jan is here to answer your questions.  Go ahead, the Jan is always listening.  And watching.

Q:  Dear the Jan, you are being so great and totally awesome.  I am a worm beneath the unholy heel of your clipless pedal shoes.  Should I be taking the drugs to match one tenth of your awesome, earth shattering power?  - Steve from Vancouver

A:  Yes.

Q:  Oh great and mighty Jan, who doth fill this vale of tears with fire and death with every stroke of your massive thighs, why do you ride such big gears. - Eli from Valencia

A.  Because the cycling is pain.  The cycling is soul crushing pain.  The cycling is meant to make mothers weep, to make children scream, to crush the souls of the weak.  The cycling is not spin class.  Sure the Jan could ride a gear that is being the size of a tea cup, like Marinara Boy Basso, but the Jan is not here to dance.  The Jan is here to reap. 

Q.  Oh my cruel dark lord, the Jan, master of all that dies and is never reborn.  What is with Dave Zabriskie? - Sara from, um, the Antartica.

A.  The Jan is having no idea.  Dave Zabriskie is being the only mortal on this earth that is giving the Jan the willies.  The Jan sees him in the interviews and it is like, dude, that guy is totally being a psycho robot.  He is being having less personality than a roll of carpet.  Personally, the Jan thinks he is being invented by Bjarne Riis and the CSC as an android who feels no pain, which is being the only way he is coming close to challenging the Jan in the time trials.

Q.  Oh the Jan, you are dark and evil and blah, blah, etc., etc.  So.  What was with "The Look" everyone talks about that the Lance was being giving you in the 2001 Tour?  Shoe - from, oh, let's say, Closet

A.  Yes, well, it may be being hard for to you to be believing, but even with one ball, that guy is still a massive dick.