You may remember my blog from shortly after the New Year in which I resolved to change my hermetic ways and do what I bloody wanted... This is a continuance:

My recent move to the posh quiet of the Vegas hills has been most refreshing for me... Simply . . . not having noise at all to deal with is so wonderful, and has let me take control of my own space... But has also revealed a side of me I wasn’t expecting: my nice side...

I’m very tough... I know this... I survived 11 years in my father’s house under his drunken, second-hand scientific intelligentsia and post-war (by 25+ years) guilt fueled rants... I then proceeded to move to San Francisco and nearly starved to death from working too hard and not eating enough... My instinct to live is strong, and so is my fire to fight... But deep down under my hard Germanic exterior is a hiding soft, sweet, warm side... I’m beginning to realize how much I need to exercise this part of myself...

I need to love, I can’t help it... I make food with mine own hand and no one can deny the love in such works upon tasting... I sew lingerie of soft and silky materials, then wear them and revel in the pleasure of the touch against my skin... I secretly culture my sexual desires in my mind, cataloguing my favourite kinds of sensations... I dance, pulling my body as I want it, channeling the music in my body, the swells of sound rolling under my flesh... And I can’t help my urge to give this love to my friends, bearing my talent and enjoyment for them to try, if only for a moment... (Diva-like? I certainly think so...)

Yes, part of this new epiphany is because of my new Russian roommate, who has been my partner in crime for all things food (save for all Lent-related food, which she cannot have until the end of April)... And no, we have not frolicked through the house hitting each other with half filled feather pillows, although it’s not like I would mind... (She has bought me ice cream, though, so she surely knows the way to MY heart!) But honestly, I would not have moved in here if she weren’t totally my "bag" people-wise...


And so it goes... I can’t bear so much pain and anger anymore...