Hi Leyla,

I really enjoy your articles as you are so realistic and on track with the struggle in dealing with an addict. Our 16-year-old son is a binge drinker and dabbles with other drugs too but alcohol is the big enemy in our house. It's hard to get him to see what a problem it is as he drinks so much he has blackouts then thinks he acted fine. He has been to outpatient rehab programs and AA but really doesn't like the AA philosophy as he doesn't like to think he has to submit to a higher power. It's put a strain on our 25-year marriage and has caused us to totally doubt our parenting skills. I feel like the worst mother in the world right now. At one time I would have told you that if the child is doing well otherwise, don't hassle them too much about occasional experimenting however now as a parent of an addict I have changed my mind.

How do you know (until it's too late) if your child has the "gene" that will and can result in a true addict? You don't. So that's why I think ANY drinking/pot use should be discouraged. On the other hand though, I would rather my child smoke pot than drink. The ramifications with him are far more acceptable with pot than drinking.

You may have addressed this in a prior article, but at one point did you decide to send your youngest to a wilderness treatment program? I am ready to do this if any further problems come up but my husband is very reluctant we will anger our son so much by doing so that we'll lose him forever. We are very ambivalent about the cost, of course, and if it would work or just make things worse. You always hope your child will just eventually mature out of their addiction but in the meantime, your household is under enormous stress. Life should not be this hard!!

Keep up the good work.

– Stressed-out mom

Dear Stressed-out mom,

I must commend you on sharing part of your story. Living with someone suffering from alcoholism and addiction is enough to put anyone over the edge. The lines of reality become blurred and so many parents are where you and your husband are right now. This does not come in our parenting handbook, nor are we defined by the behavior of our sick children. We must not only discourage drugs and alcohol to our children, we must send them a clear message it is not tolerated! It is not acceptable for a child to take mind altering and chemically toxic substances. They are not adults, yet we make excuses allowing and minimizing this behavior because it requires more energy to stand in defiance than to simply look the other way. It is a fight worth engaging in because their bodies can't handle it.

We are not bad parents. I am an excellent mother who just so happens to have to sons that suffer from a cruel and twisted disease. People don't mature out of addiction and alcoholism; it's a progressive disease with no rewind button. And waiting for an adolescent to hit bottom is old school…they die. This being a family disease I cannot emphasize enough that you and your husband get to an Al-Anon meeting, preferably a parent focus meeting for your own sanity. Have you asked yourselves why you are you trying to reason and rationalize with an alcoholic? Let alone a minor, you are the parents and legal issues aside; you MUST do for him what he is not able to do for himself. He is sick and needs treatment. Binge drinking and blacking out at any age is serious, at 16 his body and brain chemistry is different than an adult. Both of my sons hated AA and NA when they were using, why would an addict or alcoholic want to sit in a room full of people talking about being sober when they themselves are drunk or high? I did an intervention on my 16-year-old son because I knew I was losing him. It costs as much to bury my son as it does to get him the help he needs. This should have you both scared about more than angering him and wondering if treatment will work. It is obvious the system in place now is not working. You husband is right, you just may lose your son forever.